Buttercup Festival is one of my favorite comics. It captures moments hilarious, absurd, sad, and sometimes just plain beautiful. Wikipedia may just describe it best: "The comic's humor is marked by whimsy, puns, parody, and a gentle, eccentric madness."
I've often found myself trying in vain to search for a specific comic by a small phrase I thought I remembered from the strip. My frustration at finding no results in these situations led me to take on the task of transcribing the comic in its entirety. That is where this page comes in. Due to the scope of the work, this won't be a pretty page, but it should get the job done.
I used the transcription conventions that the XKCD transcript engine uses. Therefore, labels or text outside of a dialogue have no syntax, (( parentheses )) contain layout meta information, [[ brackets ]] are scene descriptions, character dialogue is given by Character name: dialogue text, and << angle brackets >> are sound effects.
Finally, if you see any transcription errors, of which I'm sure there are many, or would like to send kind words, don't hesitate to email me.
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((This comic seems to be drawn over some other publication. The publication's words are obscured by the drawings, but I can make a few out. Here they are: soccer recently home from Uxbridge home game The open held by high Discount advance are Springfield, Agawam, tickets in advance. also home to the.)) Main Character: I'm goth Main Character: The moon is my melon-cholly mistress. [[Main character seems to be jumping around with musical notes about him.]] DANCE!
((This comic also seems to be drawn over some other publication. Here are the words I can make out: into the soil. In thi[s] potentially wate[r] cycle, because it reaches sea without made to reduce population of)) Main Character: I'M GOTH. Off-panel: That's great, but where did all the North American monkeys go? [[An apparently screaming monkey head floats in mid-air.]] <<Main character: sniff>> Main Character: God, I'd love to see Annette Funicello naked, just once. That's all I want.
[[Main character stands beside a tree in a patch of grass.]] Main Character: I dreamt last night that I was laughing and splashing in a waterfall of movie theatre butter. Unknown floating head: hey now, that's not funny. Main Character: Damn you, Lyle, and damn your style.
Main Character: Hey Moby, how's it going? Moby: I live entirely on pine needles that fall naturally from undisturbed pine trees. Moby: And bacon. Plates and plates of fatty, greasy bacon. [[Picture of a sausage.]] meat! because there are too many cows!
Main Character: According to W.B. Yeats, "A mermaid found a swimming lad, picked him for her own, pressed her body to his body, laughed; and plunging down forgot in cruel happiness that even lovers drown." Main Character: According to a can of Beefaroni. "Because Chef Boyardee is made with premium beef and enriched pasta, it has the protein needed to keep your family growing strong. And Chef Boyardee has no preservatives. Serve Chef Boyardee."
Main Character: Oh man, here comes Rodney, the Second-Grade T-Ball Jockey. [[Rodney flexes, bat in hand.]] Rodney: I'm here for some t-ball! [[Rodney strikes a different pose.]] Rodney: Yeah, your mom's my #1 fan. [[Rodney strikes yet another pose, pointing off-panel.]] Rodney: Don't even think about catching this, lunch tray-face! dear diary, I caught my spaghetti reading Marxist literature last night. I worry about things to come.
[[Main Character is playing with a yo-yo.]] Main Character: Check out my yo-yo. Yo-yo: I love Dave Matthews! [[Main Character is flipping an egg in a pan.]] Main Character: Check out my fried egg. Egg: I disguise pornography as art! [[Main Character stands opposite a giant, floating green olive.]] Main Character: Massive floating green olive. Massive Floating Green Olive: Where? Main Character: No, that's what you are. Massive Floating Green Olive: Am not.
Main Character: I keep dreaming that my cat looks like Kirsten Dunst. And I feel bad for having to feed her cat food, but she's a cat, after all. [[Main Character rests both hands on scythe blade.]] Main Character: She only looks like Kirsten Dunst. Which makes the rest of the dream that much more bizarre. Main Character: My house is made out of organically-grown free-range cement.
Main Character: My parents mistakenly bought me the following gifts for my 7th birthday: a male prostitute, a replacement canister of propane, and a box of invisible barbed fishing hooks. [[Main Character stands opposite an unappealing severed head.]] Main Character: Unappealing severed head. Unappealing Severed Head: yes. Main Character: I fear androgynous utopias. Unappealing Severed Head: i smell like a warm greek salad.
Main Character: I can't believe the lunatic hypocrisy of the police officer who busts someone for possessing marijuana, and then enjoys a cold beer at the end of the day. I'd rather see society criminalize alcohol than legalize pot, but as long as people want to take the chemical route to unwinding, let's not get-- [[A hot air, possibly tiny, floats near a cloud.]] Main Character: --Hey, a balloon. Character in the hot-air balloon: God resonates all around me. Oh heinous euphoria!
Main Character: I make pancakes with a waffles iron. Off-panel: That's lightweight. I make salad with a waffle iron. Main Character: I make my bed with a waffle iron. Off-panel: I heard your mom makes your bed with some guy who's not your dad. Or I should say, makes it in your bed. Main Character: Shut up, Mom. Off-panel: Don't act surprised.
Main Character: I think the government's on to me. They've had my drinking water tapped for years. Off-panel: That was my joke. I wrote it. [[Main Character stands opposite a small bowl of potato salad.]] Potato salad: Can I rub your back? Main Character: Leave me alone, Potato Salad. Potato Salad: Hey, everybody loves potato salad.
[[Main Character stands behind a counter with a small jar on it.]] Main Character: Wow, twenty flavors of jellybeans! Jar of jellybeans: We are of one mind. Prepare yourself for the full realization of our horrific vision. [[Black stars fill the panel and the counter becomes a turgid grid of black and white squares. woah Jar of jellybeans: Ten dollars please.
[[Main Character stands behind a counter that has a pot with steam coming out of it.]] Main Character: My tomato sauce starts with the finest vine-ripened tomatoes. Main Character: And ends in divorce. [[Main Character stands opposite a cat tied to a floating balloon.]] Main Character: Give my regrets to God. Cat: meow
Main Character: I bought a motorcycle today, but I couldn't fit it down my pants. Off-panel: Did you try deflating the tires? Main Character: Yeah, no dice. Main Character: I'm driven by white-hot anger. And my mom, sometimes, when I miss the bus.
[[Main Character stands opposite Rodney the Second-Grade T-Ball Jockey.]] Main Character: Hey Rodney the Second-Grade T-Ball Jockey, what's new? Rodney: Today's top t-ball story? "T-ball removed from man's ass. Experts baffled." [[Main Character plays paddle ball.]] <<pow pow pow pow pow>> [[Main Character continues to play paddle ball.]] <<pow pow pow pow pow>> Main Character: Kill me.
Main Character: Hey Moby, check out my new song. Moby: I already sampled it and made it into a techno hit. [[A girl in a skirt and black blouse stands beside Main Character while an apparently dancing girl with star-rimmed glasses stands beside Moby.]] Main Character: Oh here, meet my girlfriend. Moby: I already sampled her and made her into my own fly girlfriend. [[Main Character and Moby dance amid a riot of stars and musical notes. A disco ball hangs from the ceiling.]] 8th grade fever!
[[Main Character stands opposite Future Boy, who has a helmet and a jetpack.]] Main Character: Hey Future Boy, where to? Future Boy: I'm off to the future. [[An explosion obscures Future Boy.]] <<BAM!>> [[Future Boy floats in mid-air via his jetpack with his arms outstretched.]] Future Boy: oooh... future...
[[Main Character lifts a barbell.]] Off-panel: What are you doing? Main Character: I'm getting pumped up. Off-panel: For what? Main Character: Cold death. [[A stream of marshmallows is blown off-panel from a bag held by Main Character.]] Marshmallows on a windy day!
[[Main Character stoops to pick up a book.]] Main Character: Hey-- a secret power ring. [[Several wedges of checked black and white squares emanate from the power ring held aloft on Main Character's finger.]] Power Ring: Take me to the mall.
[[Main Character stands opposite a shelf.]] Main Character: Check it out-- I alphabetized my spice rack. [[Main Character seems to fiddle with his scythe.]] Main Character: Why won't God ever answer me?
Main Character: I think I hear dogs barking... I kind of wish I hadn't slathered myself in mayonnaise. Off-panel: Dogs like mayonnaise? Main Character: No, I'm just saying. [[Main Character stands opposite a floating spherical with dangling tentacles.]] Main Character: Cosmic protean intelligence? [[Cosmic protean intelligence emits a bunch of symbols.]] Main Character: No way-- "Porky's" is way better.
Main Character: Am I the only one sick of eating? Shoving dead processed organisms through my mouth three or four times a day? No thanks. Main Character: So now I just smoke Slim-Jims. [[Main Character has a giant sock or cloth back over his head with his arms outstretched.]] I'm Mr. Sock-Head!
Main Character: Hey Dad, can-- Off-panel: Cut your hair, you damn dirty hippie! Off-panel: Cut your hair, you damn dirty hippie! [[Main Character stands there, no dialogue coming from off-panel.]] Off-panel: Cut your hair, you damn dirty hippie!
[[Main Character stares upward.]] Main Character: Look at all the little birds! Off-panel: We're inside a windowless room. [[Main Character stares upward.]] Main Character: Look at all the little birds!
Off-panel: You look terrible. Main Character: I slept really badly last night-- I can't stand my bed. Off-panel: Does the mattress sag? Main Character: No. Mostly it's all of the feta cheese I've got rolling around in there. Off-panel: Maybe you should wash your sheets. Main Character: Naw-- I'm thinking of just working in some olive oil and lettuce.
[[Main Character stands next to a paint can, brush in hand dripping liquid.]] Main Character: I'm painting my room. Off-panel: That looks like water. Main Character: Yeah, it is. Actually, I'm just really bored. [[Main Character stands next to a paint can, brush in hand dripping liquid.]] Main Character: I'm painting my room. Off-panel: That looks like water. Main Character: It's gasoline.
Off-panel: So this is your church? Main Character: Yeah. It's not much to look at, not even a real church, but it's an important spiritual center for our community. Main Character: Our priest isn't even a real priest, I think, and I can't recall us ever having an actual Eucharistic ceremony. Main Character: I think maybe we just smoke a lot of pot.
[[Main Character holds a piece of paper.]] Main Character: Check it out-- I'm writing a guidebook. Off-panel: To what? Main Character: The rugged topography of my soul. Off-panel: It looks like a strawberry shortcake paint-by-numbers kit. [[Main Character operates a Shop-Vac.]] Main Character: This vacuum sucks.
Main Character: The sky sure is blue. Main Character: Relentlessly, stupefyingly blue. [[Main Character stretches his arms out and throws his head back.]] Main Character: Pink!
[[Main Character holds a bag.]] Main Character: I'm going hiking-- want some trail mix? Off-panel: It's nothing but mushrooms. Main Character: Are you sure? I thought I put some baby aspirin in there. Off-panel: Just where are you hiking to? Main Character: The sun's core. [[Main Character stands behind a counter with a toaster oven on it.]] Main Character: Check it out-- I built a birdhouse. Off-panel: That's a toaster oven. Main Character: Sssh... you'll spoil it.
[[Main Character stands behind a counter with a bowl on it.]] Main Character: A hearty breakfast helps me face the day's trials. Off-panel: Is that gravy? Main Character: It's chewing tobacco. Main Character: I could never fall for a shot-putter.
Main Character: Have you seen my ruler. Off-panel: What do you need to measure? Main Character: The sunless depths of my ennui. Off-panel: I've got this tailor's tape measure. Main Character: Okay, then. Maybe we can just measure my waist. Main Character: If lobsters looked like babies-- even ugly babies-- you can be sure people would think twice before choosing one from the tank to boil alive.
[[Main Character stands behind a counter with unknown objects on it.]] Main Character: Welcome to my laboratory. Off-panel: What are you inventing? Main Character: A world free from hatred and material preoccupation. [[Possible steam escapes a beaker.]] Main Character: I think I'm going to need more couscous. Off-panel: I've got some veggie lasagna.
Main Character: Check it out--I've got a lightbulb. Off-panel: So? [[Main Character shakes light bulb.]] Main Character: Damn.
Main Character: I have fond childhood memories of curling up on long drives with my blue blanket. Main Character: Turns out my parents were strapping me to the roof rolled up in the lawnmower tarp. Main Character: ...my mom used to call our dryer "The Carnival." "Carnival Time" she'd say whenever I'd act up. It would have been an okay time if she'd put a few towels in with me
[[Main Character holds a ball.]] Main Character: I can't tell how to read this globe. Off-panel: That's a volleyball. Main Character: I think maybe it's just winter. Main Character: Wait-- I think I see myself.
[[Main Character holds a piece of paper.]] Main Character: My social calendar's like a Christmas fruit-cake-- no more room for dates. Off-panel: Let me see that. Main Character: I'm like a mechanic's breakfast-- a stud muffin. Off-panel: Every square says "choke on the rancid broth of self-pity." Main Character: Cosmic protean intelligence? [[Cosmic protean intelligence emits symbols.]] Main Character: No way, dude, it's about heroin... "angels" is only a metaphor.
Main Character: I think more people should support local farmers' markets. Off-panel: There's one this afternoon. Want to go? Main Character: No thanks-- I only eat tinned sardines. Off-panel: What about to drink? Main Character: Well they come in brine, you know. the lesson. Off-panel: Okay, here-- try to seduce me. Main Character: How do you like these baby-back ribs?
Main Character: For the first 8 years of my life Santa Claus only brought me post-date dairy products. Main Character: Then he started bringing me epoxy kits with only brief German instructions. Main Character: I fell in love this morning. Off-panel: Will it wash out?
Main Character: A flower growing in the crack of a sidewalk! The poetry! Flower: Can I bum a smoke? <<eeeep.>> Flower: That's the stuff;
Off-panel: Mmm... that stew smells wonderful. Main Character: Huh? I'm running a bath. Main Character: My kid sister's stuck up in the chimney. Off-panel: How're you going to get her out? Main Character: I think you're missing the point.
Main Character: I love bubblewrap. Off-panel: For popping? Main Character: No, unconditionally-- love asks for nothing. I simply love bubblewrap. [[Main Character rubs bubblewrap.]] <<rub rub>> Main Character: And waffles irons.
Main Character: I've got handers with swivel heads. [[Main Character stands there.]] Main Character: Maybe you didn't hear me.
Main Character: People will appreciate my ironic tartan socks. Off-panel: <<sniff>> What the-- did you not shower today again?! Seriously, man, you stink like I don't know what... last month's cabbage omelet or something. Main Character: No one appreciates my socks.
Off-panel: What's with the guitar? Main Character: I started a band-- check out these t-shirts I silk-screened for us to sell. Off-panel: "We're so indie even we think we suck." Off-panel: What's your band called? Main Character: Puppystew
Main Character: It's fascinating how when you stare at wallpaper it starts to drift and swirl. Off-panel: Huh? This is my backyard. What do you think of my lilacs? [[Main Character waves his hand a bit.]] Main Character: It's almost like wallpaper. Alternate punchline Main Character: Lilac 'em.
<<honk honk>> Main Character: Hey listen-- geese heading south. Main Character: Hey listen-- a lobster struggling with genuine philosophical self-understanding. <<bloo bloo bloo>> Main Character: Shall I put on a pot of coffee? Off-panel: No, but you can put on this floral dress and help me tear down some drywall. Main Character: I don't-- Off-panel: Yes or no, pal. Drywall, she's a slippery bitch.
Main Character: I've named all my army men. Off-panel: They all look the same-- how do you tell them apart? Main Character: How is any one of us distinguished from our neighbors? How do we step from the miasma of humanity, the sacred fraternity of same-faced infants, and lay claim to the sinuous melody which is our own mind and soul, our song among songs, our-- Off-panel: No, seriously, how do you tell them apart? [[Main Character holds scissors up.]] Main Character: I cut their arms to different lengths.
Main Character: I'm making a health shake. Off-panel: It looks kind of strange. What's in it? Main Character: Some grape popsicles this guy down the street had thrown out. Off-panel: You left the sticks in? Main Character: Yeah. Blender had a hell of a time with them. I'm having second thoughts about the aquarium gravel. [[Main Character sprints forward on rollerblades.]] Main Character: Roller man? 'Cause he roller can!
Main Character: God's sacred message is meant only for me. Main Character: No, seriously, look-- it even has my name and address on it. Off-panel: That's a J. Crew catalogue. Main Character: Man, your apartment's a real mess. Off-panel: This is Wal-Mart.
[[Main Character stands opposite caped figured standing next to a basket.]] Main Character: Hey Epic Boy, how's it going? Epic Boy: I'm about to do laundry. [[Epic Boy jumps into the air.]] Epic Boy: so much laundry!
Main Character: My bran flakes are about to stage a pre-emptive strike on your danish. Off-panel: What the hell are you talking about? Main Character: Just trying to liven up breakfast is all. [[Main Character flicks flakes into the air.]] Main Character: pi-kow Bran Flake: Terrifying new horizons! Convey me to thy arms, Bran-God!
[[Main Character stands behind a counter that has two eggs on it.]] Main Character: This recipe calls for two egg whites. How do I get just the whites? Off-panel: You have to separate them. Main Character: How do I do that? Maybe if I make them believe different things. You! You're not an egg! Hear me? Not an egg! [[Egg grows butterfly wings and flutters away.]] Main Character: I don't know about these muffins, man.
((This is the first water color strip. The panels are scattered rather than serial.)) Main Character: Someone's gone and painted my garden brown! Main Character: Oh wait... it's October. Main Character: Someone's gone and painted my living room brown! [[Main Character sits in a hole.]] Main Character: Oh wait... I live in a hole.
((In all these panels, Main Character is drawn fuzzily with splotches of him not filled in with black ink.)) Off-panel: What did you think of the laser show? Main Character: The what? Off-panel: The laser show we just saw... it was like an hour long. Main Character: I thought we were at a clam bake. Off-panel: What? How could you possibly think that? Main Character: I thought it was just a really cool clam bake. [[Main Character stares off into the sky.]] Main Character: So what's the hold-up with the clams?
((In all these panels, Main Character is drawn fuzzily with splotches of him not filled in with black ink.)) Main Character: Check it out-- I re-gravelled my driveway. Off-panel: Those look like cocktail weiners. Main Character: Yeah, it doesn't have the best traction. Main Character: On the other hand, I've blown my dog's mind. Main Character: Man, I love listening to Steppenwolf... "Born in the wiiiiild." Yeah! Off-panel: It's "Born to be Wild." Main Character: Oh... so it's not about me?
((In all these panels, Main Character is drawn fuzzily with splotches of him not filled in with black ink.)) [[Main Character is wearing glasses.]] Main Character: Check it out-- I got non-prescription glasses for style. Off-panel: They sure are thick. [[Main Character holds up cast-covered left leg.]] Main Character: Yeah, I got them at the same place I got this non-prescription leg cast. Trouble brewing... Main Character: I feel like running a marshmallow fluff bath... for two.
((This is another water color strip.)) [[Main Character stares up at a tree.]] Main Character: Someone hung all my apples up in that tree.
[[Main Character stands opposite a bucket.]] Main Character: How's it going, bucket of industrial sludge? Bucket of Industrial Sludge: Pretty good-- I got a job doing quality assurance for a big corporation. Main Character: Oh yeah? What do you make of this run-over, sun-baked frog I've got here? Bucket of Industrial Sludge: Nary have I seen a better frog. Main Character: I'm keeping a journal. Off-panel: Hey, that's mine! Main Character: Well I'm keeping it.
[[Main Character is at the end of a dock fishing. He seems to have caught something.]] Off-panel: What're you doing? Main Character: I'm fishing for eels-- woah, here we go. [[Main Character yanks up on the rod and there's an eel on the end of the line.]] [[The eel wriggles for a bit on the end of the line.]] Eel: I'm a goopy mess.
Main Character: My parents didn't want me drawing depressing pictures as a child, so they only gave me yellow crayons. Main Character: Mostly I drew our canary getting struck by lightning. Main Character: Pass me that ash tray, will you? Off-panel: You smoke? Main Character: No, I just feel the urge to vomit a very little.
((In each panel Main Character is a different color.)) Main Character: I collect rubber bands. Main Character: And by "collect" I mean "steal". Main Character: And by "steal" I mean "eat off the shelf." Main Character: And by "eat off the shelf" I mean "look at and strongly consider eating." Off-panel: So you look at rubber bands? Main Character: Exactly.
Off-panel: Check out this great black dress Mom bought me for the prom. Main Character: That's a garbage bag. Off-panel: Oh. Off-panel: On the bright side, if this one tears, there's another 24 in the box. Main Character: I brushed my teeth with an electric egg beater last night. My teeth don't feel especially clean... on the other hand I can fit a whole potato in my mouth now.
[[Main Character stands opposite Rodney the Second-Grade T-Ball Jockey.]] Main Character: Hey Rodney the Second-Grade T-Ball Jockey, how's it going? Rodney the Second-Grade T-Ball Jockey: Watch it right there, buddy, or you're going to find out just how much hurt can come from a hollow plastic bat. Rodney the Second-Grade T-Ball Jockey: I'm about t-ball the way chicken soup's about love. [[Main Character holds a stick with something on the end of it over a fire.]] Main Character: Isn't this fire great? Man, I love camping. Off-panel: What are you talking about? This is Wal-Mart. It's not even the out-doors section. Main Character: Yeah... pull up a wicker chair and help me with this Lego set.
[[Main Character stands opposite a cylinder.]] Main Character: Man... now that is one big tub of crisco. Tub of Crisco: I write poetry about baby deer. Main Character: Ever been published? Tub of Crisco: I don't have any arms, genius. I can't write them down. ...God I hate myself. Tub of Crisco: "Its ears alert, it had been sipping / from a cool spring pool, its chin now dripping." Main Character: Kind of trite, don't you think? Tub of Crisco: Well I am just a big bucket of fat, you know.
((Another water color strip.)) [[Main Character stands in a forest.]] Main Character: A deep pine forest! No better place to wander on a bleak February afternoon! [[Main Character stands in front of a display of carrots.]] Main Character: Hey, look at that-- carrots for sale. Main Character: ... Hold on, I think this is just a supermarket. [[Main Character cowers.]] Off-panel: May I help you, sir? Main Character: A forest monster!
Main Character: Want to play me in marbles? I'm the champ--unstoppable. I'll win all your marbles. Off-panel: OK, sure. You're on. Main Character: OK, great. I've got a few house rules you should know about. Off-panel: House rules for marbles? Like what? Main Character: For starters, we fire them out of paintball guns at each other. [[Main Character flexes.]] Off-panel: I'm not sure I want to play anymore. Main Character: Still the champ!
Main Character: Hey, check it out, there's a red squirrel in that tree-- you don't see them much anymore. Little guy looks pretty excited, too. [[Squirrel jumps into panel and Main Character puts his hands up in defense.]] Squirrel: Give me your credit cards! [[Main Character races after a bowl with legs.]] Forage for porridge!
Main Character: Ahem... Main Character: There once was a man from down under / who tore my poor hamster asunder / he made a keen stew / out of wee you-know-who / but should I've asked for seconds, I wonder?
((This one may be colored pencil or crayon. There is much green.)) [[Main Character sits on a tree branch, his scythe hanging by its blade from the branch.]]
Main Character: The wind blows against my window. Main Character: I blow my nose against the window. Main Character: What America needs right now are more manned flights to the moon. Off-panel: Don't you think there are better ways to spend our money? Main Character: All I know is we haven't blow it up yet, and I don't like the idea of us half-assing anything.
Main Character: I'm feeling sort of down. I'm not sure what to do with myself. Off-panel: How do you mean? Main Character: Isn't God supposed to have a plan for each of us? Aren't I supposed to be driven to achieve something singular and beautiful for the comfort of my brothers and sisters? [[Main Character holds up paper.]] Off-panel: And you've come up with nothing? Main Character: Well, I have this. Off-panel: An armadillo robbing a gas station? Main Character: I drew it with grape jelly.
Main Character: I have a cold. Main Character: Also, I have your mother tied up in my trunk. Main Character: Man, my hands feel dry. Hand me that lotion, will you? Off-panel: This is waffle batter. Main Character: You're wrong: it's heaven poured on a griddle.
((This one might be crayon or colored pencil. Main Character alternates between blue and light blue in each panel.)) [[Main Character stands beside a box on a stand.]] Main Character: Darn it all! Off-panel: What? Main Character: I put a quarter into the machine and my candy didn't come out. Off-panel: That's a payphone. Main Character: Oh... I guess I'll make a phone call, then. Main Character: What's the number for Mr. Candy? Oh wait, I remember. [[Main Character picks up phone.]] <<riiiiiiiiiing>> Off-panel: OK, who the hell is Mr. Candy? <<riiiiiiiiiing>>
Main Character: Hand me that dental floss, will you? Off-panel: Here you go-- good to see that you're interested in dental hygiene. Main Character: I don't think you understand: I'm about to strangle you. Off-panel: Figuratively speaking, I'd like to date your sister. Main Character: How's that being figurative? Off-panel: Have you seen your sister lately?
[[Main Character stands opposite a box on a pedestal.]] Main Character: Wow, three erases for thirty-five cents! Box of Erasers: We represent your fractured soul. Wear us to the nub: undo your world in angry fits and strokes: we are you terrible nothing. Box of Erasers: We also smell like fruits. Box of Erasers: I'm kiwi! Main Character: It's a sure thing: the world at this moment is going to be hand-delivered to satan for what we've done to the Olsen twins.
Main Character: You know that giant keyboard that Tom Hanks plays "Heart and Soul" on in "Big"? My kitchen sort of works like that, except each floor tile tells a different snobbish "your momma" joke. Main Character: Your momma's so ugly, Léger took one look at her, and he's all, damn, I can't touch that!
((This one is in water colors and magenta.)) [[Main Character looks up into the sky from the tall grass.]] [[Main Character begins flying. His body language suggests that he was taken by surprise.]]
Main Character: Hey Rodney the Second-Grade T-Ball Jockey, look what I have. Rodney the Second-Grade T-Ball Jockey: A naked woman etched onto a t-ball bat. Rodney the Second-Grade T-Ball Jockey: My seven year-old mind lies cleaved in two. [[Main Character stands opposite a ghost with arms.]] Main Character: Woah-- what're you? Ghost: The restless undead--the manifest unkindness of mortal men. Main Character: Want to hear a funny story? Ghost: I've got nowhere to be.
Main Character: A snake in the grass! Fecund spring arrives! Main Character: Wait a minute, that's just a big mess of spinach fettuccine. ...Guess it's time to take a shovel to the living room again. Main Character: I'm thinking about putting in a chimney. Off-panel: Kind of late for that, don't you think? Main Character: Yeah, maybe. Say, can I borrow your garden hose?
Main Character: Hey, hot dog cart guy, I'm thinking of buying a hot dog. Are the mushroom fresh? Off-panel: Ethically speaking, nothing I'm selling should even be considered food. Are the mushrooms fresh? That doesn't begin to touch upon the truth of the situation here. [[Main Character just stands there.]] Main Character: So what's the good word on the mushrooms? Off-panel: I say go for it.
((Orange water colors on this one.)) Main Character: I held a mirror to the world, and the damn thing checked its hair.
[[Main Character stands opposite an egg on the floor.]] Main Character: Check it out, I have an egg timer. I'm going to time my egg. [[Main Character just stands there with an egg timer in his hand.]] [[Main Character just stands there with an egg timer in his hand.]] [[Main Character raises his arms in celebration.]] Main Character: Way to go egg!
Main Character: Birds in the birdbath! Main Character: Numberless vermin in my sink. Off-panel: But you don't have a birdbath. Main Character: Yeah. I guess it's just down to vermin, then.
Main Character: It's my friend's birthday-- help me pick out a chocolate cake. Off-panel: But we're in a butcher's shop. Main Character: Yeah. Think she'll mind? Off-panel: Does she like ground beef? Main Character: Well she's a vegetarian, so there's really no saying. Off-panel: Sounds iffy. Main Character: It gets worse: she's a cow.
((This one is drawn on a teal background. Main Character's light is drawn in white and the rest is black.)) [[Main Character is walking through the forest at night with a headlamp.]] Main Character: Check it out-- I bought a headlamp. Now I can see at night... I'll be the scourge of the night skies! The world will flee from my fell illumination! Main Character: Yar! [[Main Character looks up.]] [[Main Character looks down.]] Main Character: I think I see something... yeah, look-- it's my formative years spent nannied by an amoral, profit-mongering media. [[Main Character looks up.]] Main Character: And there's my working tinker-toy meat grinder!
[[Main Character stands opposite a goldfish bowl on a table.]] Main Character: Rise and shine little goldfish! Goldfish: You don't think I've been awake all night? Sleep is an appointment kept by the sane. [[Main Character just stands there.]] Main Character: Maybe I'll just leave. Goldfish: Toss some of those rancid-smelling food flakes in before you go-- I love their zippy foulness.
[[Main Character holds a cinder block.]] Main Character: give me a hand with these cinder blocks, will you? Off-panel: What are you building? Main Character: A hot air balloon. Off-panel: Out of cinder blocks? What are you using for fuel? Main Character: My unsinkable affection for the world. Off-panel: Pfff. Good luck. [[Main Character floats above a landscape on a platform of cinder blocks.]]
[[Main Character stands beneath a tree branch from which hangs a birdhouse.]] Main Character: Check out this birdhouse I built. Off-panel: Looks solid. But what's that whirring sound? Main Character: I've got the nozzle of my vacuum right behind the little door hole. Bird gets too close, and FFFWP! Main Character: ...Too many birds, man.
((Another water color. Main Character is in green, fire is smoldering orange and red, and the panels are bordered by indigo.)) [[Main Characters sits beside a smoldering fire.]] Main Character: Check it out-- Legos! Off-panel: Aren't you a bit old to be playing with Legos? Main Character: Pleaes I'm building a complicated and nuanced allegory of modern life. Off-panel: It just looks like a regular castle. Main Character: It's a castle of unteasable morality-- everything is tied up in ethical grey areas and contradictory notions of nobility. Off-panel: What are those woodsmen doing? Main Character: They've started a shitty punk band.
[[Main Character is on his knees on the ground.]] Main Character: Check it out-- I'm planting bulbs for next season. Off-panel: Those are dead mice. Main Character: Don't be silly, of course they're bulbs-- look how round they are. Off-panel: That's only because you hog-tied their little feet together. Main Character: Yeah. Main Character: So what do you think will come up? Off-panel: I don't know, but I'm riveted.
[[Main Character holds steaming cup of hot chocolate.]] Main Character: Mmm, hot chocolate-- the flavor melts away my worries. Main Character: Especially now that all that aspirin finally dissolved. Off-panel: I'm pretty sure you shouldn't be mixing so much aspirin with the caffeine in that hot chocolate. Main Character: And I'm pretty sure you only used to have one head.
Main Character: Wait, don't throw those out-- I save all my newspapers. Off-panel: Do you recycle? Main Character: No, I need to finish out-fitting my dread army with sailor hats. Off-panel: That must be some sight. Main Character: We're attacking the supermarket tomorrow-- you can check us out then. Main Character: Ever root around in the back of your cupboards? You can find some really weird stuff. Hey, two jars of pickled tree-rat-- never did get around to making that recipe.
((Another water color. This will be the only time I directly editorialize: this is my favorite Sunday strip.)) [[Main Character sits by a fire that roars high up into the night.]]
[[Main Character stands opposite a bear.]] Main Character: How's life treating you, grizzly bear? Bear: My impermanence weighs heavy on my mind-- life is its own celebration, and its own tragedy. Bear: Also, I ate the rest of my berries this morning and I can't find any more. Bear: Also, I broke another ping-pong table.
Main Character: Check it out, I found a treasure map! My future is secure. Off-panel: Let me see that. Off-panel: "Can you help Ronald find his friends?" That's not a real map. Main Character: I don't know, I'm pretty sure that map leads over there-- that kid must have my treasure. Off-panel: He looks pretty young. Main Character: Let's go rough him up a bit, see what he knows about treasure.
Main Character: Do you know where I could find some orange traffic cones? Off-panel: Are you having your driveway paved? Main Character: No, I'm going to make my kid wear one as a hat. Main Character: I wonder if potatoes know that we call them "tubers." I bet it would really upset them to find that out.
((Another water color, this one orange and yellow. Main Character is dark blue.)) Main Character: Check it out-- I got a harmonica. [[Plays harmonica.]] <<Jimmy Dean sausages>> [[Looks at harmonica.]] [[Plays harmonica.]] <<Jimmy Dean sausages>> Off-panel: That's pretty messed up. Main Character: Tell me about it. Do you even know what goes into sausages? I mean, besides baby cow dreams.
Main Character: I'm making my own pizza tonight-- the fun thing about that is you can put whatever you want on it. Off-panel: What are you going to put on top? Main Character: Angry bees. Off-panel: How are you going to get them to stay on the pizza? Main Character: As long as I keep the oven door closed thing should work out.
Main Character: Year after year when I was a kid I'd ask my parents for a Shetland pony for my birthday. They'd always try to fake me out-- one year my dad threw a shag rug over a moped. I asked him where the head was and he told me not to ask so many questions. Main Character: Another year he cooked us hamburgers for my birthday dinner and said, "Savor the taste, buddy-- Shetland don't come cheap." [[Unknown object sits on a counter.]] Olive loaf! Olive loaf: What am I?
Main Character: I'm thinking of growing a beard. Off-panel: Trying to look more mature? Main Character: What? No, not on me, in that jar on the windowsill. Off-panel: You just don't have a clue, do you? Main Character: I've got a jar on the windowsill. Off-panel: ...But it's still full of pickles. It looks like it's never been opened. Main Character: Look, do I have to draw you a map?
((This one looks like crayon and water color, predominantly green.)) [[Main Character seems to be dancing and kicking, three of him in the same panel.]] Main Character: Va-voomy?
Political cartoon Main Character: I'm a big fan of campaign finance reform. Off-panel: Would you support the elimination of corporate donations? Main Character: Did I say campaign finance reform? I meant fried pickle chips. Main Character: I've got my finger on the pulse of America. ...And I've got my arm draped casually across the upper thigh of Canada.
Main Character: I should warn you, I've begun tape recording all of my conversations. Off-panel: Are you planning to write your memoirs? Main Character: I'm planning to use the tapes as reference material in the construction of a robot facsimile of myself. Although visually horrific, the robot will have a political and spiritual worldview nearly identical to my own. Off-panel: What will you do with this robot? Main Character: Probably argue over shelf space.
[[Main Character stands behind a counter with a bowl and air-popper on it.]] Main Character: Ah, air-popped popcorn. I can hardly wait. Popcorn Maker: Please, I beg you, stop devouring my children. Take pity on a mother's tears. Bowl: I want a pogo stick! Popcorn Maker: How's it feel to want?
((Done on a dark blue background, the details are done in a pastel blue.)) [[Main Character stands on an earthy outcrop as a wave crashes against it. A jellyfish and two smaller fish are in the wave and in the night sky a UFO flies.]]
Main Character: I bought an ice cream truck last week and started selling treats to all the kids around town. That music was driving me crazy, though, so I tore out the speakers and put in my own stereo. Off-panel: So what music are you using now? Main Character: "Welcome to the Jungle" by G'N'R Alternate punchline Main Character: The "Bhagavad-Gita" on tape.
[[Main Character stands behind a counter with a cup on it.]] Main Character: I'd go in, but I'm worried about sharks. Off-panel: What are you talking about? You're staring at a glass of water. You can see there's nothing in it. Main Character: Nothing except for tiny invisible sharks. [[Main Character is now standing in a patch of grass by himself.]] Main Character: I'm trying on a new scent. Do you think it's me? Off-panel: What is it? Main Character: Me.
Main Character: I'm full of verve. Main Character: ...and beefaroni. [[Main Character holds an envelope up to his face. Main Character: I'm just licking some envelopes. Off-panel: But you're licking the outsides... over and over again. Main Character: Hey, mind your P's and Q's!
((This one is done in water color.)) [[Main Character has a bunch of foam in his hands in the woods.]] Off-panel: What are you doing? Main Character: Working up a nice lather. Off-panel: That's cottage cheese. Main Character: I've been at this for hours. [[Main Character is flying above the ground with aviator glasses on.]] Aviator glasses!
[[Main Character stands opposite a small glowing dot.]] Dot: I am a cosmic traveler-- my people have undone the limitations of time and space, and have sought out the people of earth, for nowhere else among the endless worlds of our universe have we found a kindred intelligence. Main Character: What should I call you? Dot: Would that I might tell you, cosmic brother Main Character: Is it unpronounceable by human speech? Dot: It sounds like a fart.
[[A wind whistles past Main Character in every panel.]] Main Character: <<sniff>> Delicious-- someone must be cooling a rhubarb pie on their windowsill. Off-panel: What are you talking about? I think your big pile of tires caught fire. [[Main Character stands there.]] Main Character: Sweet-- look at'em burn.
Main Character: What a beautiful day! [[Main Character holds a manta ray.]] Main Character: ...To release into the wild this baby manta ray I nursed back to health! [[Main Character tosses manta ray into the air.]] Main Character: Fly little bird! Fly!
((This one has a red background and Main Character is done in some kind of pastel blue.)) [[Main Character stands beneath a tree.]] Complicated narratives surround me.
Main Character: The forsythias are in bloom! [[Main Character examines the backs of his hands.]] Main Character: Much like this undiagnosed rash. Off-panel: That's just spaghetti sauce. What were you doing, eating dinner with your hands? Main Character: I was playing catch with my boy out back... by which I mean I was throwing his food at him.
[[Main Character has a bowtie on and is holding something unidentified in his hand.]] Main Character: The dipping sauce for these hors d'oeuvres has a real bite to it-- is it made with horseradish? Off-panel: It's battery acid. Off-panel: ...Guess I'll bring out the main dish-- here, give me a hand. Main Character: Well hey, the rest of the car battery. Off-panel: Okay, so the red clip goes on the positive terminal... man, this is going to be sweet.
Main Character: I got one of those white chocolate rabbits for Easter. Off-panel: How was it? Main Character: Not sure yet. I had the hardest time catching the thing-- critter was moving pretty fast-- and the stew still needs to boil for a bit. Off-panel: Are you sure it was chocolate? Main Character: We'll know soon enough. [[Main Character sits in a bath tub.]] Main Character: Bath time! Off-panel: But you're still dressed. Main Character: You don't know the half of it-- this tub is filled with tartar sauce.
((This one is done on a green background.)) [[Main Character stares up toward the sky in the rain in the forest.]] Main Character: Lilacs shudder in a spring rain-- I sink into the season's soft beauty. EGG
[[Main Character stands behind a counter on which sit several small, chattering toys.]] Main Character: Check out my improved wind-up chattering teeth. Off-panel: How are they improved? Main Character: I've gifted them with the capacity for thought and filled their little plastic minds with nothing but the writings of Hobbes and other grim social theorists. [[Main Character watches the chattering teeth.]] Main Character: Tell me that's not a riot.
Main Character: I watched a PBS special last night about scientists searching for a live giant squid-- they had a mini-sub and all sorts of expensive gadgets. Why would we want to spend all of that money tracking down an enormous breathing goop-tube? Off-panel: What do you think we should spend the money on? Main Character: Developing anti-giant squid weaponry-- it's only a matter of time before those boneless devils make a play for our living space. [[Only the very top of what must be a gigantic squid stares malevolently with one eye at Main Character, who is turned the other way.]]
[[Main Character stands opposite of vase of flowers on a table.]] Main Character: A vase of dead flowers: such a fragile and imperfect beauty, full of-- Vase of Flowers: Don't give up on us! We could still make it. [[Main Character just stands there.]] Main Character: Dead yet? Vase of Flowers: Nope.
((This one is done on a yellow background.)) Main Character: Shoot, my wallet. "A pleasant day in the marsh"
[[Main Character stands with arms outstretched, talking to a flock of birds.]] Main Character: Crows! Come to me! Carry me high into the night! [[Crows grab onto Main Character and he is no dangling sideways not far from the ground.]] [[Main Character is no higher in this panel. The crows seem to be struggling.]] Main Character: Higher!
[[Main Character has on what looks like some kind of goggles.]] Main Character: What do you think of my space-suit? Off-panel: It looks like you just put a strip of duct tape across your eyes. Main Character: What are you talking about? I'm in space. [[Main Character stares into the sky.]] [[Main Character makes a dramatic gesture.]] Main Character: I'm in space.
Join us now for "Buttercup Festival visits the E.R." [[Main Character wears what may be a stethoscope and is holding a chart.]] Main Character: You're all goners. Main Character: My freckles sure do come out in the summer, huh? Off-panel: I think you have chicken pox. Main Character: That would explain the oozing. Main Character: I've got a terminal case of hip-atitis-B.
((Not sure what mediums this one is done in.)) [[Three differently colored Main Characters stand around a large, gnarled tree.]] Tomorrow we would dance. Today we mostly stared.
Main Character: Would you like to join me for tea and cakes in my sun porch? Off-panel: Sounds lovely! When sh-- Main Character: Shut you damn mouth. [[Main Character just stands there.]] Main Character: Would you like to join me for tea and cakes in my sun porch? Off-panel: ...OK, when w-- Main Character: Shut you damn mouth.
[[Main Character holds a small object in his hand.]] Main Character: Fork, nail clippers, little saw... man, this swiss utility knife has everything. Main Character: ...Scalpel, melon baller, wood burning stove... Main Character: ...Air compressor, Led Zeppelin boxed set, squirrel animator...
Main Character: Mmm... the smell of mothballs always reminds me of visits to my grandmother's house. Off-panel: She stored a lot of wool clothing? Main Character: No, she made horrible, horrible soups. Main Character: Finally got that firewood stacked. Off-panel: But you stacked it on my car. Main Character: There's just no pleasing some people.
((This one looks like mostly water colors.)) [[In the first panel, a bright green and yellow grass sits before a light blue sky.]] [[In the second panel, the grass and sky has darkened, and Main Character stands in the middle of the panel looking up at the sky.]]
[[Main Character stands opposite a skinny human figure.]] Main Character: How's it going, Bourgeoisie Ben? Bourgeoisie Ben: My dishwasher has all these settings. Bourgeoisie Ben: Did you see "Trading Spaces" last night? Bourgeoisie Ben: Maybe I'll make an omelet.
[[Main Character stands behind a counter with a blender on it.]] Main Character: Check out my new blender-- this thing can really blend. Off-panel: What are you blending now? Main Character: My eurocentric perspective on world culture, my cynical and celebrated sense of political impotence, and some codeine cough syrup. Off-panel: It smells like the ball tank at Chuck E. Cheese. Main Character: It's definitely time I got back to work on my novelization of "Punky Brewster"-- I've got this amazing idea for an "NYPD Blue" crossover.
Main Character: Do you ever think about the holes in a block of swiss cheese? That maybe each one is home to a little civilization of cheese-beings? Perhaps we should just leave them to their cheesy ways. Off-panel: Perhaps you shouldn't have had a second bowl of "medicine cabinet salad." Main Character: Perhaps. [[Main Character stands opposite a frog tied to a floating balloon.]] Main Character: Another busy day, balloon-frog? Balloon-Frog: You have no idea.
((This one is in pastel water colors.)) [[Main Character sits beneath a tree.]] Main Character: It's difficult sometimes, isn't it? For no simple reason you can point to, and despite any number of blessings, it's difficult. Main Character: We're all thinking of something, though, and I suppose that's some comfort. [[It appears the sun is setting. Main Character stares up at the sky.]]
[[Main Character holds a cup in his hands.]] Main Character: Thanks for the coffee. Off-panel: Don't mention it. You've got a big day ahead of you. Main Character: How's that? Off-panel: Today's the day I'm going to stalk, kill, clean and wear you. Main Character: Well, thanks for the heads up. Off-panel: Finish your coffee.
[[Main Character stands next to Rodney the Second-Grade T-Ball Jockey, who has his arms folded.]] Main Character: Something on your mind, Rodney the Second-Grade T-Ball Jockey? Second-Grade T-Ball Jockey: I've been thinking about t-ball's potential as a metaphor for modern life. Main Character: The needless competition toward abstract invented goals. Second-Grade T-Ball Jockey: The walking up to things and beating them. Main Character: There's more to life than that. Second-Grade T-Ball Jockey: What was that? Was it, "Please beat me into a heap of t-ball chili"?... Cause that's what I heard.
[[Main Character stands behind a counter with 3 small jars on it.]] Off-panel: What are the glass jars for? Main Character: I'm going to fill them with things and put them on a shelf-- a bit of quaint country decorating. Off-panel: Like acorns and dry pasta? Main Character: Yeah, sure. Main Character: Or, you know, maybe monkey thumbs.
((This one is pink water color and ink.)) [[Beneath a large pink sky sits a barely-seen lake surrounded by and reflecting trees.]]
((This is the first comic featuring Buttercup Festival's intricate black-and-white art.)) [[Main Character sits beneath a tree staring at the sky.]] [[Main Character walks through a patch of thing, tall trees.]] [[A thick tangle of tall grass.]] [[Main Character stands opposite a bird in a tree.]] Main Character: A fine morning to you, Mr. Chickadee! Chickadee: I don't know who you are, but get off my lawn. Chickadee: Earth to stupid.
[[Main Character stands opposite a pig.]] Main Character: I've trained this pig to sniff out truffles. Pig: <<oink oink-- grub grub>> [[Main Character stands opposite a orangutan (in a dress shirt?).]] Main Character: And I've trained this orangutan to sniff out high society. Orangutan: to the stables my good man! [[Main Character stands opposite what looks like skunk but is actually a polecat.]] Main Character: And I've trained this polecat to sniff out a good time. Polecat: how you doin?
Main Character: Irony is killing my soul. [[Main Character holds a bottle.]] Main Character: Or maybe it's this minty breath spray. Off-panel: That's deep woods Off. [[Main Character visibly exhales.]] Main Character: Deet-licious!
[[Main Character stands atop a castle wall with a spear.]] Day 1 Main Character: Grrrr [[Main Character bends over castle wall with his arm outstretched toward the ground.]] Day 2 Main Character: My keys! [[Main Character waves.]] Main Character: Little help? Day 3 Off-panel: The peasants are storming the castle! Main Character: Great! Break out the cocktail wieners! [[Main Character decorates the castle in Christmas Lights.]] Day 4 Main Character: Just 'cause it's a castle, doesn't mean it can't stand some cheering up.
[[Main Character stands opposite a cracked wall.]] Main Character: My wall's a real mess, huh? Off-panel: Yeah, I wonder how that happened. Main Character: Probably when I strapped a sledge-hammer to my new ride-around centrifuge last night. [[Main Character sits atop a tank with a sledgehammer rotating around it rapidly. Centrifuge goes <<WHUM WHUM WHUM WHUM>>]] Main Character: Purrs like a kitten!!
[[Main Character holds a business card.]] Main Character: Check it out-- I finally got some business cards. They're done in glossy ecru. Off-panel: That says "vagrant." Main Character: Right. Do you think the glossy ecru works? Off-panel: I like the stolen hubcap logo Main Character: Hey there, dandelions. Dandelions: Please, we prefer "radiant lawn friends." Main Character: Right. So-- who wants to play "Momma had a baby and its head popped off"? Dandelions: Oh God! Who invented that cruel sport?!
[[Main Character stands looking at an ant.]] Main Character: Hey there, little ant. Ant: Give us a hand, will you? Main Character: What's that you're dragging around? Ant: It's a little piece of onion. Good eats. [[Main Character just stands there with his hands resting on his scythe blade.]] Ant: Hey-- remember that time you vacuumed up my family? Main Character: What time was that? Ant: Take your pick. [[Main Character sits against the wall looking at the ant.]] Ant: You know, proportionally speaking, I'm your superior in every way. You could cut off my head and my body would function autonomously for weeks. And ant society is strictly matriarchal-- does that make you uncomfortable? [[Main Character sits against the wall looking at the ant, who has no progressed from one side of the panel to the other.]]
Main Character: Check out my new underwater-themed shower curtain. Off-panel: Kind of menacing, with all those jellyfish and eels, don't you think? Main Character: Wait until I plug it in. [[Main Character stands behind a counter with a waffle-iron on it.]] Main Character: Sometimes when I'm making a big breakfast I'll toss the waffles into the air a few times with a spatula, just so they don't get jealous of the pancakes. [[Main Character tosses waffle into the air.]] Waffle: Glorious!
[[Main Character stands behind a counter with a toaster on it.]] Main Character: Good morning, toaster. Toaster: Good morning. Want some toast? Main Character: No thanks. [[Main Character reads newspaper opposite toaster.]] Toaster: Want some toast? Main Character: I said no. [[Main Character continues to read newspaper opposite toaster.]]
Buttercup Festival presents God Goes Fishing [[A deer grazes on a tree branch in a small clearing.]] [[From the sky is lowered a line with something tied to the end of it. The deer is now grazing on the ground]] [[The line is given a tug and bounces into the air, presumably trying to get the deer's attention.]]
[[Main Character stands next to a barrel.]] Main Character: It finally arrived-- 90 gallons of crude oil. Off-panel: What do you have planned for it? Main Character: My daughter's birthday is coming up, and I figured I could hand out little jars of it as party favors-- kids love that sorta stuff. Off-panel: You'll still have a lot left, though. Main Character: Not after my "tar and feather tour" of the northeast.
[[Main Character is holding a bottle.]] Main Character: Ow! This lotion stings like the dickens. Off-panel: Who are the dickens? Main Character: They're over there. [[A farmer and his boy stand together.]] Farmer: Git off my land. Farmer: Go on-- git. Farmer: <<sniff>> Something smells like a stingin'
[[Main Character stands staring up at a beehive at the edge of a wooded area.]] Main Character: Busy bees! Main Character: What are you working on, bees? Bees: We're building a machine to kill God. Give it a look, tell us what you think. [[Main Character holds beehive.]] Main Character: This is just a lot of honey. Bees: Right. Main Character: What if God likes honey? Bees: This much honey? I don't think so. He'll be so queasy. Main Character: And you think that'll finish him off? Bees: It's our only hope.
[[Main Character stands opposite a "J"-shaped tube.]] Main Character: Check it out-- I got one of those pneumatic message tube systems installed in my house. Ah! Here comes a message now. [[A mouse pops out of the tube.]] Off-panel: That's a mouse. Main Character: That's a lucky mouse. Mouse: squeak Main Character: I say!
[[Main Character stands next to a counter.]] Main Character: Sweet, a make-your-own-taco stand. Taco stand: This guy's such a chump. Other part of taco stand: He'll never make his own taco. [[A taco begins flying.]] Taco: Ooo, what's it's going to be now? Not so keen on eating a flying taco, are you?
Main Character: Wow, I've never been this far in the forest before. [[Main Character sees a small sign on the ground in the forest.]] Main Character: "Welcome to squirrel nation" [[A squirrel appears on a tree.]] Squirrel: Hey there. Main Character: Oh, hey. Squirrel: You don't look like you're from around here. I'm not so sure you belong in squirrel nation. Main Character: I do. Squirrel: What's your favorite food? Main Character: Umm... nuts. Squirrel: What kind of nuts?
Main Character: Hey, I found a new laundromat yesterday. Off-panel: How big are the dryers? Main Character: Massive. Main Character: I'm talking we could fit like 20 kittens in one of those things, easy. Off-panel: I'll get the champagne ready.
[[Main Character stands behind a counter which has a tomato on it.]] Main Character: Hey, it's Theodore, the genetically modified tomatoe. Theodore: Shhh! Don't tell anyone. [[Main Character just stands there.]] Theodore: Pssst. Main Character: Yeah? Theodore: I taste like love. [[A gourd comes into view.]] Theodore: Oh hey, here comes Stuart, the genetically modified gourd. Stuart: I'm just extra bumpy.
[[Main Character walks along a path with a wire fence on one side. He has a walking stack and a backpack.]] [[Main Character meets a dirty-looking character.]] Main Character: Hail, toothless gypsy. What can you see of my future? Bum: I'm just a bum. Spare change? Main Character: You needn't conceal yourself from me--I can see in your eyes the glimmerings of a bosom companion to the cosmos. Bum: I don't know what that means, but you keep my bosom out of this. [[Main Character taps walking stick on ground.]] Main Character: So, where're you headed? Bum: I'm a bum. Main Character: Oh, right.
[[Main Character stands opposite an eel whose body goes off-panel.]] Main Character: Hey, it's a moray eel! You guys are great! Hey, do that electric shock thing. Eel: We can't do that-- you're thinking of an electric eel. We just sort of hang out, maybe grab a fish if one swims by. Mostly we wait for National Geographic to call. Eel: But hey, what's this behind your ear? A quarter! Eel: Got your nose.
[[Main Character walks through the forest.]] Main Character: Wow, I've never been this far into the forest before. [[A floating balloon with a smiley face and ears appears.]] Balloon: Hell, fellow human! [[Balloon turns to face a different direction.]]
Buttercup Festival presents Pizzas to avoid [[Main Character throws pizza up into the air.]] [[Main Character stands behind counter with a flyswatter. Next to him a goopy pizza is surrounded by flies.]] "The Meat Blizzard" [[Main Character stands behind counter next to a hot pizza.]] "The Sump Pump Special" Main Character: Sumpin smells good Off-panel: Shut the hell up. [[Main Character stands behind counter next to a pizza that has a string attached to it that is holding a flying bird.]] "The Tethered Hummingbird" [[Main Character stands behind counter next to a pizza with a small mountain of powder on it.]] "The Emptied Bottle of Aspirin" [[Main Character stands behind counter next to a pizza with a slumped-over baby panda on it.]] "The Baby Panda" Main Character: This is so upsetting.
[[Main Character stands with his finger pointed into the side of the panel.]] Off-panel: Could you take your finger out of my nose? Main Character: Sure. [[Main Character continues to stand with his finger in the off-panel character's nose.]] [[Main Character continues to stand with his finger in the off-panel character's nose.]] Off-panel: Ummm...
Off-panel: Ahh, the country life is the life for me. Main Character: The freedom from all of the materialistic nonsense of the modern world? Off-panel: The brigandry and complete impotence of law enforcement. Off-panel: Say, is that a wallet in your pocket? Main Character: I've been munching on these mints all day long--I can't help myself. Off-panel: Those are my Percoset tablets. Main Character: Stop speaking Dutch! Off-panel: I think... Main Character: Stop it!!
((This one is very sparse, with only four panels but a lot of white space. The third panel is completely circular.)) [[Main Character stands in a garden looking at the ground.]] Main Character: I find such satisfaction in gardening-- dirtying my fingers in the stirring of the sun's great bounty. To sup on the literal fruits of my labour is-- [[A mole appears.]] Mole: What was that? Main Character: Oh, hi Mr. Mole. I was just talking to myself--I do that sometimes. Mole: Sounds fascinating. Want to come down for some tea and biscuits? Main Character: You'll just devour me, won't you? [[Main Character and Mole just stare at each other.]] Mole: No.
[[Main Character stands behind a counter with a sandwich on it.]] Main Character: Arrgh! I hate computers! They never do what you want them to. Off-panel: What do you want your computer to do? Main Character: Cut the crusts off my sandwich here. Off-panel: You could just do that yourself. Main Character: Right, and I guess I'm supposed to talk dirty to myself, too. Off-panel: I can see how that might pose a problem. Main Character: I might have to go back to using a speak-n-spell. [[Main Character is eating his sandwich and a speak-n-spell is on the counter.]] Speak-n-spell: Your love feels so good.
[[Main Character has something dripping out of his nose.]] Main Character: I'm so indie, I've got irony coming out of my nose Off-panel: That's a piece of spaghetti. [[Main Character pulls on piece of spaghetti and it gets longer.]] Main Character: Well it just keeps on coming, doesn't it?
[[Main Character floats in the clouds, his legs and feet splayed.]] [[Main Character flies opposite a glider.]] Main Character: Hey-- it's my old balsa wood glider, piloted by my dead mouse, Supercheese. Supercheese: We're kept aloft by the power of your love-- hate us! Hate us! [[Glider explodes and drops flaming out of the sky.]]
[[Main Character stands looking into the freezer of a refrigerator.]] Main Character: Oh, hey-- there's a little ice troll living in my freezer. How's it going? Troll: Be gone! Or I'll throw an ice cube at you! [[An ice cube bounces off Main Character's face.]] [[Another ice cube bounces off Main Character's face.]]
[[Main Character stands opposite a window with venetian blinds.]] Main Character: Check out my new venusian blinds. Off-panel: You mean venetian blinds. Main Character: No, I mean venusian blinds. [[Blinds emit some unknown symbols.]] Main Character: Right on, groovy venusian masters.
[[Main Character is hiking with a gigantic pack on his back.]] Off-panel: That's quite a pack you've got there. Main Character: I've decided to be like a turtle-- everything I need is on my back. Off-panel: I'm counting fix unicorn plush toys. Main Character: Seven-- Senator Snuggles lives in my pocket. [[Pack emits a <<bing!>>.]] Main Character: Hey-- meatloaf's done. Main Character: Would you do me a favor and take it out? Off-panel: This is just warm rubbish. Main Character: Well whatever it is, could you shove some in my mouth? My arms are all tired up in this thing.
Main Character: Hand me that pastry bag, will you? Off-panel: Decorating a cake? Main Character: Nope. Off-panel: Making fancy whipped potatoes? Main Character: Nope. Main Character: Okay, now hand me your puppy. Off-panel: What do you have in mind? Main Character: Only the world's best poodle strudel.
[[Main Character stands behind counter with a hot pot on it.]] Main Character: This casserole dish looks pretty hot-- better use my oven mitt. [[Main Character picks up lid with an oven mitt on.]] Main Character: Ow! God damn it! [[Main Character stands opposite three faeries that have music notes floating about them.]] Main Character: Howdy-do, faeries. Faeries: Howdy-do yourself.
((This one has four panels that are segmented oddly. They are arranged in a square, but their middle border cuts diagonally through the square.)) [[Main Character is in a field looking at the sky. There are bats in the sky.]] Main Character: Bats! Main Character: You aren't going to suck my blood, are you? Bat: No. Other Bat: I wouldn't mind sucking your girlfriend's blood, though. Bat: Yeah dude. Other Bat: Heh heh... me-ow! Bat: Heh hehh...
[[Main Character is holding a smiley face on a stick.]] Main Character: Check it out-- I invented a robot companion for myself. Off-panel: You just drew a happy face on a paper plate. Smiley Face: Through some cruel miracle I am aware-- and yet my unchangeable face makes all sensations beyond happiness impossible. Intellectually I understand the horrific, godless nature of my existence, and yet I am incapable of any suitable emotional response. Main Character: Maybe I'll just throw you out. Smiley Face: Great!
[[Main Character stands opposite two shambling figures.]] Main Character: I'm raising my army of shambling zombies-- terror will be their weapon, and the world will soon be mine. Zombie: I met a girl this afternoon, she's great. Other Zombie: I want to learn jazz bass. [[Zombie stands next to a girl and Other Zombie strums a double bass <<dum dum dee dum>>.]] Zombie: I'm so happy.
[[Main Character is hanging his laundry on a clothesline in a moderate wind.]] [[Main Character reaches into laundry basket. One of blankets already hung on the clothesline emits alien symbols.]] Main Character: What was that? [[The blanket that emitted the symbols is blown off the line into the air.]]
[[Main Character stands next to a desk with a suitcase opened up on it.]] Off-panel: Packing a suitcase? Main Character: Yep. [[Main Character holds up two dead rats.]] Off-panel: I'd say you have the dead rat department taken care of. Main Character: Maybe just a few more. Off-panel: Do you even have room for a few more? Main Character: There's always the carry-on.
[[[Main Character stands holding a sheaf of paper.]] Main Character: Let's take a look at my week-at-a-glance calendar. Off-panel: You just put a big messy X across the whole week. Main Character: Yeah, that's about the size of it. [[Main Character stands net to a barrel.]] Main Character: This thing's more fun than a barrel full of monkeys. Off-panel: What is it? Main Character: A barrel full of stoned monkeys.
((Panels 1 and 5 are part of a large square that was cut diagonally. Panels 2-4 are placed in the diagonal cut.)) [[Main Character stands on a rocky outcrop with a waterfall going down it. He stares up at Future Boy, who is floating in mid-air via his jetpack.]] Main Character: Hey Future Boy, where've you been? Future Boy: The future. Main Character: So what's the future like? Future Boy: Everyone walks around on stilts. Future Boy: And Ohio built some rockets and launched itself into orbit. Main Character: The whole state? Future Boy: Yes. [[Main Character and Future Boy look down at the waterfall.]] Future Boy: Nice waterfall. Main Character: Aren't there waterfalls in the future? Future Boy: Not since the Martians took all their water back.
Main Character: I think I'm a spy. Off-panel: You're not sure? Main Character: Maybe I'm a really good one. Off-panel: So what did you spy on this morning? Main Character: The laundromat, I guess. [[Main Character has a giant piece of tinfoil unwrapped from the roll.]] Foiled again!
[[Main Character stands behind counter that has a bowl with flies over it.]] Main Character: Fruit flies over my old peaches. Fly: Here I go! Wheeeee! Other Fly: Good one! Another Fly: Check it out-- wheeeee! Yet Another Fly: Ha!
((All three panels are perfectly circular. They sit against a black background that has chunks taken out of it, as if the author didn't finish filling it in.)) [[Main Character stands in the forest in the rain.]] Main Character: A cold evening rain against my face-- I find here a comfort, though not of sympathy, but of anonymity, for the elements have not a notion of my existence, and give not a thought to my sins and failures-- the rain doesn't wash me clean, it washes me away. Off-panel: These are dead bugs-- we've finally poisoned them all. Main Character: Nnnh-hee! It tickles!
Main Character: Check out my new leather boots. Off-panel: I can't believe you're wearing leather-- that's so unethical. What do you need them for. Main Character: I'm a professional frog-stomper. [[Main Character looks down at beeper.]] Main Character: Ope, there goes my beeper. [[Main Character gleefully hops after a bunch of frogs with his boots, trying to stomp them.]] Yee-haw!
Buttercup Festival Addresses Fundamental Inaccuracies of Western Culture [[Main Character stands with a guitar and a scarf around his neck.]] Being tragic sucks. [[Main Character sticks his tongue out <<nng>>]] The tongue is actually really great.
[[Main Character stands beside a barbecue.]] Off-panel: There's nothing on the grill. Main Character: I'm waiting for God to drop something-- the Bible's full of that sort of thing. [[Main Character looks into the sky.]] Turn 1 Main Character: I've got my eye on that squirrel. Off-panel: Maybe he'll trip. Main Character: Maybe I'll get the garden hose. Turn 2 [[Three birds flit around the sky, one very near the barbecue.]] Turn 3 [[It begins to rain.]] [[Main Character licks his finger.]] Main Character: BBQ sauce.
[[Main Character holds something up to his face.]] Main Character: I don't know about this breakfast burrito. Off-panel: That's a clod of dirt. Main Character: This hazelnut coffee's pretty iffy, too. Off-panel: You're still eating dirt. Off-panel: For Pete's sake, man, at least slow down.
[[Main Character stands behind a counter, grating cheese into his plate.]] Main Character: this cheese grater is great. [[Main Character continues to grate cheese.]] Off-panel: Stop eyeing my thumb.
((This first panel is very large and the last panel is circular.)) [[The Main Character sits in the bushes.]] Off-panel: What are you doing in the bushes? Main Character: I've rejected the world. Off-panel: What's the toaster for? Main Character: Well I haven't rejected toast. Off-panel: Toasters and bread are products of the world. Main Character: Shoot, bread. Main Character: Spot me some bread? Off-panel: Sure. Main Character: Do you have the swirly kind, for toast? [[Main Character sits warming his hands over the toaster.]]
[[Main Character stands opposite a bottle on a counter.]] Main Character: Hey there, olive oil. Olive Oil: I'm extra virgin. [[Main Character just stands there.]] Main Character: So how does that work, exactly?
[[Main Character holds a sheaf of paper.]] Main Character: Check it out-- I got a gold star this morning! Off-panel: You're 37, man, stop giving yourself those things. Off-panel: And stop eating only Campbell's "Chicken and Stars" and grilled cheeses. Off-panel: And stop slipping hemp literature into my night stand.
((This comic is presented as a letter, with a small Main Character in red near the bottom.))
Buttercup Festival presents Thinking Out Loud
So not long ago Congress voted to give President Bush the authority to carry on a pre-emptive assault on Iraq. And I read an article this morning about how any bombing would likely push an already crumbling Iraqi infrastructure into absolute ruin-- water, sewage removal, electricity, all would end, hospitals would lose the ability to function, and so on, and it makes me feel like shit, the thought of us further decimating these people's lives. What have any of these future victims of ours done? What is their God damned crime? Wasn't this about ending terrorism, and catching some Bin Laden character? What, we couldn't catch him, so this is our Plan B? And as many weapons as Iraq might have, or be able to make-- although I've read several articles quoting experts who say their capabilities are essentially nil-- I'm sure we've got 500 times as much in some bunker somewhere. Would we ever allow foreign weapons inspectors unrestricted access to our arsenals and factories? It's unthinkable. We've got a bully's paranoia, and we're about to kick someone in the stomach who's already lying in the dirt.
Yeah, 9-11. Here's what I think about that: death is always tragic, civilian death all the more so, and when those planes crashed I was as shocked and saddened as anyone. But it's nothing--absolutely fucking nothing--compared with what the Iraqi population has endured for the last 10 years, and what they will further endure if the US goes head with the pre-emptive strikes. American lives are no more valuable than Iraqi lives, tragedies do not cancel each other out, the 9-11 attacks are no excuse for immorality on our part, and vengeance is no foundation for a foreign policy.
There is, of course, another foundation for our foreign policy: oil. Someone much smarter than I reminded me recently that we don't just vote at the ballot box, but with our actions. Regardless of what I might say about my president's actions, then, I am making my voice heard every time I fill up my tank, every time I drive 6 hours round-trip to go hiking, every time I take the car instead of walking. And I can't think of any way to respond--I have no excuse. It may be a tenuous line of reason that says I'm personally responsible for the suffering of the Iraqi people, but it's no less tenuous ground I'm standing in when criticizing my government for taking steps to ensure the continuation of a way of life I affirm every day. I don't know--we've all got out hands in the shit.
Ignoring for the moment those stickier thoughts, however, what the US may be about to do, in total defiance of nearly every other nation, sickens me. The Bush Administration reeks of the worst combination of pride and brigandry, and I can only hope that our nation takes this rest of the world into consideration when deciding what to do next. I have--me, the jaded, fuck-the-world English lit student--written letters to my reps in Washington, because I don't know what else to do, and because, damn it, they work for me.
I'm not going to apologize for this bout of pissiness--I'm just tired of being scared and ashamed of my government, and nothing I see when I open my eyes strikes me as especially funny right now.
E.G.G 20 October 02
[[Main Character stands outside a stone wall with a gate in it.]] Main Character: A forgotten and overgrown gateway-- what memories and mysteries lie within? [[Main Character enters the doorway. There is a giant frog with a crown and cape.]] Main Character: Oh--hey. Frog: I'M KING RIBBIT! Main Character: Maybe-- Frog: RIBBIT!!
[[Main Character stands next to a rabbit with leads coming from its ears and going to a car battery.]] Main Character: Check it out--I hooked up this rabbit to a car battery. Off-panel: Why? Main Character: Science is the sandpaper by which we finish our world's rough corners. Main Character: Hee, look at its nose! [[Main Character stands opposite a questionable figure.]] Main Character: Hey, it's Loathsome Larry! Loathsome Larry: I've got a whole taco up my sleeve.
[[Main Character stands opposite Rodney the Second-Grade T-Ball Jockey.]] Main Character: Hey Rodney the Second-Grade T-Ball Jockey, I saw you holding hands this afternoon with that girl on your t-ball team. Rodney the Second-Grade T-Ball Jockey: Shut up, you're stupid! That's not true! Main Character: There's no use denying it. Rodney the Second-Grade T-Ball Jockey: She's a siren, a t-ball temptress! Main Character: You shouldn't run from your feelings. Rodney the Second-Grade T-Ball Jockey: Yeah, well, you're about to run from 63 pounds of t-ball terror.
[[A pulled-back view of a forest with mountains behind it.]] [[A single bird rides high in the sky.]] [[A stand of trees.]] [[A field of some type of crop.]] [[A scarecrow stands in the middle of the field.]] Scarecrow: Holy shit, my back hurts.
[[Main Character holds a square thing.]] Main Character: This etch-a-sketch won't clear. Off-panel: That's a mirror. Main Character: This TV show's kind of strange. Off-panel: That's a mirror. [[Main Character holds both hands of a mime.]] Main Character: This etch-a-sketch is sort of fussy. Off-panel: That's a mime.
[[Main Character stares down at a single, falling leaf.]] A Buttercup Festival Halloween
[[Main Character is in a grocery store.]] Off-panel: Shopping for Halloween treats? Main Character: Yep. I don't want to get candy, though--every house gives out candy. Off-panel: What do you have in mind? Main Character: Those Lysol bathroom wipes caught my eyes. Off-panel: Store brand's cheaper. Main Character: Hey--yeah. Main Character: Or how about little balls of ground beef? Off-panel: Cooked? Main Character: Who's got the time? Main Character: ... And a box of sweet-n-low packets, just in case.
((UNABLE TO TRANSCRIBE. The image file is missing.))
[[Main Character stands in his house with a ghost, or some character dressed as a ghost.]] Main Character: No one's come yet-- where are all the trick-or-treaters? Ghost: Maybe it's those barrells of burning filth out on the walk. Main Character: I think you're overreacting to the filth. Ghost: You could have burned it in the backyard. Main Character: Show me a kid who doesn't love burning filth, and I'lll show you a kid who doesn't love America. [[Main Character looks out window.]] Main Character: Say we go for a walk? Ghost: Sure. Main Character: Okay, watch out for the burning filth.
((This one looks like water color and pencil.)) [[Main Character and Ghost walk in the dark night.]] Main Character: So you're dressed as, what, a [illegible, crossed out]?
((This one is entirely pencil with no colors. Only the words are in ink.)) Ghost: So what's Halloween about, anyway? What are we observing? Main Character: It doesn't matter-- superstitions, old folk traditions, whatever-- none of that's important. Putting on costumes and roaming around with your friends, hoarding sweets, daring each other to drag someone's trash cans into the street or steal a traffic sign-- Halloween's an observation of the simple and lunatic sources of happiness. Running around with your friends at night-- how lovely, the parsimony of joy.
((This one looks like it's done in brown and black marker.)) Ghost: Hey-- a piece of candy. Ghost: Mm. Main Character: How does it taste? Ghost: Like the street. Main Character: Want a meatball? Ghost: Is it cooked? Main Character: Who's got the time? [[Main Character and Ghost walk on.]]
[[Main Character is drawn onto a leaf with silver Sharpie.]] The End
[[Insects fly around opposite Main Character.]] Main Character: Tiny insects spinning in the sunlight! Main Character: What are you doing, little bugs? Little bugs: pssspsspssss Main Character: Oh that's just foul.
[[Main Character is silhouetted, standing in a tower over a forest.]] [[Main Character looks out over the forest from a one-man tower. Smoke rises in the distance.]] Main Character: Distant whirls of woodsmoke-- I can see so much from this vantage, and yet the world has never seemed smaller and more bounded. [[Off-panel character talks from the ground.]] Off-panel: Can you see my ham sandwich? Main Character: ...No. Off-panel: What's that in your hand? My sandwich? Main Character: This is... a sandwich. Off-panel: Look, just ham it over. [[Main Character just stands there.]] Main Character: <<snicker>> Off-panel: "Ham it over"--I'm such a goof.
Buttercup Festival Presents Science Main Character: Did you know that the oceans are full of tiny things called zooplankton, which can turn sunlight into food? Main Character: Whales-- giant fish that can breath air--eat these tiny zoos. Main Character: Whales have been known to act out of spite, and should never be approached. Once killed, they may be safely eaten.
[[Main Character holds the end of a vacuum cleaner.]] Main Character: Hmm. I think I vacuumed up my gerbil. Off-panel: You think? Main Character: I'm pretty sure. Off-panel: Should we open it up and look? Main Character: Forget it, I'll just make some soup. Off-panel: What kind of soup are you going to make? Main Character: The kind that comes out of the faucet.
[[Main Character has a pig on his back.]] Off-panel: What are you doing? Main Character: I'm going to make this pig fly, because dreams can come true. [[Main Character struggles with holding the pig, it changing positions in several subsequent panels.]] Main Character: Shit. Main Character: Wait. Main Character: Shit.
[[Main Character stands opposite a spiderweb in the corner of the ceiling.]] Main Character: A spider's web-- a grim gossamer miracle. Any luck, sinister huntress? Spider: So far nothing. Spider: But how're you doing, cutie pie? Spider: Daddy want some sugar?
[[Main Character stands opposite a gopher.]] Main Character: Hey, gopher. Gopher: Hey, I've decided to run for God in '07. Main Character: Can you run for God? Gopher: You can when you have a slogan as good as mine. Gopher: "Gopher it." Main Character: What will you do if elected? Gopher: I'm thinking carrots.
((This one has a thick black border around it with the look of unfinished Sharpie.)) [[Main Character stands next to a tree full of birds.]] Main Character: How's it going, bird congress? Bird Congress: We're debating whether to change our policy on helicopters. Main Character: What's the current policy? Bird Congress: Right now we just totally flip out. Bird Congress: We go bonkers, man, just bonkers. [[A snow has begun to fall on the tree full of birds and Main Character is nowhere to be seen.]]
Main Character: I've decided to be a haiku arist. Off-panel: Great. Main Character: Damn it, a splinter. I should sand the banister which I found outside. [[Main Character leaps for joy with something like a horn to his mouth.]] Hopscotch!
Main Character: Okay, so I've got a ghost runner on second. Off-panel: Dude, we're in Church--shut up. [[Main Character just stands there.]] [[Main Character raises his hands in celebration.]] Main Character: It's outta the park!
((This one is heavily cross-hatched.)) [[Main Character sits on a grassy hillock in the dark.]] Main Character: A cold mist... a quiet evening world. [[Main Character stands.]] Main Character: Well, better get off to work. [[Main Character pushes a waffle cart with an umbrella through a grassy field.]] Main Character: Waaaaaffle man! Waaaaaaaaaffle man!
[[Main Character stands beside penguin.]] Main Character: Check out my trained penguin. Off-panel: What have you trained it to do? Main Character: React with cruel indifference to the struggles of the penguin proletariat. [[Another penguin appears.]] New Penguin: Squawk! [[New Penguin hangs its head as the other penguin does not react at all.]]
Main Character: Rectum?! Damn near killed 'em! [[Main Character just stands there.]] Main Character: Rectum?! Damn near killed 'em! [[Main Character just stands there.]]
[[Main Character stands opposite a bird on a branch.]] Main Character: How's it going, Bruce the Semi-Literate Crow? Bruce: Now that I can sort of write, I'm writing down all my favorite recipes. Main Character: Let me see. [[A box with an arrow points to a card Main Character is now holding, indicating the word "gore" is written on it.]] [[Main Character shuffles through cards.]] Main Character: These all say the same thing. Bruce: Well, you know what they say: "'Tis better to have brushed and flossed than never to--" ...no, wait... Main Character: That was hilarious. Bruce: Was it?
[[Main Character is reading the newspaper behind a counter.]] Main Character: I'm pleased with my new highlighter--it lets me highlight important passages. Off-panel: "Archie and Firends Hit the Beach"? What could you need to highlight in that? Main Character: Actually, I just like drawing laser beams coming out of Veronica's eyes. Main Character: Ptoo! Ptoo! [[Main Character flips page.]] Main Character: Ptoo! Ptoo!
Main Character: I feel like playing a board game. Off-panel: Any one in particular? Main Character: I was thinking of "Kiss N Tell." [[Main Character holds a box in his hands.]] Off-panel: That's not an actual board game. Main Character: Oh yeah? What's this? Off-panel: Did you make that yourself? It looks like a shoe box. Main Character: There's a phone inside, c'mon.
((This one is done on teal paper. All things are drawn in a light gray or white pencil.)) Buttercup Festival Presents... Animal Husbandry Main Character: I'm not marrying a chicken. Main Character: I just won't do it. [[An empty field with evergreens in the distance.]]
[[Main Character stands behind a counter with wires strewn over it.]] Off-panel: What's with all the wiring? Main Character: I'm trying to bring this penut butter sandwich to life. It isn't working, though-- it's just sitting there. Off-panel: Well it's only a sandwich--even if it were alive, it wouldn't be able to move. Maybe it's alive right now. [[Main Character contemplates the sandwich.]] [[A heart appears above Main Character's head as he continues to contemplate the sandwich.]]
Main Character: You know that paint brand, Behr? They have a bear on their logo. Someone should really tell them they're spelling "bear" wrong. Main Character: Check it out--I got one of those "George Foreman Mean People Grilling Machines." Off-panel: Something like that. Main Character: Yeah. [[Main Character holds a sledgehammer.]] Main Character: Welcome to America--here's your sledgehammer.
[[Main Character stands behind counter with a hat enlarger on it.]] Main Character: Check it out, I got a hat enlarger. [[Main Character twists a knob on the hat enlarger. <<twist twist>>]] [[Hat rips <<rrrrrrrip!>>]] Main Character: Who's the man now?
Main Character: I'm going into the bottled water business-- I'll put regular tap water in fancy purple bottles, and eurosock swine will line up for blocks for the privilege of paying $8 a glass. Main Character: Maybe I'll find a way to get a live fish inside and call it "Vie de Mer"-- Those castrated chumps won't know what him them. [[Main Character holds an active electrical wire.]] Off-panel: Is it safe to express so much contempt for your clientele? Main Character: No less safe than it is to brush my teeth with this stripped utility cable.
[[Main Character stands behind a counter with wreaths on it. The wreaths are dripping some kind of fluid.]] Main Character: I'm making festive holiday wreaths. [[Main Character just stands there.]] Off-panel: Are these things dripping with gasoline? Main Character: They're dripping with festivity.
[[Main Character stands opposite Moby.]] Main Character: Hey, it's Moby. Moby: I'm not Moby. I'm just bald. Main Character: When-my-honey-comes-back [[Both character just stand there.]] [[Moby does a jig.]] Main Character: Sometimes.
[[Main Character holds box with antennae on it.]] Main Character: Check it out: I invented a hyperspace intensifier. Wuth it, I can teleport in an alternate dimension version of myself. [[A star-shaped rift appears. <<zwart>>]] [[Main Character stands opposite another Main Character.]] First Main Character: So, you want to make out? Second Main Character: Hell yeah.
[[Main Character stands in a field tilling soil with a hoe.]] Off-panel: Raising turnips? Main Character: Yes--I'm raising them to exist in a world of endless opportunity spent in meaningless acquisition. Turnips: Have you seen my new car? I think I went a bit crazy with the options. Turnips: Yeah, my DVD collection's getting there.
[[Main Character twitches.]] Main Character: I got the fidgets, man. [[Main Character fidgets more violently.]] Off-panel: Oh for goodness sake, pull your toe ouf of that socket.
[[Main Character pours himself a bowl of cereal.]] Main Character: I'll admit it--I like sugary breakfast cereal. Off-panel: That's just sugar. Off-panel: Shouldn't you use milk? Main Character: I prefer coffee. Off-panel: You could eat that with a spatula. Main Character: You could shut up and pass me those firecrackers.
[[Main Character stands next to a fence.]] Main Character: Okay, I've built a fence, so everything on that side is yours, and everything on this side is mine. Off-panel: Abut you built it like 40 feet into my yard--look, my picnic table's on your side. Main Character: That's my picnic table. Off-panel: But it still has my sandwich on it. Main Character: My sandwich. [[Main Character takes a bit of sandwich.]] Main Character: Hey-- ham salad.
[[Main Character holds a disc in his hands.]] Main Character: This single's pretty good, but it doesn't have any b-sides. Off-panel: That's a frisbee. Main Character: Oh... well, go long then. [[Main Character throws disc and as it leaves his hand the following lyrics play amid music: <<I love puppies \ I love clams \ I love guppies \ I love ham>>]] Main Character: These candies are sort of weird. <<crunch crunch>> Off-panel: Those are greasy lugnuts, man... are you going to help me with this flat or what?
[[Main Character stands behind a counter looking at a small piece of paper.]] Main Character: The fortunate in this cookie's kind of strange. Off-panel: What does it say? Main Character: It's just a time and a place. Off-panel: Maybe you're supposed to meet someone there--maybe that's when your future begins. Main Character: But it's for yesterday. [[Main Character stares at piece of paper.]] Main Character: Well there goes that.
[[Main Character stands in front of grocery store shelf.]] Main Character: Hey, look--tinned dirt. Off-panel: What? Main Character: See, it says "Freshly tilled for the texture you crave." [[Main Character holds can in hand.]] Main Character: This one says "New look, same great taste." Off-panel: It's dirt. Main Character: Maybe I should get two--I could spread some around the dining room. Won't that be lovely?
[[Main Character stands opposite a tiny worm on the floor.]] Main Character: This inchworm is creeping me out, man. It just keeps on coming. Off-panel: Just walk away. Main Character: Yeah right. Ever see those things float around on their little magic strings? How do you fight that? Main Character: Oh man--he's getting on a little motor scooter. [[Inchworms goes <<brap brap>>]]
((Every comic in this series is wrotten on yellow lined paper.)) yellowpapernonsense
((A picture of Mick Jagger looks like it was cut out of a magazine and glued on yellow paper.)) TOP NEWS Tony Blair to Mick Jagger: "Please stop dragging our children into the sea."
Main Character: Niclos Cage... what exactly is wrong with this guy? He's a mess. Off-panel: His face looks like a collapsed highway overpass. ((Note the second "H" in highway had whiteout used on it.)) Main Character: If you made an omelet and then dropped it on the floor, it would look like Niicolas Cage.
Back to the Future was totally awesome
[[A mountain or some type of cliff has been drawn in yellow marker or highlighter and possibly whiteout.]]
((UNABLE TO TRANSCRIBE. The image file is missing.))
[[Canadian flag is drawn in red with the title "CANADA HEADLINES" written beneath it.]] A Confused Canada applies for E.U. membership. "Whoop, my bad," says Canadian Foreign Minister Bill Graham. U.N. Security Concil passes resolution declaring maple leaf prettiest leaf--Canada is pleased.
[[Models cut out from a magazine sit on a dune buggy. They are all wearing white. One of them has a though bubble whose text is crossed out a few times.]] Model: It must be amazing to kiss me...just...wow [[Main Character colored in green stands in a field with his hand in the air.]]
[[Main Character is being carrier by a bird above the sea.]] [[Bird drops Main Character into the sea.]] [[He lands with a <<splash>>]] Main Character: Well, I've fallen into the ocean again. [[A fish swims up to Main Character.]] Fish: Hey hot lips Main Character: Hey Fish: Got a light? Main Character: Yeah, sure. Main Character, thinking: Oh man, this is it. [[Main Character tries to start lighter with a <<flik flik>>]] Main Character, thinking: Oh man oh man
Main Character: Welcome to the opening night of my new Italian restaurant. Bring your appetites and leave your expectations at the door. Main Character: Also, leave your clothes. Main Character: For the record, I'm the 397,628,492,351st kid to think how it would be awesome to kill someone with an icicle, because then it would melt and there'd be no way to catch you.
The Date [[Main Character looks at the ground and <<shuffle>>s his scythe against the ground.]] [[Main Character looks up.]] Main Character: So what's your favorite kind of granola?
[[Main Character stands against an alien space craft with robotic tentacle grabbers coming out of it. The alien is in a glass bubble at the top. City buildings rise behind the two.]] Main Character: Try to guess my superhero name. Off-panel: Just tell me. Main Character: Oh, come on. [[Main Character just stands there.]] Main Character: Okay, it's... Steak Manhattan. Off-panel: That sounds like a dish. Off-panel: So what's your super power? Main Character: Beefy.
Main Character: I've started a band--we're called "Pleasant Effervescent." Off-panel: That sounds pretty lame, honestly. Main Character: Hold off until you've heard some of our stuff-- here's one I just wrote. Off-panel: What's it called? Main Character: "The Canker Sore Shuffle." Off-panel: Where's your guitar? Main Character: Actually, the song's just a bunch of drip sounds I make by flicking my cheek. [[Main Character stands with his hand to his mouth, flicking his cheek. <<pwip pwip>>]]
Main Character: Check out my new scuba gear--that's "super cute underwater babe attractor," of course. Off-panel: That was clever. Main Character: Thanks. Main Character: But seriously, check it out. Off-panel: This is one of those all-in-one remotes... I'm so confused.
[[Main Character stands in a driving snow.]] Main Character: A heaping snowstorm--the reality and the metaphor are losing their distinction. Off-panel: What does that mean, exactly? [[Main Character stands in the snow.]]
((This one is done on line white paper that was torn. It sits on a yellow background.)) [[Main Character holds his foot up.]] State of My Bunion Address Main Character: Still sort of tender, thanks.
[[Main Character stands next to a counter with a box on it.]] Main Character: What's this?... "Unremarkable Biscuits" [[Main Character opens box and starts eating a biscuit. <<munch>>]] Off-panel: How does it taste? Main Character: Like a clean paper napkin.
Main Character: Ready to be terrified? Step into my haunted house. Off-panel: This is just your shower. Main Character: Go on, get in... but only if you're prepared to be scared. Off-panel: Fine, here I go. [[Main Character just stands there.]] Off-panel: Main, this water's cold.
[[Main Character sees a castle in the distance.]] [[Main Character writes on the castle wall "bite me"]] [[Main Character throws and egg against the castle wall <<whap!>>]]
Main Character: I'm nearly finished writing my working class ballet epic. Off-panel: What makes it working-class? Main Character: The performers wear noisy things like trash can lids and oil drums on their feet. Off-panel: They already have that-- it's called "Stomp." Main Character: Yeah, but in "Stomp" they don't walk all across the audience's heads.
[[Main Character occupies a small stand labeled "Try Beer-Battered Bounty".]] Off-panel: So what's the deal here? Main Character: You give me something, and I beer-batter and fry it for you. Off-panel: Like this apple? Main Character: Sure... or maybe your wallet. Main Character: Just about anything!
[[Main Character looks at the sky where a bunch of discs are flying.]] Main Character: Wow, a flock of blueberry pancakes! [[Main Character runs after them with his arm out <<nnnn...>>]] [[Main Character jumps up and grabs one.]] Main Character: Gotcha! [[Main Character eats the pancake <<mmmph munch>>.]] [[Main Character rests against a tree and watches the sky where a "V" of birds flies.]]
[[Main Character is wearing a trash bag.]] Main Character: Well, I've got my three-piece suit and my yellow pad of paper--I'm ready to be a lawyer. Off-panel: What are you talking about? You're wearing a plastic trash bag and holding a banana. Main Character: Well then, call me the world's first solar-powered fruit vendor. Off-panel: Do you have any other kinds of fruit. Main Character: I found some raisins in this pocket--can't say where they came from.
[[Main Character holds a mug of coffee.]] Paid Advertisement Main Character: Are you fancy? Do you like fancy coffee? Main Character: Try "Fancy Pants Coffee"--for fancy men. Mug of Coffee: Go on, Sally.
Buttercup Festival Presents Rodney the Second-Grade T-Ball Jockey in Dial "T" for T-Ball [[Main Character stands opposite Rodney, who is holding balloons.]] Main Character: What's with all the balloons, Ronney the Second-Grade T-Ball Jockey? Rodney the Second-Grade T-Ball Jockey: I'm selling them to raise money for my t-ball team. You'll buy one if you know what's good for you. Main Character: What do they taste like? Rodney the Second-Grade T-Ball Jockey: What? Main Character: They're all different colors-- are the red ones cherry or strawberry? Rodney the Second-Grade T-Ball Jockey: They're the color your heart's going to be when I rip it out of your chest and show it to you after you don't buy one of these balloons. ((The sky here is drawn in a grid.)) [[Main Character sits on a bench with a balloon looking up at the sky.]] [[Main Character talks to balloon that is taped to a table.]] Main Character: So what's your favorite episode of "CHIPS"? ...Really?... That's crazy... no, you are!... tee hee!... you are!
[[Main Character holds a bent wire.]] Main Character: Check it out--I unbent this wire hanger. Off-panel: Not bad. [[Main Character hits the off-panel character <<whap!!>>]] Off-panel: Ow! Shit! [[Main Character stares at bent wire.]]
Main Character: I bought a Wendy's "Classic Triple." I don't know why--these things give me screaming nightmares. Off-panel: It's a damn brick. Main Character: It's like a shoebox of meat. [[In a dream, Main Character runs away from the sandwich that is attached to a balloon and chasing after him.]]
[[A line of birds sits on electrical wires. One has a rectangle in its mouth.]] Bird: Check it out, I got a harmonica. <<furt furt>>
[[Main Character stands opposite a roller skate.]] Main Character: The town put me in charge of this year's Thanksgiving Day parade. Off-panel: No they didn't. Main Character: What do you think of my first idea for a float? Off-panel: It's a jar of peanut butter in a roller skate. Main Character: No, it's the peanut butter brigade. [[Main Character prances along, towing the roller skate by a string and humming or whistling a tune.]]
[[Main Character stands behind a counter with a steaming bowl on it.]] Main Character: I'm making chili. Off-panel: Where'd you get the recipe? Main Character: Who needs a recipe for chili? I just add ingredients until I hit the right mix. [[Main Character pours a liquid from a bottle into the mix.]] Off-panel: Ease up on the maple syrup. Off-panel: Ease up.
Main Character: I'm heading into the hills. Off-panel: Are you crazy? There's a storm coming. [[Main Character trudges up a hill.]] [[Main Character stands atop a hill and talks to the sky.]] Main Character: Hey there Sky: Hey [[Main Character is struck by lightning <<FZZ-AKK!>>]] [[Main Character's body smokes, bent over.]] Sky: My bad.
Main Character: Look at that T.V. celebrity--creepy. Do you think she had that plastic surgery thing done where they suck the fat out of other parts of your body and squirt it into your face? Off-panel: I hadn't heard of that one. Main Character: Yeah, I read about it on a flyer someone stuck under my windshield wiper. Off-panel: I think you should go for it. Main Character: I don't know, man, I think it was hand-written.
Main Character: Could you quiz me on traffic laws? I need to pass an exam today. Off-panel: Okay, what does a blinking yellow light mean? Main Character: Proceed with caution. Off-panel: And a solid red light? Main Character: Proceed with difficulty. Off-panel: How about a cattle crossing sign? Main Character: Proceed with gravy.
WARNING: The following comic is strictly for adults [[Main Character lies face-down on a grassy hill.]] Off-panel: What a lovely day-- are you taking a nap? Main Character: I'm humping the world.
[[Main Character stands behind a counter that has a hot pot on it.]] Main Character: Cabbage soup is great, isn't it? Off-panel: It sure is. Main Character: Mm-mmm. Off-panel: Of course, that doesn't explain why you're boiling my tennis shoes, there. [[Main Character hands from the string of a smiley face balloon with ears in the clouds.]]
Political Cartoon Off-panel: What's with the Latex Gloves? Main Character: Don't you mean freedom gloves? [[Main Character watches TV on a small stand.]] Off-panel: Why are you watching "Fear Factor"? Main Character: Don't you mean "Freedom Factor"? Off-panel: Why are you serving me dog food? Main Character: Don't you mean freedom meat?
[[Main Character stands with his back against a large rock, pushing it into place. In the background, there are other such rocks arranged and behind them is a large mountain.]] Main Character: There! Main Character: My stone circle is complete-- how grand a contribution to the ages! [[Main Character holds a pizza on a peel.]] Off-panel: What does it do? Main Character: It cooks pizza. Off-panel: It's not very done. Main Character: I'll throw it in for a few more minutes. ((The last panel is a black circle with very sparse details in white.)) [[The pizza cooks <<whirrrrrrrr...>>]]
[[Main Character holds a doll.]] Main Character: Take a look at this gift I got for my kid sister-- "Little Sally Uh-Oh." Off-panel: What does she do? Wet her diaper? Main Character: She invests in domestic labor-dominated industry. Off-panel: What happens when you pull that string? Main Character: She runs screaming to the nearest window and throws herself into the street.
The Buttercup Festival Players present "A-sock-alypse Now" [[Main Character stands opposite sock puppet.]] Main Character: Where are you going? Sock Puppet: Up the river! To find Kurtz! [[Sock Puppet begins walking away.]]
[[Main Character sits on a branch of a large tree.]] Main Character: That's it--that was the last straw. I'm never coming out of my tree. Off-panel: Never? Main Character: Why should I? Mark Knopfler's up here and we've got a whole stack of cheese sandwiches and some punch. [[Mark Knopfler hangs by one arm from a branch above Main Character.]] Off-panel: Really, Mark Knopfler? Mark Knopfler: Hey. Off-panel: Hey, awesome. Off-panel: Hey-- "Walk of Life" kicks ass! Mark Knopfler: Well, thank you.
[[Main Character stands behind a counter opposite an answering machine.]] Main Character: Check it out, I finally got an answering machine. Off-panel: Great. [[Answering machine <<riiiiiiiing>>s]] Main Character: Oh boy, someone's calling! Let it pick up! Answering machine: <<click>> WHO ARE YOU?! WHY DID YOU CALL ME?!
[[Main Character stands with a guitar.]] Main Character: I finally got an electric guitar. Off-panel: Yeah? Main Character: Yeah--I'm going to go stand on my roof and play the "Hawaii 5-0" music. [[Main Character stands on the roof with his guitar, fist in the air, as 3 jets fly over.]]
[[Main Character walks throw a dark thicket.]] Main Character: The world's such a mess, I can't even wrap my head around it. Off-panel: It's lovely, though, too. Main Character: Well it needs a lot of work, that's for sure. [[Main Character holds a tube.]] Off-panel: Is that a glue stick? Main Character: I just bought it. [[Main Character uses the glue stick on the ground.]] Main Character: Damn. Out.
[[Main Character holds a small sailboat up to his face.]] Main Character: I made a little boat out of a matchbox, with a toothpick for a mast. [[Main Character sets the boat down in a puddle.]] Main Character: And look, a puddle! Shall we set sail for adventure? [[The sailboat spirals straight up into the air.]]
Main Character: My new motto is "go for the clean kill." Off-panel: Like, for everything? Main Character: In all situations. Off-panel: Okay, say you're shopping for sundry pharmaceuticals. Main Character: Sun-dried farm-a-who-ticals? Off-panel: You know, like toothpaste and aspirin. Main Character: Sounds like a plan-- I haven't eaten anything all day.
((All four panels are perfect circles.)) [[Main Character stands in a swamp.]] Main Character: The lovely calm of a swamp. Frog: I'm a prince. Main Character: ...I'm not going to kiss you. Frog: Shit. Main Character: I've got this vacuum cleaner-- want a ride? Frog: Sure. [[Main Character blows frog into the air with a vacuum cleaner in the swamp.]]
Main Character: It would be great if the statue of liberty's torch were a popcorn popper. Fresh popcorn would spill out all day long, and all the new immigrants could run around and eat their fill. Main Character: And at night she'd read out of her enormous book, and we'd all improve our vocabulary.
[[Main Character stands opposite a walking mummy.]] Main Character: My careless dabbling in egyptology has awakened this mummy. Off-panel: What's it trying to do? Main Character: I think it's trying to give me a charlie horse. [[Mummy punches Main Character in the leg <<whump>>]] Main Character: Augh!
[[Main Character walks through a field. It threatens to rain.]] [[It begins to rain.]] Main Character: Rain again--fine. Maybe I enjoy the rain! [[Main Character tastes his finger.]] Main Character: Man-- yellow mayonnaise. [[Main Character gets rained on.]]
[[Main Character holds a carton.]] Main Character: Check out my new designer beverage. Off-panel: ..."carbonated egg yolk" Main Character: I'm putting the "heaven" back in "dry heavin'" [[Main Character stands at podium.]] Main Character: Welcome to Chez Bosom, my new high-concept restaurant-- by which I mean there's pot in all the food.
[[Main Character holds out thumb.]] Main Character: When I woke up this morning their was a bar code tattooed across my thumb. Off-panel: You should go to the supermarket and scan it in at the register. Main Character: I already did. Off-panel: What did it say? Main Character: "Reduced for quick sale." Main Character: I can't believe someone did this to me.
[[Main Character looks into the sky where two birds are flying.]] Main Character: Where to this fine evening, crows? Crow 1: Block party down the swamp. Crow 2: It's gonna be crazy. Lefty got this blow-up human-- we're gonna tear it all to bits. Crow 1: And then we're all going to try to open this jar of peanut butter I found. [[Main Character, looking unsure, has floated into the sky. The birds are gone.]]
[[Main Character stands holding a newspaper.]] Main Character: I've started a local newspaper. Off-panel: What's it called? Main Character: "The Lovelyville Pitterpat." Main Character: It's for my kitten, smuckers. [[Main Character reads the newspaper.]] Main Character: Scandalous!
[[Main Character sits behind a counter, using an adding machine. It goes <<ker-ching!>>]] Main Character: Check it out--I got one of those cool accountancy calculators with the receipt printer built in. Off-panel: Pretty fancy. Off-panel: What's that you're adding up? [[The receipt in the adding machine grows. <<ker-ching! ker-ching!>>]] Main Character: The number of puppies I want for my birthday. [[The receipt grows much longer. <<ker-ching! ker-ching! ker-ching!>>]]
[[Main Character stands at the water's edge at a beach.]] Main Character: XVIII Low tide, flat water, sultry sun. One observes profoundest shadows rolling. Damariscotta da da doo... [[Main Character stands opposite a hermit crab.]] Main Character: Oh, hey there, hermit crab. Crab: Don't talk to me, man, a wave's coming-- [[Crab is covered by wave.]] Crab: Oh man, here it blibble blibble blibble blibble blibble [[Close up of crab, wave withdrawn.]] Crab: ...wheeze...wheeze... [[Another wave comes.]] Crab: Oh my god-- blibble blibble blibble blibble blibble
[[Main Character manipulates a yo-yo.]] Main Character: Hey, check out my new yo-yo! Off-panel: I've seen better yo-yos. [[Main Character has stopped and is staring off-panel. The yo-yo lies still on the floor. He thinks the next line.]] Main Character: Oh my god I'm about to kill a man. [[Main Character wears a triangular sign. Off-panel: Why are you wearing a yield sign? Main Character: It just seemed like a good idea.
Main Character: I hated high school gym class, especially when we had to play dodge Paul. Off-panel: Don't you mean "dodge ball"? Main Character: No, dodge Paul. Off-panel: Who was Paul? Main Character: Paul was this kid who always smelled like the nurse's office. Corollary pun Main Character: Step into my orifice.
[[A landscape including a mountain and a cloudy sky. A streak runs through the sky. Main Character is visible as a dot on the mountain.]] Main Character: A rainbow! I'm going to find the end. [[Main Character walks beside some bushes.]] [[Main Character walks in a field.]] [[Main Character sees the end of the rainbow disappear into a sewer cover.]]
Main Character: I got kicked out of my band. Off-panel: I didn't know you were in a band--what did you play? Main Character: The tambourine. Off-panel: Why were you kicked out? Main Character: I kept throwing my tambourine at the drummer. Main Character: And also 'cause I wrote "our drummer sucks" on my tambourine.
[[Main Character swims in the ocean. He is wearing flippers on his feet. There are some fish.]] Main Character: Check out those crazy fish! Sea life is fascinating. [[Main Character points at a fish with a banjo.]] Main Character: Hey, that fish has my banjo. [[Main Character swims after fish, who runs away.]]
[[Main Character has giant butterfly wings attached to his back.]] Main Character: Wow--I grew butterfly wings last night! [[In a tiny circular panel, Main Character flies above the trees and a house.]] [[Main Character flies above the countryside.]] Main Character: I can see the city from here, and the hills to the west! [[In a tiny circular panel, Main Character flies in the clouds.]] Main Character: What are the police doing here? ...Yeah, okay, I'm coming down.
Main Character: Check it out-- I've got a glass eye. [[Main Character hits himself in the back of the head <<whap!!>>. His eye pops out of his head <<doink>>]] Eye: At last! Free to roam as I wish! [[Main Character reaches down for eye.]] Eye: Oh come on!
Main Character: Hey, a nickel. Nickel: Finally, a family to love me and call me their own! I'm such a lucky little hamster! Nickel: When can we go go-karting? Nickel: Aren't I a lucky little hamster?
[[A landscape. There is a small, wooden cabin in a field and a distant mountain.]] [[Main Character stares up at the clouds.]] [[Writing appears in the clouds. It says "hey there".]] Main Character: ...woah [[The writing changes to "I know what you did"]] Main Character: oh man
Main Character: I saw "Journey to the Center of the Earth" the other day. Off-panel: It's a classic. Main Character: It is. Main Character: I'm working on a screenplay for an updated version now, actually. Off-panel: What have you changed? Main Character: There're way more tank tops in my version. Main Character: And I've changed the duck into a plucky child genius. Off-panel: But the duck gets eaten. Main Character: I think audiences are ready to see that.
[[Main Character stands besides two trash bags.]] Main Character: I hear you're having a bottle drive for charity. Off-panel: That's right. Main Character: Great--I have a couple trash bags full of bottles you can have. Off-panel: These are bottles for prescription medication--wait, do these all have your name on them? Off-panel: And how is it that these things are all dated for last week? Main Character: What was that? You'll have to speak up--I'm listening to the universe weep.
[[Main Character carries come pipes through a field.]] [[Main Character uses a hammer to tamp the pipes down.]] [[Main Character holds a pendulum over the pipes.]] [[Main Character is back in his house.]] Main Character: Check it out--$300! There's nothing like an honest week's pay for an honest week's work. Off-panel: You must be saving up quite a bit. Main Character: Actually, I always manage to blow it all at the video arcade. Off-panel: $300 a week on video games? Main Character: Well, mostly I keep on using the instant photo booth. [[Main Character has glued photos to white lined paper. The first is just him, labeled "me 4/28". The second is with him and a teddy bear and is labeled "me and Mr. Bees-n-Berries 4/28". The third is him holding the teddy bear's arm and is labeled "me and Mr. Bees-n-Berries 4/28". The fourth is just him and is labeled "me thinking about Led Zeppelin 4/28".]]
[[Main Character stands opposite Future Boy.]] Main Character: Hey Future Boy, what's new in the future? Future Boy: Nothing and everything. [[Future Boy floats into the air with his jetpack.]] [[Future Boy holds out his hand to Main Character.]] Future Boy: But check it out-- a breakfast bar with 70,000% of your RDA of B-vitamins.
Main Character: When I was a kid I was terrified of the bathtub drain. Off-panel: Because you though a monster might reach up and grab you? Main Character: Yeah... and because my parents used to wash me with a plunger. [[Main Character watches bubbles float by.]]
[[Main Character holds a tiny parachute.]] Main Character: Check it out--I made a parachute for my army guy out of a paper towel and some string. Off-panel: Pretty cool--give it a try; Main Character: Here it goes. [[Main Character lets go and it starts floating to the ground.]] Army guy: I'm coming for you, Johnny! Army guy: Johnny, hang on! [[Army guy gets blown by the wind.]] Army guy: Johnny! [[Army guy gets blown through an open window.]] Army guy: Johnny, this is awesome! [[Army guy floats above the tree-tops.]] Johnny-- Johnny, the world is so beautiful! [[Army guy floats up toward the clouds.]] Army guy: Johnny!
[[Main Character has a trumpet with a mute.]] Main Character: Check it out--I got a mute for my trumpet. <<waa wa wa waaaaaa>> Off-panel: Sounds nice. Main Character: Thank-you. Later [[Main Character plays his trumpet on a bench at the shore of a lake where a duck swims toward him. <<waa wa wa waaaaa>>]] [[Main Character continues to play the trumpet more, and many more creatures have showed up: more ducks, snakes, and frogs. <<waa wa wa waaaaa>>]]
[[Main Character wears a night cap.]] Main Character: A rooster crows--a new day is upon us! [[Main Character watches TV.]] Main Character: Oh silly me--I just forgot to turn off the T.V. I always watch the rooster channel before bed. Main Character: Man, that is one sexy rooster.
[[Main Character stands looking over the woods at the sunrise.]] Main Character: The sun comes 'round again-- our hope hath such a canvas! [[The sun rises and Main Character raises his arm.]] Sun: Looking good down there! Main Character: My man!
[[There is a floating sheep head.]] Main Character: Woah, a floating sheep head. Sheep head: Where's my baaaaaady? Main Character: Stop that, it's freaking me out. Sheep head: I was a baaaaaaaaad sheep. [[Main Character runs from the pursuing sheep head.]] Main Character: Aaaaaaaaa! Sheep head: Baaaaaaaaa!
[[Main Character holds a stick.]] Main Character: Check it out--I've got a lightsaber! Vizoom vizoom! Off-panel: That's not really what a light saber sounds like. [[Main Character swishes light saber.]] Main Character: Zweee! [[Main Character swishes light saber.]] Main Character: Kapoop!
[[Main Character is flying above the rolling countryside.]] [[Main Character is woken up by his alarm <<Beep! Beep! Beep!>>]] [[Main Character sits on the edge of his bed.]] Main Character: Mr. alarm block, today is my day to be a hero. [[Main Character holds out a plate of toast.]] Off-panel: My toast fell on the floor. Main Character: You can have mine. [[Main Character holds out his arms.]] Off-panel: It's kind of drafty in here. Main Character: I don't think so. Off-panel: This new shampoo I bought smells like lavender. Main Character: Everyone enjoys lavender.
[[Main Character flips a hamburger on a grill outdoors.]] Main Character: It's that time of year again--burgers on the grill! [[Hamburger patty lands with a <<splap>> on the grill.]] Off-panel: You're supposed to light the fire, man. Main Character: Oh.
[[Main Character stands behind a counter with a bowl on it.]] Main Character: Check it out. Off-panel: What is that? Main Character: It's pumice--a rock that floats on water. Pumice: I'm amazing! Main Character: I'll say. Pumice: I'm pum-tastic! Main Character: ...Okay.
[[Main Character mows lawn.]] [[Main Character looks upwards.]] Main Character: ! [[Main Character sits on top of the lawn mower.]] [[The lawn mower begins to float.]] [[An exciting space battle takes place between Main Character and some space ships which shoot lasers at Main Character.]] [[Main Character seems to give a thumbs up while flying above a "V" of birds.]]
[[Main Character has fuzzy antennae on his head.]] Main Character: Check it out--I made myself fuzzy moth antennae--just like a moth! Off-panel: I wondered where all my pipe cleaners had gone. Main Character: Yeah. Well, I'm off to give my guest lecture at the university. [[Main Character stands at podium.]] Main Character: ...This timid search for resolution to a problem which had come to dominate his career, and which was most evident amid the Irish civil war, and the unavailability of any resolution, is expressed most succinctly in--yes, there's a question? Main Character: ...Yes, I've got fuzzy moth antennae. Main Character: ...Yes, I made them out of pipe cleaners.
[[Main Character stands opposite a band made of giant gumdrops.]] Main Character: Hey, it's my favorite band, The Swollen Gumdrops. Guitarist: We're swollen with love! Bassist: Love of God and country! [[Main Character dances while band rocks out.]]
[[Main Character stands in a storm, a gull struggling in the window above him.]] Main Character: A gull tossed by a grim wind. [[A man in a tie and striped pants is blown in the sky, papers spilling out of his briefcase.]]yy[[A Scottish man in a kilt plays the bagpipes while being blown through the air.]]
Main Character: I had a really bad day today, so I went to the mall and just bought lots of stuff. Off-panel: Well that sounds reasonable. Main Character: Yeah. Check out this Texas Toast-er I got at Coconut Life. Off-panel: It smells like coconut. Main Character: Yeah, everything at Coconut Life does. Main Character: Well anyway, I'm taking off again-- my friend who works at Starbucks said I could go around licking the tables again today.
Main Character: Did you hear? A new chain restaurant opened up in town. Off-panel: What's it called? Main Character: Placebo Burger. Off-panel: Have you been? Main Character: Yeah, I went today. It's strange-- everything costs the same, and there are no catchy names--it's all just "burger" and "salad." And the registers look like toys--it's like everyone's pretending. Main Character: And their cartoon mascot is a big guinea pig with sort of a sleepy face.
[[Main Character stands behind a counter looking at a steaming plate of what may be a dead tarantula.]] Buttercup Festival Presents Just Awful Food Main Character: This is just awful. [[There is a can with a swimming otter on it.]] I Can't Believe It's Not Otter Otter Substitute Now With Water Sufficient for Processing! [[A box sits on a table.]] Preferred four out of five to n'otter [[A cup of yogurt.]] Mannon Meat-on-the-Bottom Yogurt! YOU stir in your favorite mutton, chuck or veal! Enticing new flavor... meat rainbow! [[A can shows a dog sitting next to a fire hydrant. It is labeled "Dog Food".]] For people!
[[Main Character is wearing a trucker hat.]] Main Character: Check out my new trucker hat! Off-panel: Yeah. [[Main Character does a little jig.]] Main Character: truckin' truckin' truckin' Off-panel: What the hell are you doing? [[Main Character swerves.]] Main Character: Nnnyeeeowww!!
[[Main Character holds a weed whacker.]] Main Character: Check out my new weed whacker--I can finally clean up the front yard. Weed: Shit! Wait! [[Main Character starts up weed whacker with a <<vvvvvvvvv>>]] [[Main Character revs up the weed whacker with a <<vvvvVVVVV>>]] Weed: Aaa! Shit!
[[Main Character stands behind a counter looking at a basket.]] Main Character: These last two strawberries are looking a little mouldy--better finish them off. [[Strawberry basket begins to float.]] [[Strawberry basket zips off.]] [[The basket is flying quickly over a landscape of a mountain.]] [[A heart floats above the last two strawberries as they zip off to a horizon of light.]]
Main Character: I sent my laundry out to a place called A-Bomb Dry Cleaning. Off-panel: Sounds pretty interesting. Main Character: Their sign says "We'll Rock Your Laundry." Later [[Main Character picks through his laundry.]] Main Character: They dyed everything hot pink. Even Later [[Main Character looks down at his outfit which is hot pink, though it is depicted by diagonal lines.]]
[[Main Character holds a book.]] Main Character: I can't seem to get the hang of my new favorite hobby, so I went out and bought this book. Off-panel: "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Slug Taxidermy." Main Character: Well here's something--I wasn't supposed to be using a sewing machine. Later [[A giant slug with four eyes and goop oozing from its mouth startles Main Character out of his chair.]]
[[A forest.]] [[Main Character looks up at a bird that sits on a branch of a tree.]] Main Character: Hey, a little bird zombie. Bird zombie: I hate and envy all living birds, although ironically this is only a reflection of their own feat and animosity. Main Character: How did you meet your end? Bird zombie: I built my nest in a cotton candy machine. Bird zombie: D'oh!
Main Character: I rock the mic. Off-panel: Okay. Main Character: They call me "M.C. Gooba." Off-panel: They probably don't. Main Character: Gooba don't dooba that.
[[Main Character stands opposite a peacock.]] Main Character: Look at that peacock, strutting his stuff! Some fancy chicken! [[Peacock bends its head to the ground. [[Main Character tackles peacock.]] Main Character: RRRRRRR!!
[[Main Character sits on a bouncy horse.]] Main Character: Check it out--I found this bouncy horse at a yard sale. Only five bucks! [[Main Character rocks on the horse <<sproing sproing sproing>>.]] [[Main Character rocks on the horse <<sproing sproing sproing>>.]] [[A forest floor beneath a tree is shown with clouds in the background.]] [[The same scene as above is shown at night with the moon out.]] [[Main Character rocks on the horse with his fist out forward <<sproing sproing sproing sproing sproing>>.]]
[[Main Character stands opposite Rodney, the Second-Grade T-Ball Jockey.]] Main Character: Hey Rodney the Second-Grade T-Ball Jockey, I heard you got to second base yesterday after school. Rodney: Lick my dirt, man, I got all the way to third base. Main Character: Lick your dirt? Rodney: Eat my mother's shoes. Main Character: Wait, are you just talking about t-ball? Rodney: I'm always talking about t-ball.
[[Main Character is wearing a big foam number one hand and holds a super soaker.]] Main Character: I can no longer abide the Bush administration's duplicitous rhetoric concerning the environment--I'm off to subvert the dominant pair-o-dimes. Off-panel: Paradigm. Main Character: Whatever. Off-panel: I think you might need more than a "We're #1" foam hand and a super-soaker full of champagne. Main Character: I'm trying to put the "party" back in "partisan."
[[Main Character looks at a headstone.]] Main Character: Hey, what's this? Someone put up a headstone in my living room. And it's got my name on it! Off-panel: When does it say you die? Main Character: Tonight around eight. Main Character: Well, can't worry about it now-- today's the day I've been planning on flying a hot air balloon to the moon. [[A landscape of a tilled field with some kind of animal herd in it. A farmer's house sits in the field. A hot air balloon flies above it all, headed toward the moon.]]
Off-panel: Man, have I got a headache. Main Character: What's that? You've got some head steak? Off-panel: No, I-- Main Character: Man, that's too bad--I could really go for some head steak. HEAD STEAK what is it?
[[Main Character stands behind a counter with a mixing bowl and some jars on it.]] Main Character: I'm baking a pie. Off-panel: What kind of filling? Main Character: Half-sour pickles. Later [[Pie sits cooling on the counter.]] Main Character: Man, I don't know. [[Main Character walks through a blizzard of leaves blown by the wind.]]
[[Main Character stands in a grassy field.]] Main Character: Indian paintbrush weeds dipping in an evening breeze.]] Weed 1: We're dancing! Weed 2: Join in! C'mon! Weed 3: Uh! Uh! Uh! [[Main Character points his fingers in a dance.]] [[Main Character stands dancing in the field as the stars begin to come out.]]
[[Main Character holds a bottle rocket.]] Main Character: Check it out--I engineered a bottle rocket fueled by spicy hot dog relish. Off-panel: That's ridiculous. Main Character: Ridiculicious. [[Main Character sets off bottle rocket <<shhhhhhhooo BAM!>>]] [[Main Character observes the outline of a hot dog created by the bottle rocket.]]
[[Main Character stands in the dark. A point of light hovers above him.]] Main Character: Hey there, firefly. Firefly: Hey, check it out--if I fly really fast, I can spell stuff! [[Firefly spells a cursive "BOOB".]] [[Firefly spells a cursive "Sup?"]]
[[There is a large tree. A seed falls out of its branches.]] [[Closeup of the seed. It is a helicopter-style seed.]] [[The seed is blown by the wind.]] [[The seed blows toward a distant town.]] [[The seed wanders through a bad part of town with signs for Nude Dancing, XXX, and Girls!]]
[[Main Character sits in a fancy chair.]] Main Character: Isn't this great? It's my new king's chair! Main Character: I decree--that it's okay to be happy all the time, constantly, and to eat a grilled cheese sandwich whenever you're happy. [[Main Character blows bubbles from his king's chair.]]
[[Main Character walks through the forest.]] Main Character: I'm really not impressed by people with powerful handshakes. There's nothing wrong with a little enthusiasm and vigor, but people, men especially, with vice-like grips just irritate me. It's like, "Hey, stop trying to hand-hump me, Mr. Eagle Scout."
[[A landscape of a lake.]] [[Main Character winds up to skip a rock out onto the lake.]] [[The rock skips along the water <<pish pish>>]] [[The rock sinks into the water <<plop>>. Two fish observe it.]] [[The rock settles to the lake's floor with a <<kik>>. One fish swims off.]] Rock 1: My name is Peter. Other rocks: Hello, Peter. Hi, Pete. Rock 1: I collect shades of green. Other rock: Sounds pretty flaky, Peter. [[Two fish swim above the rocks.]] Another rock: I like green, too.
[[Main Character stands opposite a chipmunk on a stone wall.]] Main Character: What's with the helmet, little chipmunk? Chipmunk: I'm a chipmunk astronaut and I'm headed for outer space. Main Character: How're you going to get there? Chipmunk: I'm going--wait, incoming message from chipmunk command. They need me to run all over this stone wall. [[Chipmunk runs rapidly all over the stone wall <<huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh>>]]
[[Main Character stands behind counter with a bowl on it. Fruits and vegetables with legs run toward the bowl.]] Main Character: Okay, everyone in the salad! Vegetable 1: Oh boy! Vegetable 2: Yipee! [[Main Character tosses salad into the air with tongs.]] Vegetables: Weee! Ha ha! Weee! [[Main Character pours salad dressing on the salad.]]
[[Main Character stands on a carpet.]] Main Character: Have you noticed how the floor beneath this carpet is a bit springy? [[Main Character rolls back carpet to reveal a door in the floor.]] Main Character: Wow, a trap door to a secret cellar! [[Main Character walks down a stone stairway cut into the rock.]] [[Main Character arrives at a boat with two oars half in a lake.]] [[Main Character rows the boat out onto the lake.]] [[Main Character rows in front of a mountain with billowing clouds.]]
[[Main Character whistles as he walks inside his house.]] [[A jellyfish floats outside the window.]] Main Character: Oh my god--there's an enormous jellyfish outside the window! [[Jellyfish holds up a key in one of its tentacles.]] Main Character: And it found the housekey!
Main Character: I'm thinking of growing pig tails. Off-panel: What, trying out the 6 year-old girl look? Main Character: I don't think you understand me--I'm trying to grow pig tails. Off-panel: Wait, does this have anything to do with those petri dishes full of bacon out in the sun porch? Later [[Main Character sits up in bed startled, an exclamation point above his head. He has a night cap on. He hears loud oinking <<OINK! OINK! OINK!>>]]
[[Main Character walks in the forest in front of a giant tree.]] Main Character: Wow, I've never been this far in the forest before. [[Close-up of Main Character's foot yanking an electrical cord out of its socket.]] Main Character: Whoop [[Main Character watches dead squirrels fall out of the branches of nearby trees.]]
Off-panel: Hey there, I got one of Apple's new seeing i-dogs. Main Character: Oh dude, I can see right through it. There goes my lunch. [[A tiny dirigible floats across the panel. Main Character points up at it.]] Main Character: No, seriously, there it goes [[Main Character has a bag and scarf on. He is riding a foot-push scooter.]] Be a scooter commuter!
Main Character: I found out this morning that I'm a prophet. Off-panel: Oh? Main Character: And I'll tell you, it's a real burden. Off-panel: What do you foresee? Main Character: The Fox T.V. network will begin marketing puffy cheese snacks in the shape of women's breasts. Main Character: They'll sell pretty well, although the follow-up line of breakfast cereal won't really find an audience.
[[Main Character trudges through the dark.]] Main Character: It's getting late-- maybe I'll take a shortcut through old man Gerhalt's pumpkin patch. [[Main Character walks through a pumpkin patch.]] [[The vines of a pumpkin float off the ground and after Main Character as he walks.]] [[The vines grab Main Character.]] Main Character: YAARRRGH!! [[Main Character stands with a pumpkin over his head staring out over a field with a full moon behind him.]]
What the storm brought [[A forest sweeps across the panel from left to right, tapering off as it reaches a hill.]]
[[A bare hill. In the distance, two birds fly.]] [[It begins to downpour.]]
[[A silhouette of a man with a walking stick stands on the hillside in the pouring rain.]] It brought from the old hillman's lips the following utterance, said only to himself... Hill-man: The bright portions of the sky are closing up. ...which he quite liked the sound of, and so repeated to himself for the storm's duration.
[[A clearing in the forest, or possibly a pond, gets drenched.]] It brought a lot of rain.
[[A large tree trunk lies on the ground, uprooted.]] It brought a simultaneous strengthening and weakening of any available shelter.
[[The storm is seen blowing off the mountain. Two birds once again fly in the clouds.]]
Main Character: I'm in a band called Munchkin Food--you should come check us out at the pub tonight. Off-panel: Okay. Later [[Main Character plays guitar and a stick figure with giant angry eyebrows clenches his teeth and sings <<RRRRRR!!>>]] [[Stick figure sticks out his tongue and gives a big raspberry <<pbbpbthkxth!!>>]]
[[Main Character has a long pipe with a bubble at the end.]] Main Character: I'm a glass blower! [[Main Character blows into the pipe so that the bubble expands a bit.]] [[A thumbs-up appears at the end of the glass-blowing tube.]]
[[Main Character flips a nickel in the air.]] [[Main Character stands on a drain.]] Main Character: Oh no!--I lost my lucky nickel down this storm drain! [[Main Character's arm reaches through the storm drain. There is a giant rat on a rushing rocket on some railroad track.]] Main Character: Uhhh...
[[Main Character stands in a field of raspberries.]] Main Character: Quite a raspberry crop this year-- just look at them all! Raspberry: Taste me, I'm tangy and delicious! [[Main Character holds raspberry in his hand.]] Main Character: Okay. Raspberry: Oh boy oh boy! [[Main Character takes a bite.]] Raspberry: Oh my god ow!
[[Main Character stands opposite a tree branch with a caterpillar on it.]] Main Character: Hey, it's Lance, the pessimistic caterpillar. Lance: Man, I'm never going to be a butterfly. Later [[Lance has turned into a butterfly.]] Lance: These colors are so stupid. Lance: This place sucks.
[[Main Character stands in a graveyard. In the distance, smoke rises.]] Main Character: Sometimes it's amazing that, having our mortality laid so plainly before us and no certainty of the hereafter, our wills don't instantly crumple into madness. [[Main Character stands opposite Rodney, the Second-Grade T-Ball Jockey.]] Main Character: Wouldn't you say, Rodney, the Second-Grade T-Ball Jockey? Rodney: Whatever, man-- just 'cause we're all going to get benched, doesn't mean we can't take a few swings first. Main Character: Does anybody ever get benched in t-ball? Rodney: Freddie-no-fingers got benched. Rodney: That guy was a real spaz.
Off-panel: I'm going to the store. Do you need anything? Main Character: Could you pick up some barbed wire? I'm baking my nephew a birthday cake, and we're fresh out. Later [[Main Character holds up a cake with barbed wire in it.]] Main Character: Yeah, you'll have to unwrap the barbed wire. Main Character: Go on, lick off the frosting... c'mon, don't you love your uncle?
Main Character: Check it out-- a fresh pack of fruity chewing gum! Who wants the first piece? [[Main Character watches a crowd of happy kids with balloons chase after a bunny strapped to a rocket.]] Main Character: Phooey.
[[Main Character stands opposite a piece of wood on the ground.]] Main Character: Hey, a piece of driftwood. Driftwood: Damn it! People keep calling me that! Well I'm taking my recorder , and I'm leaving. [[Drift wood floats into the air.]] [[Off in the distance between some rolling hills the driftwood, music notes trail from the flying driftwood.]] [[A woman looks up at the driftwood.]] Woman: Wow, I've never seen a piece of driftwood do that. Driftwood: Damn it!
[[Main Character holds a steaming pie.]] Main Character: Mmm-mm! There's nothing I love more than apple pie, fresh from the oven! [[Main Character gets truck by lightning <<CKCK-RACK!>>]] [[Pie coats the walls.]] Main Character: Awesome!
Main Character: I had that dream again last night--the one where Nina Persson of the Cardigans and I are waiting at the bus stop in the middle of nowhere, just as it's getting dark. Main Character: She's sort of sniffling and looking around in this sad and confused way, and I get the feeling that the rest of The Cardigans had just left her there and taken off. Main Character: And I feel sort of bad for her, but not really, because they're a pretty stupid band when you get down to it.
[[Main Character has wings strapped to his arms.]] Main Character: I've been waiting for such a windy day to test my new full-body kite. [[Main Character leaps off the ground.]] Main Character: It's working! [[Main Character slams into wall <<WUMP!!>>]] [[Main Character jumps off roof to try again.]] [[Main Character gets struck in a tree.]] Main Character: Ack--damn it. [[Guy looks up at Main Character.]] [[Guy stands next to sign he made that says "Guy in Tree" $2. Other people mill about and look up at Main Character.]]
[[Main Character stands opposite Cosmic Protean Intelligence.]] Main Character: Cosmic Protean Intelligence? [[Cosmic Protean Intelligence emits symbols.]] Main Character: No, I'm not going to help you with your WWII Mustang Fighter Plane model--you bought it, you do it. Later [[Cosmic Protean Intelligence holds airplane.]] Main Character: Hey, looks pretty good. [[Cosmic Protean Intelligence emits symbols.]] Main Character: No, of course it won't fly off and attack the Germans. [[Cosmic Protean Intelligence emits symbols.]] Main Character: Oh stop it, you big baby.
Main Character: I've been staring at this M.C. Escher poster all morning--the one where the monks walk up and down the stairs forever? I can't figure it out. Main Character: I tried looking at it in a mirror, but the only thing that changed was that the monks were drinking cappuccinos. Main Character: Then I put a disco ball in front of it, and they all started doing the Charleston.
Happy Halloween ((This one is done in pastel water colors.)) [[Main Character walks in a torrent of orange leaves.]]
((This one is also done in pastel water colors.)) Happy Halloween [[Green, orange, and red leaves fall from a tree whose trunk is visible.]]
End. [[Red-orange leaves fall into a pile.]]
[[Main Character stands on a ladder.]] Main Character: Is this the tallest ladder we have? Off-panel: Yeah-- how high do you need to reach? Main Character: To the glossy firmament and beyond! Main Character: Wait, there's a stick--shoot, I'm not supposed to be standing on this step. [[Main Character stands on the ladder looking up at the stars at night.]]
Main Character: I'm the scurvy champ! Off-panel: Man, you say that every day when you get home. Just who do you think you're competing against? [[Main Character just stands there.]] [[Main Character raises his arm in alarm.]] Off-panel: Want some of this orange? Main Character: NO!
[[Main Character stands in front of a map of the world.]] Main Character: Check it out, I got a map of the world and some push-puns. I'm going to put a pin everywhere I've been. Off-panel: There's no way you've been to Antarctica that many times. Off-panel: And how could your journey across Mexico spell out the word "tacos"?
[[Main Character stands on a beach.]] Main Character: The ocean-- a foundry for fickle serenities! [[Main Character watches one bird shoot another bird like a fighter plane <<eh eh eh eh eh eh>>]] [[One bird explodes with a <<BAM!!>>]] [[A parachute deploys from the explosion.]] [[Close-up of the parachutist, which is a small oblong sphere with a helmet on it that says "Grade-A M.F. with 7 marks scratched into it.]]
[[Main Character stands behind a counter with a jar on it and a fork.]] Main Character: Lunch time! Off-panel: All you have is a jar of pickles and a fork. Main Character: So? [[There is now a box with a pickle in it on the counter.]] Main Character: Hey, have I showed you my new laptop? Off-panel: You just stuck a pickle into the slot of an old Sega Genesis. Main Character: Man, I don't have to listen to this--I have a hot date to get ready for anyway. Later [[Main Character stands behind a counter with a candle and what looks like the Sega Genesis with a wig on it.]]
Main Character: You know that old man, whose portrait hangs somewhere in every library? Off-panel: Yeah, him. Main Character: Yeah--what's his deal? Off-panel: I think he's just a nice old guy. Main Character: I heard he was really into kids, you know, like, that way. Off-panel: Oh stop it. Main Character: No, seriously. He'd hang around with copies of "Alice Through the Looking Glass," creeping everybody out. Off-panel: So why did they hang up his picture? Main Character: Librarians are crazy.
[[Main Character looks out over a some distant hills.]] Main Character: An unnatural calm. [[A giant brain in a glass globe with tentacles coming out of the bottom stands opposite Main Character.]] Main Character: An unnatural mom. Brain: I'm doing a load of darks! Brain: AAARRGH!
[[Main Character holds a carrot on a leash.]] Off-panel: Why is that carrot on a leash? Main Character: I'm going to the park, and I don't want it to get into trouble. Off-panel: I really don't think that's necessary. Main Character: Really? Well okay, you probably know best. Later [[The front page of a newspaper titled "TOPS NEWS". A carrot sticks out of a man's eye. The headline says "CARROT GORES AREA MAN" with a sub headline of "Shocking motive!"]]
[[Main Character holds a trombone.]] Main Character: Check it out--I stuffed my pet hamster into this trombone. Off-panel: Thank goodness. [[Main Character plays trombone <<WERNK>>. The hamster flies out of it.]] [[The Character flies toward a set of hoops labeled "20", "50", and "100".]]
Welcome to Buttercup Festival Gets Fed Up [[Main Character walks through the forest.]] [[A landscape of a mountain.]] Main Character: I'm totally aware of the classist scapegoating involved in the S.U.V. arguments, but it still disgusts me to see rows of them parked at malls, or being driven by 1 or 2 people. Main Character: I have no patience for conversations about the ethics of Napster, conversations about car engines, or conversations about angels. Main Character: What's next, individually wrapped M+Ms? Individually wrapped mouthfuls of water? Main Character: Loud, proselytizing Christians and loud, proselytizing atheists bother me to equal degrees. Main Character: And goth people-- I'm sorry-- get over it. Everybody struggles with issues of self-identity, but save yourself some money and... I... what? [[Main Character looks down at his goth robe.]] Main Character: Oh. [[Landscape of a farm.]] Main Character: And President Bush--Goddamnit!
Buttercup Festival...Impresses Women [[Main Character holds a briefcase.]] Main Character: This leather briefcase is so authentic it actually smells like a hamburger. Off-panel: Oh my god, it actually does. [[Main Character holds a cheeseburger.]] Main Character: Yeah-- hungry? [[Main Character holds a bottle.]] Main Character: Thirsty?
Main Character: When I came downstairs this morning I found Moby mixing all my cereals together. I was like, "Moby, you little freak, get out of my cereal!" and he was like, "No, wait, I'm almost done!" Main Character: I bet when Moby snores it sounds like an Atari. [[Stick figure that represents Moby waves.]]
[[Birds fly above the roof of a house with several chimney pipes coming out of it.]] [[A flock of birds flies in a billow cloud.]] [[Main Character looks out the window.]] Main Character: Breakfast... think I'm in the mood for an omelet. [[Main Character opens a drawer.]] Main Character: Are these all the medicated throat lozenges we have? [[Main Character looks in the refrigerator.]] Main Character: And how old is this cheese? It looks like a damn tennis ball.
[[Main Character stands beside a counter with several volumes of books on it.]] Main Character: Check it out-- I finally got a set of encyclopedias. Off-panel: Now you can look stuff up. Main Character: That's what I'm thinking. [[Main Character looks through book.]] Main Character: *flip flip* Would you believe there's no entry for "onion gravy"? Off-panel: Try "Gravy, Onion" Main Character: Yeah, good idea. Main Character: *flip flip* These were such a waste of money.
[[Main Character stands opposite a character with a lot of hair and a guitar.]] Main Character: Hey, it's John Fogerty. John Fogerty: YeEeAaAaAah! Main Character: Hey, I heard you're actually just a muppet. Is that true? John Fogerty: Oh YeEaAaAah! Main Character: So where're you headed? John Fogerty: The swaaaaaamp!
((1st and last panel are adjacent triangles that fit together to form a rectangle, but in the middle of them is the 2nd panel with a very dark thick, dark border.)) [[Main Character stands at the shore of a pond or marsh. The sky is very grey.]] Main Character: What a fine sopping slough. [[Main Character stands looking into the sky as it begins to rain.]] [[Main Character stands on the shore.]]
[[Main Character has a hat with a solar panel attached to it.]] Main Character: Check it out, I'm solar powered! Off-panel: What does that do? Main Character: It sort of warms up my head. Later [[Main Character stands opposite a woman. There is a sign indicating that this is a bus stop.]] Main Character: Oh, I'm sorry--is your head cold?
[[Main Character stands opposite a small machine on the ground.]] Main Character: What do you think of my new invention--the enbageler. Off-panel: So it... [[Main Character bends over to put a small animal in the machine.]] Main Character: It enbagels anything you want--which is to say, crams it in a bagel. Here, I'll use it on my pet mouse. [[The machine goes <<SQUEA>>]] [[Main Character holds up bagel triumphantly.]]
[[Main Character stands in the window of a house. Outside the house, it is raining, and there are some dead-looking trees.]] Main Character: Man, rainy days are just no fun. [[Main Character taps his scythe on the ground.]] [[Main Character holds a jar in a spoon.]] Main Character: Mayonnaise fight! [[Main Character flings mayonnaise. There is some splattered on the wall behind him.]] [[Main Character sits on the ground amid jars of mayonnaise and mayonnaise on the wall.]] Later... [[Main Character stands among the mess he's made.]] Main Character: Man.
[[Main Character sits at desk with a pen.]] Off-panel: What's that you're working on? Main Character: I'm trying to write a kid's book--here, tell me what you think of it so far. Off-panel: "The Adventures of Sinbad the Consumptive" Off-panel: What the hell--Sinbad dies on page four.... and all of these medical diagrams are a bit grim.
[[Main Character holds a pie.]] Main Character: Check it out, I just made a lemon harangue pie. Off-panel: You mean a lemon meringue pie. Main Character: No, a lemon harangue pie. Pie: A global system of free trade would be the ultimate success of capitalism's phoney altruism! Money need not be the animating core of human activity! Pie: Lemon power!
[[Main Character holds a small boat in his hands.]] Main Character: Check it out--I made a little wooden boat for my plastic army men. I'm going to send them down the brook in the woods out back. [[Main Character places boat in the water.]] [[Main Character watches it <<bump>> downstream.]] [[The boat beaches and army men get out.]] Army man: Secure the beach! Another army man: Set up a perimeter. Army man: Let's waste this joint! Another army man: No! Not yet! [[Army men trudge along a field.]] Army man: I'm out of ammo! Another army man: Fall back! Army man: Let's waste this joint!
BF Presents...How to Snag a Hipster Chick Wear scarves inside. [[Main Character wears a scarf while cooking on a stove. A little heart floats in from off-panel.]] Denounce culture [[Main Character still wears scarf. A heart floats in from off-panel.]] Main Character: Oh great, another movie. [[Main Character still wears scarf. A heart floats in from off-panel.]] Cultivate apathy Off-panel: Want me to put on my new Sea and Cake record? Main Character: Ehh...
[[Main Character holds a bunch of flyers.]] Main Character: I just got back from the printers. Want to help me put these flyers up around town? Off-panel: Let me see one of those. [[Sheaf of paper says "Are you eating enough BEEF?"]] [[Main Character puts them up on a brick wall.]]
Main Character: I won a bunch of money on one of those scratch cards. Off-panel: What are you going to do with it? Main Character: I've already commissioned a special stained glass window for the living room. [[Ornate stained glass window says "TOAST" with an outline of bread.]]
Main Character: Oh my god--that baby carriage is out of control! [[Main Character dives toward baby carriage.]] [[Main Character knocks baby out of baby carriage onto the ground.]]
Main Character: You know that song from "Cheers" that's like, "Where everybody knows your name"? That sounds nice. Off-panel: There must be someplace everyone knows your name. Main Character: I don't know--does the D.M.V. count? Off-panel: Why would they all know your name? Main Character: Oh, I just like to hang around--those cats are crazy. Main Character: Same goes for the probate office down at the town hall. Main Character: And, I guess, all the tour guides at the gumdrop factory.
Main Character: Materialism is the winding sheet of the satisfied soul. [[Main Character looks in book.]] Off-panel: What does that mean? Main Character: Don't know--I read it in this book. Off-panel: "99 things to say which will just completely end any conversation."
[[Main Character looks down at a small tree.]] Main Character: I'm planting a spruce sapling--we must all become stewards of the earth. Main Character: Don't bring me dooowwn...SPRUCE! [[Main Character just stands there looking at the sapling.]] One year later Main Character: Don't bring me doooooowwn...SPRUCE!
Main Character: Hey, have I shown you my Axl Rose "Sweet Child of Mine" dance? Off-panel: No, but I've been hoping you would. [[Main Character raises his arms to his sides. Movement lines come off of his shoulders.]] Off-panel: Oh wow. Off-panel: That was really good. Main Character: Really? Off-panel: Oh yeah. Main Character: You're not just kidding me, are you? Off-panel: No, that's seriously the best "Sweet Child of Mine" dance I've ever seen. [[Main Character stands looking at the clouds.]] Main Character: Hey, check out the sunset. [[Main Character now looks at a full view of the clouds. There are several layers and a flying "V" of birds.]] [[Main Character does his "Sweet Child of Mine" dance at the sky.]]
The Buttercup Festival Players Present... What's he going to do with all that ham? [[Main Character stands opposite sock puppet.]] Main Character: Fifteen pounds of ham, please. [[Sock puppet opens its mouth in surprise.]]
[[Main Character stands opposite a slime creature with sunglasses on.]] Main Character: Wow, a huge mound of slime with sunglasses. Slime: I'm a D.J.--I go crazy on the turntables. Main Character: That's amazing. Slime: They call me M.C. Ick. Check out my new album. [[Main Character holds proffered album.]] Main Character: "RU4Ick"
Main Character: I got an email a couple weeks ago offering no-smear lipstick, guaranteed or my money back. I clicked the "buy right now" button, and my computer ate my hand. Off-panel: No it didn't--your hand looks fine. Main Character: No, but then a week later my lipstick came... 5 tubes of it. [[Main Character leans forward dramatically.]] Main Character: And every one had a finger in it. Off-panel: So you just put them back together. Main Character: Yes I put them back together. Meanwhile... [[There is an ink drawing of a valley running through some hills.]]
Buttercup Festival Presents...Tortoise Rodeo [[Main Character sits on a giant tortoise.]] [[Main Character sits on a giant tortoise and tortoise eats some grass.]] [[Tortoise imagines getting humped by another tortoise.]]
Political Cartoon Try new Oil Flakes now with goopy seabird clusters! [[The "O" in oil is an oil drop.]] [[Main Character eats from a bowl with the cereal box next to him.]] Main Character: I can't stop eating! Off-panel: Lick the bowl, bitch.
[[An ink drawing of a wooded path or river disappearing into the brush.]] [[Main Character looks down at a bunch of ducklings.]] Main Character: Wow--a motherless clutch of ducklings has imprinted on me, and is following me around. [[Main Character trudges off and the ducklings follow him.]] [[Main Character stands behind a counter with a frying pan on a stove, the ducklings standing next to it.]] Main Character: Here we go--into the frying pan! [[Main Character grinds some kind of spices onto the frying pan.]] [[Main Character reads the newspaper and holds a hot beverage.]] Later Main Character: Maybe that was wrong.
Welcome to Did You Know? Main Character: Getting a tattoo will not significantly change your life. Main Character: Caterpillars dream in black and white, but butterflies dream in color. Main Character: Two days ago, the people of Medfield, Ohio used 2.7 miles of toilet paper for wiping their own asses.
Main Character: I'm sick of all these "Save the Whales" people. Don't believe for a moment that whales aren't capable of hate. Whales hate you. Main Character: I heard about this whale that swam up the Sienne and ate a bunch of French children while they were dancing. Off-panel: I think whales are fin-tastic.
[[Main Character swings on a tree swing.]] [[Main Character holds a note out.]] Main Character: Psst--hey! I'm passing you a note! Off-panel: "This guy's a real mega-jerk! Check one: Yes No" Off-panel: What the hell, man--you and I are the only ones here. Off-panel: Why you gotta be so mean? [[Main Character kicks at the ground and hangs his head.]] Main Character: Shucks, I don't know.
[[Main Character holds a small jewelery box.]] Main Character: I keep all my secrets in my jewelery box--tee hee! Off-panel: It looks like you keep all your old band-aids in your jewelery box. Off-panel: God, that's just awful.
Main Character: You know that painting, "The Birth of Venus" or something, with that lady stepping out of the clam shell? Off-panel: Yeah. Main Character: I hate that painting. It's ridiculous. Off-panel: Why? Main Character: There's just no way to fit a while lady in a clam shell. Not even a giant clam shell. Off-panel: You could maybe fit a dog in a giant clam shell. Main Character: You couldn't fit a while lady.
[[It rains hard on a country pasture.]] [[Main Character stands on a porch and looks up at the rain.]] Buttercup Festival Presents... The Joys of the Internet [[There is a mouse below the title and there is a scared face inside the "O" of "Joys".]] [[Main Character sits at a computer.]] Main Character: Oh boy, a quiz! ... "Which line of generic food are you?" click ... click ... Main Character: "You are red and white brand: although the post-9/11 surge in patriotism provided a meager boost in popularity, most people are still surprised to find out you're actually around." Main Character: Wow, all those pop-up ads! It's like watching a garden grow!
[[Main Character reaches into the fold of his cloak.]] Off-panel: We're lost. Main Character: We're not lost. Here, I'll get my fold-out city map. Off-panel: Man, that's just a "Game of Life" board. Main Character: Help me put the hills back in. Off-panel: I'm going to go ask that guy for directions.' Main Character: Here, you should probably spin first.
B.F. Presents... Is it a compliment? Main Character: Baby, you light my forest fire. Main Character: Mind if I wash your socks? Main Character: If this house were a taco, you'd be the meat.
[[An ink drawing of a forest with some kind of a fence running through it.]]
[[Main Character holds a fold-up menu.]] Main Character: I feel like Chinese take-out--let's take a look at this menu. Main Character: Hmm--"Mr. Lee's Amazing Spaghetti." That's an odd thing for a Chinese place to have. --Well, I'll give it a try. Soon [[Main Character sits behind a counter eating from a bowl.]] Off-panel: How is it? Main Character: It's pretty good. [[Musical notes come from the bowl.]]
Main Character: I was caught in this awful "which 'Breakfast Club' Character are you" conversation the other day, and I was like, "I'm the janitor."" Main Character: And then this other guy was like, "I'm Emilio Estevez's overbearing father." Main Character: It was really awkward, 'cause I think he was being serious. Wasteoid [[Main Character has some kind of scarf or coat on and is holding a cigarette.]]
[[A far-away view of a lighthouse overlooking the sea.]] [[Main Character stands on the observation deck of the lighthouse opposite a seagull.]] Main Character: Hello, Mr. Seagull! Seagull: Hey, would you mind if I perched on this railing for a while? Main Character: Go right ahead. Seagull: I might poo. Main Character: That's okay. Seagull: Hey--do you have any jelly sandwiches I could tear apart? Main Character: I could make you one. Seagull: Thanks. [[Seagull perched on the railing tears apart a sandwich.]] [[The same far-away view of the lighthouse overlooking the sea, although now it is night and a glowing halo surrounds the lighthouse. The moon is similarly aglow.]]
[[Complicated musical notes appear at the top of the panel. Main Character holds a pair of shoes and a rag.]] Main Character: Classical music always makes me want to polish my shoes. Off-panel: Why's that? Main Character: Don't know. [[Main Character sits in a chair and polishes a shoe. More musical notes appear at the top of the panel.]] [[Main Character sits in a chair and polishes a shoe. More musical notes appear at the top of the panel. Main Character whistles or hums a few notes.]]
[[Main Character holds a frog on a leash.]] Main Character: Check it out--I've got a pet frog! Frog: <<ribbit>> Main Character: You're so cute! What the frog said, translated from frog: Frog: I hope you choke to death on your own fancy teeth. [[Main Character stares down at the frog.]]
Main Character: I finally got a job offer today, and I accepted, but I feel sort of bad about it. Off-panel: Why? Main Character: It's down at the evil robot factory. Off-panel: Well, it's a rough economy out there--you should feel fortunate. Main Character: Yeah, you're probably right. [[Main Character sits at the head of a giant robot with D4 painted on it. It has three splayed toes on each foot and three fingers on each hand. It has some sort of mouth on its chest and stands in front of a rabbit in crosshair painted on the floor. Main Character sighs.]]
The dinner party [[Main Character thinks: Don't say "vaginal suppository."]] [[Main Character thinks: Don't say "vaginal suppository."]] [[Off-panel thinks: Oh God, he's going to say "vaginal suppository."]]
[[Main Character holds some pens in his hand.]] Main Character: Check it out--my cousin's a pharmacist, and he gave me all these pens with the names of new drugs on them! Off-panel: Wow, sort of like a doctor might have. Main Character: Yeah! Just call me Doctor Amazing. Main Character: "Bzzt! Dr. Amazing, you and your amazing pens are needed in the E.R., stat!" Main Character: Oh my God--Nurse, this man needs a total face and body replacement!
[[Pulled-back view of a baseball diamond.]] [[Main Character stands opposite Rodney the Second-Grade T-Ball Jockey.]] Main Character: How's it going, Rodney the Second-Grade T-Ball Jockey? Rodney: Maybe this'll clear things up--it's a little chart I made. [[Rodney holds up chart. The x-axis is labeled 'T-ball' and the y-axis is labeled 'your ass'. The trend is increasing at an increasing rate.]] Main Character: That doesn't make any sense. Rodney: Okay, how about this one? [[Rodney holds up Venn diagram. The left circle is labeled 'your ass', the right circle is labeled 'T-ball', and the intersection is labeled 'go to hell'.]] [[A view of three birds flying above the tree tops.]] [[A pulled-back view of the baseball diamond and parking lot.]] Main Character: Remember learning about Venn diagrams in math class? What the hell was that about? [[Venn diagram. The left circle is labeled 'useless people', the right circle is labeled 'infuriating wastes of my time', and the intersection is labeled 'Mr. Venn'.]]
[[Main Character holds a sign.]] Main Character: Check it out--I finally got an inspirational poster for the sitting room. It has a hang-glider, and the caption says "A goal is a dream with a plan." I'm going to go hang it up. [[Blank panel.]] Off-panel: Are you the one who spray-painted "Hemp Nation" on all the walls?
Buttercup Festival presents... What's it like? Main Character: What's it like? Off-panel: Imagine sinking up to your neck in a bath tub full of warm scrambled egg. Off-panel: And then you feel something by your toes, and you reach down into the egg and pull up a little Siamese kitten that says "Hello" in a human voice. Off-panel: And then you turn on your radio, and the news reader says that Martians have landed, and are asking specifically for you.
Main Character: I love spinach-- it's delicious and good for you. Off-panel: Sure. Main Character: Glad you agree--I've been steaming some for dinner. Off-panel: What do you mean "been steaming"? You're only supposed to steam it for like 4 minutes. Main Character: I've had it on all morning. [[Main Character looks in a pot steaming on the counter.]] Main Character: Wow, a little green diamond. Alternate punchline Spinach: What the hell, man? Alternate punchline [[Ghost heads scream from out of the pot.]] Alternate punchline [[A gigantic explosions illuminates the town. <<BOOM>>]]
Main Character: I know this guy-- for breakfast, he just pours milk over a bowl of instant coffee. Off-panel: He sounds pretty hardcore. Main Character: He's amazing. Main Character: And he doesn't use store-bought milk--he gets it himself from a cow every morning. And he doesn't do it properly--he just tears open the udder with his teeth. Main Character: And he can kill birds just by thinking about them dying. Off-panel: Really. Main Character: Yeah. He does it all the time.
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[[Main Character stands opposite a mushroom.]] Main Character: How's it going, mushroom? Mushroom: Pretty bored, really. Do you have any magazines? Main Character: I've got "Better Homes and Gardens." Mushroom: No, I mean do you have any mushroom magazines. Main Character: Let me...no. [[A small tableau of a mushroom among some plants.]]
[[A far-away view of a farm pasture among mountains.]]
Coming this summer... Vin Diesel stars in "Maximum Awesome"
[[Main Character flips a hamburger on a grill. It takes off into the sky.]] [[Main Character watches the hamburger's trajectory.]] [[The hamburger flies high over the ground toward the moon.]]
[[Main Character just stands there. The top half of his robe is white and the bottom is colored black.]]
Main Character: I saw a dead squirrel in the road out front. It looked like it'd been run over by a car. How awful! Off-panel: That's too bad. Main Character: Do you think microwaving it might bring it back to life? Off-panel: Probably not. Main Character: Yeah, probably. <<*beeeep*>> Off-panel: Was that the microwave? Main Character: Yeah--so, you in the mood for some hot squirrel?
Main Character: I just got back from seeing a fortune teller. Off-panel: What did she tell you? Main Character: She said I'd have an okay day. Later [[Main Character looks through his mail]] Main Character: Hmm... postcard from my dentist, must be time for a checkup. Hee hee--that tooth is wearing suspenders! Main Character: ! [[Main Character drops his mail on the ground in alarm.]] Main Character: The old woman, the prophecy -- it's all happening!
[[Main Character holds a present.]] Main Character: Merry Christmas! Off-panel: It's not even close to Christmas. Main Character: Just open it. Off-panel: Wait, this is the tuna sandwich I couldn't find like five days ago. Off-panel: OH MY JEEPERS CROW this thing stinks! Where were you keeping it, the glove compartment of a running car? Main Character: In a black plastic bag on the roof.
Main Character: I'm thinking of installing a drive-through window in my house. Off-panel: Are you going to sell coffee or burgers or something? Main Character: No--it'll just be for general business. [[Main Character wears a headset.]] Main Character: <<khhkhk>> Thank you for coming to my house. How may I help you?...oh hi, Grandma. Yeah, I'm okay. Yeah, you can use the bathroom--please pull around. Main Character: <<khhkhk>> Thank you for coming to my house. How may I help you?...what? Man, I told you, no squirrels. No, I'm not looking to buy any nuts.
Main Character: Cosmic Protean Intelligence? [[Cosmic Protean Intelligence emits symbols.]] Main Character: No man, I don't think anyone knows how Febreeze works. [[Cosmic Protean Intelligence emits symbols.]] Main Character: No, I haven't picked a favorite jellybean flavor. [[Cosmic Protean Intelligence emits symbols.]] Main Character: Well that's a good choice.
[[Main Character holds a globe.]] Main Character: Check it out--I got a glove. Off-panel: Neat. Main Character: Yeah. Hey, could you pass me that marker? [[Main Character begins coloring in the globe.]] [[Main Character colors in the globe.]] [[Main Character colors in the globe.]] Main Character: <<sniff>>
[[A small object orbits Main Character's head.]] Main Character: Check it out--I woke up this morning, and there was this little planet orbiting my head. Off-panel: Wow, that's really strange. Main Character: Yeah. [[Main Character reads the newspaper with the planet orbiting his head. Above him, there are stars and galaxies.]] [[A view of a mountain with a path to the top.]]
Main Character: Do you ever think about how many worms there are in the ground? Off-panel: There must be tons. Main Character: Yeah, just piles and piles of worms. I wonder what they're all doing... [[Worms are shown beneath the feet of Main Character.]] Worm: Man, I just can't get enough of eating dirt. Worm: I really hope I don't drown in a puddle.
Main Character: So I was going through Wendy's drive-thru yesterday. Off-panel: Of course. Main Character: And on the digital screen that's supposed to show your oder, this poem appears... "Roses are red, violets are blue, nobody here likes you, so just leave." Main Character: so I started to order, and the guy on the radio is like, "Didn't you read my poem?"
[[Main Character holds a bellows.]] Off-panel: What are you doing with the bellows? Main Character: An endearing orphaned chimney-sweep boy is trapped up in the chimney, and I'm going to pop him out. [[Main Character operates bellows into the chimney <<pooff>>]] [[A boy flies out of the top of the chimney <<pop>>]] [[Boy lands on the roof hard <<whack!>>]] Boy: ooph! [[Boy begins rolling off the roof.]] Boy: unnh [[Boy grabs onto the gutter.]] [[The gutter can't take his weight and he plummets to the ground.]] [[Boy lands with a <<bam!>>]] [[Main Character stands over Boy who is not moving on the ground.]]
[[Main Character holds a novel.]] Off-panel: Mind if I take a look? Main Character: Go ahead. Off-panel: <<flip flip>> "As she murmured the words he longed to hear, her lips tumbled like a pair of meaty crimson slugs making passionate whoopi acorss the gravelly wastes of her gumline." Off-panel: <<flip flip>> "Chapter Four: Here Comes the Whoopi"
Main Character: Oh no, here comes Murry, the guy who's always trying to tell stores about when he worked for a meatpacking business. [[Main Character stands opposite Murry.]] Murry: Hey, you know how they get the meat for hotdogs? They get these big hoses, and-- Off-panel: I'm sorry Murry, I really don't care. [[Murry looks distraught.]]
[[Main Character stands at a counter with a frying pan.]] Off-panel: Frying an egg? Main Character: Yeah-- hey, watch me flip it. [[Main Character tosses egg into the air with the frying pan <<flip>>]] [[The flight of the egg makes a loop and hits Main Character right in the face <<plap>>]] [[Main Character holds his face in agony.]] Main Character: AAAARRGH!!
[[Main Character sits at a table with a bowtie on. There is a menu on the table that is labeled "Chez Dude".]] Main Character: Here I sit, broken-hearted. Paid to shit...and only farted. [[Main Character's date just stares at the table.]]
Main Character: Hey, I need to leave town for a few days. Could you watch my pet fly for me? Later [[Fly buzzes around Main Character.]] Main Character: I need to go grocery shopping, but I really don't want to take this darn fly. I know, I'll ask my neighbor the intelligent venus fly trap to keep an eye on it. [[Fly buzzes around Main Character.]] Later Main Character: Thanks. Venus Fly Trap: No problem. [[Main Character holds groceries.]] Main Character: Wait --oh no!
Main Character: I bought one of those life-size cardboard stands-ups of data from "Star Trek". Off-panel: Why? Main Character: I need him for a special "Away Team" mission--there's this girl down at the laundromat I want to ask out. Off-panel: I'm not sure exactly what you have in mind, but I really don't think it's a good idea. Main Character: No, but see, I cut out Data's mouth, so I can just stand behind it and talk.
[[Main Character stands opposite a machine on the ground.]] Main Character: Check it out, I got one of those food dehydrators. Off-panel: So you can make dried apple rings, and dried apricots and stuff. Main Character: Yeah, I guess. [[Main Character holds a mouse.]] Main Character: But look, I dehydrated my mouse last night. Off-panel: It looks like a little fuzzy prune. Main Character: Yeah--maybe I'll put it on a key chain. Off-panel: How long did it take? Main Character: Four horrible hours.
Main Character: It really began to bother me that in a long dance routine Michael Jackson does the moonwalk for maybe ten seconds total. Off-panel: Yeah, that bugs me too. Main Character: So I got a gun and wnet to his house and made him moonwalk for like seven hours. Main Character: And he was like, "No, please, I can't anymore," and I was like, "No, moonwalk!"
Main Character: I'm going to start a yak business. Off-panel: A yak business? Main Character: A yak business? [[Main Character holds up two fingers.]] Off-panel: Do you have a yak? Main Character: I have two. [[A flyer with "Yaks" in large font. Underneath is the website www.yaks-wow.com and the subtitle "come see!"]] [[Two yaks stands in the grass with large mountains in the background.]]
Buttercup Festival Presents The Angry Skunk Skunk: I am just so angry, I am going to spray the next thing I see. Main Character: Oh no, a skunk! I hope he doesn't spray me. [[Skunk sprays Main Character.]] Main Character: Nooooo!
[[Main Character stands beneath a cloud of smoke.]] Off-panel: Why is the smoke detector going off so much? Main Character: I'm burning big piles of stuff in the kitchen. [[There is some type of explosion <<ka-BAM!!>> Several small objects fly at Main Character, who huddles down in surprise.]] [[Main Character stands straight and has a long, thing object protruding straight from the back of his head.]]
((This one is half in yellow water colors and half in green and blue.)) [[It appears that Main Character is wearing a skull and addressing a ladybug.]] Main Character: Ladybird, ladybird, fly away home. Your house is one fire, your children are gone, all except one, and that's little Anne, for she's crawled under the warming pan. [[Ladybird takes off and Main Character watches its flight.]] [[Closeup of ladybird flying above the forest. The moon is very faint in the blue sky and forms a sharp crescent.]]
[[Main Character, very small against the giant sky, flies amid a torrent of clouds that open up onto a starry sky.]]
Main Character: Does someone wanna tell me why my feet smell like popcorn? [[Main Character just stands there.]] Main Character: Does someone wanna?! [[Main Character points at one of his feet.]]
Main Character: You ever have one of those dreams where you're walking by a butcher's, and the fish laid out on the ice start saying stuff? Off-panel: No. Main Character: Man, I have those all the time. Off-panel: What do they say? Main Character: They say things like "Don't trip," and then I trip, and I look up and the fish are all smiling. [[Main Character holds an electric guitar attached to an amplifier and large black and white lines radiate from him.]]
Buttercup Festival Presents...A Discussion of Popular Culture [[Main Character holds a DVD case.]] Main Character: I just rented a DVD. Check it out. Off-panel: "Crouching, Hidden Tiger-Dragon" [[Main Character sits on a couch watching TV.]] Main Character: Man, when that thing jumps out that guy's going to be so surprised. [[Two birds fly high above a darkened forest.]] [[Main Character writes on a piece of paper.]] Dear singer from Cold Play, How are things going? (Pretty well I guess.) I am mailing you a little pie I baked. (Don't worry, I would never poisen you!!!') Your biggest fan, [[Icon of sun and two birds.]] [[A silhouette of buildings.]] [[Main Character looks down at his phone.]] Main Character: Oh boy, a text! Phone: How r u? Phone: im ok. [[Main Character holds a kite.]] [[Main Character flies the kite.]] [[Only Main Character's feet are visible as he is pulled off the ground by the kite.]]
[[Main Character holds out a square.]] Off-panel: Where have you been all day? Main Character: In the basement recording an album. Check it out. Off-panel: "Songs in the key of music" Off-panel: Track one: "I'm sorry I ruind another pair of your nice shoes." Off-panel: You didn't reall, did you? ...Man, how do you keep doing that?
[[Main Character stands behind a counter covered in little figurines.]] Main Character: I succumbed to an intoxicating rush of nostalgia last week and bought every Battle Beast I could find on Ebay. They just came! Off-panel: Those have the stickers you rub to see what their power symbol is. Main Character: Right, either fire, water or wood. Main Character: This guy's symbol seems to be a sandwich. Main Character: This guy's is a spliff.
[[A far-away view of a town on a hill.]] [[Main Character sits on the ground opposite some small furry thing.]] Buttercup Festival [[An intricate ink drawing of a small stream.]]
[[Main Character is speaking into a corded phone.]] Main Character: Hello, yes. I'd like to order a pizza with everything. Main Character: ...Yes, anchovies... yes, all four cheezes. Main Character: ...Listen, I don't think you understand me: I want everything on this pizza. I want to see other pizzas on this pizza. I want to see the phone you're holding on it. Main Character: Yes, I want to see your ass on the pizza.
[[Main Character plays a mouth harp.]] <<doing deerng dwing>> [[Frogs begin hopping toward Main Character.]] <<darng dwang durng>> [[Frogs dance around Main Character in a circle.]] <<dwong dorng dweeng>>
[[A view of the cliffs of Dover.]] The white cliffs of dover [[Main Character sits in a field with a slight wind going through it.]] The slight whiffs of clover [[Main Character and several other people stand staring up at a band on a stage.]] The tight riffs of Rover Guy: Tight, dude.
Buttercup Festival Presents the Unsavory Truth about Sea Cucumbers Main Character: A threatened sea cucumber will expell its guts--just like that. It's disgusting! [[A few sea cucumbers lay on the sea floor. One expells its own guts <<bluurp>>]] Off-panel: "And this means that the first sea cucumber eons ago to expell its own guts as at the forefront of sea cucumber evolution." Sea Cucumber: Hey gus, check this out. Main Character: Sea cucumbers give each other stupid names like "Fuzziwuck."
Main Character: It amazes me sometimes that I am where I am, and that I ever was where I was. Off-panel: Where were you? Main Character: Down the park, trying to get these pegeons to swallow rocks. Main Character: I thought maybe then they wouldn't fly away and I could dance with them. [[Main Character holds his robe out by his sides and dances ostentatiously with one foot high in the air.]]
[[Main Character holds a bubble wand and bottle of bubble solution.]] Main Character: I'm a superstar at the 75-meter bubbles. [[Main Character dips wand in the solution.]] [[Main Character skips along blowing bubbles.]] [[Bubbles fill the air around two bunnies nibbling on some grass.]] Main Character: At this point, do you think Colin Powell actually sort of enjoys licking the shit out of George W. Bush's diapers.
[[Main Character has butterfly wings strapped to his back and stands opposite Rodney, the Second-Grade T-ball Jockey.]] Main Character: Check it out, Rodney the Second-Grade T-ball Jockey, I'm a fairy princess. [[Rodney looks at Main Character suspiciously.]] [[Rodney holds out a T-ball.]] Rodney: Hold this.
[[Main Character holds trinoculars.]] Main Character: Check it out--trinoculars. Off-panel: Where does the third lens go? Main Character: My nose. [[Main Character looks through trinoculars.]] Main Character: Your neighbor hasn't brushed his teeth yet. Main Character: Man that dog's add smells.
[[Main Character stands opposite a barrel.]] Main Character: Check it out--I bought a huge vat of waterproofing wax. Off-panel: What are you going to waterproof? Main Character: What aren't I going to waterproof. Later [[Half of a table with a bowl of grapes on it.]] Off-panel: Man, I can't beleive he individually waterproof all these grapes. Later [[Main Character kneels at the foot of an elephant.]] Main Character: Nice and waterproof.
[[Main Character holds his hand over the receiver of a corded phone.]] Main Character: Check it out--I'm on the phone with Mark Hamill! Main Character: ...Yeah...yeah, I always thought Harrison Ford was a bit of a momma's boy... yeah... Main Character: ... ha ha! You said it!
[[Main Character stands opposite a floating satyr.]] Main Character: Hey there, gigantic infant satyr. Satyr: Ha ha! [[Satyr does a backflip in mid air.]] Satyr: Does my head freak you out?
((There are holes in the borders of panels, making it look like swiss cheese.)) Main Character: You know that company, Virgin? Man, they do everything. Off-panel: Yeah, Virgin Records, Virgin Cola, Virgin Airlines... Main Character: Everything except prostitution, I guess. [[Main Character just stands there.]] Main Character: Oh come on. Main Character: Have you seen the new Virgin breakfast cereal? Off-panel: No, what's it like? Main Character: It's just a bunch of V's and hot air balloons. Off-panel: What's it taste like? Main Character: Cocky rich schmoe.
[[Main Character holds a knife.]] Main Character: Check it out--I invented a knife that can slice open space/time. I'm going to open a portal to another dimension! [[Main Character cuts through mid-air and a black rift appears.]] [[Out of the rift float upside-down floating hearts.]]
[[Main Character stands opposite a pigeon.]] Main Character: I'm teaching this pigeon how to craft and use a slingshot. Off-panel: That sounds like a good idea. Later [[Something comes from the sky and hits Main Character on the back of the head <<whop>>]] Main Character: Ow! [[Newspaper story: Piegeons Rain Stoney Death Upon Park-goers, Mounted police useless. Op/ed Page 7: "How did it comes to this?" Gollum declared coolest little guy page 16]]
Main Character: Hey, I hear the carnival's in town. Off-panel: Yeah. Main Character: Awesome. Can we go? Maybe they'll have a tilt-a-girl. Off-panel: You mean a tilt-a-whirl. Main Character: Really? Oh. Main Character: Well, forget it. [[Main Character looks down in disappointment.]] Main Character: Shoot.
[[Main Character looks down.]] Main Character: Man, I slept terribly last night. Off-panel: Were you worked up about something? Main Character: No, not really. But these two mice were jumping on my head. Earlier [[Two mice jump on Main Character's head in bed.]]
[[Main Character is mixing something in a bowl.]] Off-panel: Mashing potatoes? Main Character: Sure. Later Off-panel: Oh no! Why's the rabbit hutch been opened?? [[Stark zigzags of black and white radiate out from the bowl Main Character was mixing.]]
[[Main Character has a bee tied to himself with a string.]] Main Character: Check it out--I tied a bumble bee to my lapel. Off-panel: How'd you get it to sit still? Main Character: I asked it if it was Kristin Scott Thomas, and it was so flattered that it fainted, and while it was unconscious I tied it to the lapel. [[Main Character looks down at the bee.]] Main Character: Seriously, I couldn't believe it worked.
[[Main Character sits in front of a computer monitor.]] Main Character: Shoot--my mouse is getting really clunky. Better open the bottom and clean the rollers. [[Main Character looks into the bottom of the computer mouse.]] Main Character: Oh, hi Mom. Main Character: Yes I've stopped picking my fingernails in public. Main Character: Yes I know it's important.
[[Main Character sits at a counter looking out his window.]] Main Character: I wonder if those grackles would like some of my cornflakes. [[Main Character holds a sandwich and stands opposite a bird.]] Main Character: I wonder if that mourning dove would like half of my Italian grinder. [[Main Character stands opposite a bird bath with a small bird on it singing.]] Main Character: I wonder if that chickadee would like some of this three-bean salad... [[Main Character looks up at the sky holding a glass.]] Main Character: I wonder if that turkey vulture would like a gin and tonic.
The Lord of the Things One Thing to Rule Them All [[Main Character holds something.]] [[Close up of thing Main Character is holding. It is like a remote control with things and actions to make those things do. Toaster: get hot, pop up early; Lawnmower: cut; Goldfish: swim, swim faster; Coffee; Eddie: Gro. The last thing is obscured by the edge of the panel. My guess is Van Halen.]]
((It looks like this is a scan of some kind of article.)) [[Main Character sits next to the article's main picture next to a snake.]] Utbildningsutskottet
The Buttercup Festival Players Present William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet [[Main Character stands opposite a sock puppet.]] Sock puppet: Hey! Check out that fine lady! [[Both Main Character and Sock Puppet stare off-panel.]] Sock puppet: D'oh!
Join us now for our continuing epic... the Adventures of the Novelty Eye Glasses! [[Main Character holds a large volume.]] [[Novelty eye glasses float opposite Abraham Lincoln.]] Novelty Eyeglasses: You should free all the slaves. Abraham Lincoln: Sure thing, Novelty Eyeglasses. [[Novelty eye glasses float opposite Pablo Picasso.]] Novelty Eyeglasses: You should start this new whacked-out style of painting. Picasso: Done and done, Novelty Eyeglasses.
Buttercup Festival Presents Baby in Space (The baby will not just explode.) [[A baby with a diaper on floats in space near what looks to be a doll.]] Baby: uhhh...eeh.. [[Several more objects float near the baby including a spoon, fork, sock, and hamburger, among other things.]] Baby: eh...eh
Buttercup Festival Presents...A Sensitive Treatment of Popular Religions Christianity [[Main Character stands in a Communion line, thinking.]] Main Character: Don't flip it like popcorn into my mouth... don't flip it like popcorn into my mouth... Paganism [[Main Character has a headband of flowers and some kind of dress on. Birds and musical notes float above his head. He stands opposite Rodney, the Second-grade T-ball Jockey.]] Rodney: More like Gaygan. Hinduism Main Character: How many arms does a purple lady really need?
[[Main Character, wearing a bow tie, stands opposite Stephen Hawking who is surrounded by a dark halo of stars.]] Main Character: We're joined by Doctor Stephen Hawking. Stephen Hawking: Hello. Main Character: Indeed. Main Character: Now, Doctor, have you seen a television program called "Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers"? Stephen Hawking: I have. Main Character: And your opinion of the science involved? Stephen Hawking: Beyond my frail criticism.
Main Character: Let's play trains. Off-panel: Okay. Main Character: Great! [[Main Character runs around in circles.]] Main Character: Choo! Choo! Choo! [[Main Character continues to run around in circles.]] Main Character: Okay, you're the emperor!
[[Main Character holds a bar in his hand.]] Main Character: Check out this wizard's staff I found in the woods. Off-panel: That's just some old rusted re-bar. [[Main Character stands holding the rebar above his head with both hands opposite a child who is playing with a jump rope <<wap wap wap wap>>]] [[Main Character stands silhouetted on top of a building holding the rebar above his head.]]
Main Character: I know this guy-- when he sneezes it sounds like a puppy dying. Off-panel: That's amazing. Main Character: I think it's maybe because he's really allergic to dogs. Main Character: I took him to a pet store once--you can imagine how well that went. Little kids crying just everywhere. Off-panel: Why did you take him there? Main Character: I just wasn't thinking I guess.
[[Main Character holds his fists out.]] Main Character: Check it out--I got my knuckles tattooed! [[A large arrow points to the knuckles. Above it, it says 'MOTH BALLZ'.]] Main Character: The "Z" had to go on the size of my hand. MOTH BALLZ! [[Main Character runs with his knuckles extended outward in front of him.]]
[[A silhouette of large power lines over a field with a large clouds behind them.]] Main Character: I used to look up at powerlines and think they were hollow, like pipes, with electricity moving through them--like an actual substance. Off-panel: What was it like? [[Main Character looks up.]] Main Character: It was like spaghetti, but wicked hot--much hotter than regular spaghetti out of a regular pot. Main Character: And it doesn't help that sub-stations look like stacks of colanders and sausage grinders.
((This comic is set against a cloudscape background with several birds in a flying "V".)) Main Character: I've started production on a new kids' TV program--"Conjugation Nation." [[Main Character stands opposite a child.]] Main Character: Meet Ivan the Irregular Verb. Ivan: I'm regular in my own way. [[Main Character and Ivan look up at a dinosaur coming their way.]] Main Character: And here comes conjugation Rex! Conjugation Rex: RRRR!!
[[Main Character, off in the distance, soars above a rocky mountain.]]
((The panels are sort of scattered in no particular order in this one.)) [[Main Character has a bow in his hand and a feather in his cap.]] Main Character: Wow, twelfth century Nottingham! [[Several people sit beside a camp fire, including Main Character.]] [[Main Character makes his way through the brush.]] [[An arrow splits several arrows that have already hit the bull's eye of a target.]] [[Main Character stands opposite a burly fellow.]] Little John: People call me Little John. Main Character: That's ridiculous-- look how big you are. [[Little John and Main Character stand opposite a poor-looking fellow with his hands in his pockets.]] Little John: This guy's poor--we're not supposed to take his stuff. Main Character: Whatever. [[A distance castle.]] Main Character: Time for some anglo-sexin'!
((This one's background is a star-scape.)) [[Main Character floats opposite Björk.]] Main Character: Hey ba-jork. Bjork: It's Bjork. [[Main Character and Bjork fly off in space!]] Cosmic Odyssey with Bjork! Bjork: Oh no, that comet is about to crash into a planet inhabited by peace-loving slugs! Main Character: We'd better stop it. Bjork: Leave that to me. [[A stream of light and music notes screams from Bjork's entire body.]] [[A sign with an arrow pointing at the comet trail missing the planet says 'Narrow Miss!']] Main Character: What the joopy-goop is that? Bjork: Your shoe lace is untied. Main Character: Oh, I'll just-- Main Character: Why you gotta be such a ba-jerk?
[[Main Character stands next to a clock on an end table.]] Off-panel: Your clock stopped. Main Character: Well you know what they say--even a stopped clock is right twice a day. Off-panel: But this one says it's 13:72. Main Character: Yeah--time to watch the enormous man-of-wars drift by. [[Three really gigantic Man-o-war jellyfish float past in a pasture.]]
[[Main Character stands behind a counter which has a boiling pot on it.]] Off-panel: Making beef stew? Main Character: You bet--just the thing for this chilly weather. Main Character: Hand me that bay leaf, will you? Off-panel: This is one of those pine tree air fresheners. Main Character: Whatever--just hand it over. Off-panel: But it says "new car smell." Main Character: Just hand it over. [[Main Character holds the air freshener.]] [[Main Character begins taking the air freshener out of the bag.]] Off-panel: You're only supposed to pull it out of the bag a little at first. Main Character: Oh yeah. [[Main Character watches the pot boil.]] Main Character: Mmm--beef stew! [[Leaves fall off trees.]] [[The moon illuminates some clouds crossing in front of it.]] [[A hill with two distance birds flying in the clouds.]] [[A bird perches on the end of a branch.]] [[A black sun sinks below the horizon.]]
[[Main Character stands opposite Fred Durst.]] Main Character: Fred Durst? Well you can go to hell. Main Character: I can't even begin to explain to you how shitty your music is, Fred. You're the Mussolini of rock music. Main Character: God, just get out of my sight, Fred Durst. The smell of you is giving me a headache. [[Main Character walks off and Fred Durst looks dejected.]] [[Main Character walks toward a single, leafless tree in a field with a guitar.]] [[Main Character kneels beside the tree's trunk.]] [[Main Character plugs his guitar into the tree.]] [[Lines of motion and rock radiate outward from the tree.]]
[[Main Character walks through the forest, spitting.]] [[Main Character looks up at some branches.]] [[Main Character sits on a low branch and spits.]] [[Main Character walks through a field of reeds and spits, the wind bending his spit back around behind him.]] [[Main Character looks up at some branches.]] Main Character: Sunflower seeds are great--all that awkward chewing--and spitting! [[Main Character examines bag of sunflower seeds.]] Main Character: Hmm... "handled by a guy who might be nuts." Elsewhere... [[A skinny man with a hat with a star with a smiley face on a spring works at a conveyor belt of seeds.]]
[[Main Character walks along a fence.]] [[Main Character walks next to a stone wall with a giant tree trunk behind it.]] Main Character: We're definitely due for a paradiggim shift. Off-panel: That's "paradigm". Main Character: Can you para-dig it?
[[A pulled-back view of a cloudy sky and a silhouette of treetops.]] [[A road runs through the country at night. Half of the sky is clear and starry, and the other has large, billowing clouds.]] [[Main Character stares up at the sky.]] Main Character: Such a cold morning! Everything--the sky, the town, everything--has a feeling of low tide! [[Main Character stands opposite a fancy-looking fellow with a cane and a kite.]] Main Character: Hello Mr. Bartlett! Out for a morning stroll? Mr. Bartlett: I'm going to fly this kite to heaven. Main Character: Why's that? Mr. Bartlett: 'Cause I'm dying' too slow! [[Mr. Bartlett is lifted off the ground by the kite. His cane falls to the ground.]] Mr. Bartlett: Hoe boy... [[A tangle of reeds with a pall of darkness settling over it.]]
I Off-panel: Hey, do we have any nail polish remover? Other Off-panel: I think we're out. Other Off-panel: ...Wait, have you been gluing things again? Off-panel: No. Off-panel: Yes. [[Main Character stands with a teddy bear or possibly koala glued to his head.]] [[Three versions of Main Character variously sit and climb a large tree.]]
Buttercup Festival Presents the lecherous naval aviator [[A bunch of missiles and planes fly through the clouds behind the title text.]] [[Main Character has aviator glasses on.]] Main Character: I'd like to fly under her radar. Main Character: I'd like to refuel her mid-flight. Main Character: I'd like to request her for a fly-by. Main Character: I'd like to fusil her lodge. Buttercup Festival Presents Al the lecherous computer scientist Al: I'd like to al her go-rhythm. [[A large field or possibly sea against a tree line.]]
((This one is done on orange paper.)) Main Character: Hey Rodney the Second-grade T-ball Jockey, what did you dress up as for Halloween? Rodney: I don't dress up for Halloween. Main Character: Really, why not? Rodney: I wanted to once--I spent all day on a smoky the bear costume. But when my dad saw me he said I wasn't going anywhere. And then he gave me something. Main Character: What? [[Rodney stands backlit looking at a t-ball bat.]] Rodney: He gave me... he gave me a t-ball bat.
[[Main Character stands opposite Rodney the Second-grade T-ball Jockey.]] Main Character: Hey Rodney the Second-grade T-ball Jockey, did you hear about the Red Sox? Rodney: The Red Sucks, more like. Main Character: Oh come on--the first world series victory in 86 years--that's awesome. Rodney: So's your mom. Rodney: You're looking at the world series of T-ball champion right here.
((The title text is written in a Gothic font on a light purple water colored background. The "III" has leaves sticking off it.)) Buttercup Festival Halloween Special III
((This one is written on top of a very light purple water color background. All the text is written on yellow paper that is placed on top of the drawing.)) [[Main Character walks through the forest, next to a giant tree trunk.]] I can't recall why I decided to stray into this dark and gloomy forest--this tenebrous tangle of withered vines and ancient trees sloughing off their bark... But I'm starting to regret it.
((This one is written on top of a very light purple water color background.)) [[Main Character walks through a depression with trees growing on either side of it.]]
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((This one is written on top of a very light purple water color background. All the text is written on yellow paper that is placed on top of the drawing.)) [[Main Character stands opposite an old man with a cane and a lantern.]] Main Character: Wait, you're not--you're just a guy. Old Man: Hey, sonny! Main Character: Hey. Old Man: Hehh--heeeeey!! Main Character: Yeah, okay, hi.
((This one is written on top of a very light purple water color background.)) THE END [[the moon in a crescent hangs in the sky above an endless sea of treetops. It sits adjacent to a band of stars.]]
[[Main Character walks on a forest path in a dense tangle of branches.]] [[A pulled-back view of a mountain covered in trees below a cloudy sky.]] [[A snow begins to fall.]] [[The snow begins in earnest.]] [[Snow falls in fluffy torrents.]] [[A tree trunk with four butterflies around it against a divided sky. On one side is white, the other side black, and in the middle cross-hatching.]] [[Main Character stares up at a sky filled with stars.]]
[[Main Character stirs a pot.]] Main Character: Domo arigato, Mr. Risotto Off-panel: Will you just shut up for once and stir the damn risotto?! [[Main Character stirs.]] [[Main Character stirs.]] [[Main Character stirs.]] [[Main Character speaks quietly.]] Main Character: Domo arigato, Mr. Risotto
[[Main Character stands far away from a ruin of pillars.]] Main Character: A classical ruin! [[Main Character stands in a field with pigs, crows, a cat, and a cow. Complicated musical notes emit from the cow.]] Main Character: A classical mooin'!'
[[Main Character sits in a field reeds.]] Remembering Nick.
Off-panel: I love German industrial folk-rock. Main Character: So do I. Off-panel: Yeah? Who's your favorite German industrial folk-rock band? Main Character: Taterscoopin. [[Main Character holds up a box that says "Taterscoopin" on it and has a picture of a spoon scooping some mashed potatoes.]]
Main Character: I've been sort of strapped for cash recently, so I'm doing some temp work down at the animal labs. Off-panel: Are you filing or something? Main Character: No--they got me mopping up the cats. Main Character: The worst part is the meowing when I use the mop bucket squeezy thing.
Main Character: You know what I figured out today? If you take something and change its name, you can sell it and its perfectly legal. Off-panel: I'm not sure about that. Advertisement introducing the go Nowhere Sky Machine [[There is a sky exercise machine.]] [[Main Character has headband on.]] Main Character: Do you like skiing? And going nowhere? Buy the go nowhere ski machine!
[[Main Character holds a bucket with flies buzzing over it.]] Main Character: Welcome back to the chumkateers! Hey look--chum! [[Main Character looks off-panel.]] Main Character: Man, who turned the heat up?
[[Main Character is at the video store.]] Main Character: Wow, check out all these old straight-to-video "Ernest" movies. [[Main Character examines a box.]] Main Character: "Ernest Goes to Byzantium" [[Main Character examines a box.]] Main Character: "Ernest Goes to Cumby's for Beer" [[Main Character examines a box.]] Main Character: "Ernest Goes to the Doctor Because He Thinks He Has Chlamydia."
The Region November by Wallace Stevens It is hard to hear the north wind again, and to watch the treetops, as they sway. They sway, deeply and loudly, in an effort, so much less than feeling, so much less than speech, saying and saying, the way things say on the level of that which is not yet knowledge: a revelation not yet intended. It is like a critic of God, the world and human nature, pensively seated on the waste throne of his own wilderness. Deeplier, deeplier, loudlier, loudlier, the trees are swaying, swaying, swaying. [[Bare trees in a forest.]]
Main Character: Do you like my bowtie? Off-panel: Yeah. Main Character: Great. Main Character: --'Cause I've got a date tonight. Off-panel: Really? With whom? Main Character: Destiny. Off-panel: Is that cologne you're wearing? Main Character: It's furniture polish. [[Main Character stands on high stilts offering a bouquet of flowers to the night sky.]]
[[Main Character reads an album cover.]] Main Character: I'm really into this new band, Vanilla Austria, except they do that annoying thing where their songs all have names with parentheses. 1. Baby You rock My Socks Off (And Then the Rest of What I'm Wearing) 2. Your Lipstick (Makes You Attractive) 3. I Wanna (Wanna Wanna Go 2 TGI Friday's) 4. Instrumental (No Words) 5. Instrumental #2 (A Few Words) Main Character: Anyway, I'm going to go listen to it with my new headphones. Off-panel: That looks like two Dixie cups and a coat hanger. [[Main Character looks dejected.]] [[Main Character sits in a tree with his headphones on. The tree is shedding leaves prodigiously.]]
((This one is just a scan of a notebook with words in it. It is very hard to make out.)) oh hey, here comes T.S. Eliot April is the cruelest month... shut up--just shut up. That was some party last night. I danced so hard I wore hole in my socks. I danced so hard I wore my feet off.
((Main Character is completely in white in this one.)) Off-panel: Shake that fine behind! [[Main Character crouches over and shakes his behind.]] Off-panel: Shake that fine behind! [[Main Character crouches over and shakes his behind.]] [[A silhouette of a police officer appears.]] Officer: I'm sorry, sir. I have to fine your behind. [[Main Character shakes his fine behind at the officer.]] Officer: No, sir, I said that I have to fine that behind. [[Main Character just stands there.]] [[Officer walks away and Main Character examines a ticket he was given.]] Off-panel: Shake that fine behind! [[Main Character continues examining the ticket.]]
[[Main Character digs a hole with a shovel.]] Main Character: Phew! Off-panel: What are you doing? Main Character: I'm digging my own grave. [[Main Character continues digging.]] Main Character: Finished! Off-panel: It's awfully small. Main Character: It's for my inner child. [[Main Character stares at the hole.]] [[Main Character stares at the sky.]] [[Main Character flies high above a coastline.]]