Favorites
sext: i am become wet
"hello 911 I need a moat dug around my house immediately" "sir this line is for emergencies only" "Thuis is an emergency moat"
I have Luke-warm feelings on cutting open tauntauns in order to survive
Episode 112 "Doug's Big Break" - Doug gets diarrhea so bad they put him on the news
a mystery at the carnival! we're so lucky
focus Mulder
I am focused
a man died here today
that just breaks my heart
I'll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like "Damn, that name's way cooler."
JAMES BOND: I call my dandruff "hair boogers." [puts a Twizzler from his breast pocket into his martini, slurps at it noisily like a straw]
my head is stuck in a honey jar, my body is stuck in a waterslide tube and my foot is stuck in a bear trap, and yet ive never felt more free
in morse code, evrey lighthouse is saying "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
just a reminder that clippers owner donald sterling has the funniest deposition in the history of law: pic.twitter.com/2RNqx3wY2k
Say what you will about hot air balloons, but they're still your best bet if you feel like flying somewhere in a wicker basket
"I Was Scared I Had Too Many Dogs. Then I Counted, And It Was Just One": How One Woman Used Math To Relax
Facebook bought Oculus VR and /r/dogecoin sponsored a Nascar driver today. Is there another dystopia I can opt into instead.
Posting a picture of your pet online is as appreciated as yelling IKEA desk assembly directions at a pack of dogs.
I'm getting suspicious that all this "sitting is bad for you" research is being funded by the ass lobby.
None of these karaoke places have The Shining book on tape
'ULTIMATE frisbee' is a deceptivley badass name for somthing that can be described as "its like frisbee, but with rules"
I refuse to think any words that aren't "olympic gold medal in skeleton"
i have caused hundreds of deaths by shouting 'surfs up' in times when it was not
I tried the neti pot. But I'm still not clear on how the water goes from my butt to my nose.
If Edward Snowden wins the Nobel Peace Prize, will it be the first time a NPP winner is openly hunting down another NPP winner?
Please do not compare Beanie Babies to bitcoin. Bitcoin is a medium of exchange. Beanie Babies was a toy that for some reason people valued
WARNING: if you swallow a tiny animal, DO NOT continue swallowing larger and larger animals to catch the smaller ones or YOU WILL DIE
nobody has earnestly called a donkey an "ass" since the bible was written. stop fucking up my clipart searches with this nonesnse
His kiss was slow, but firm and unyielding like an old man backing his Lincoln Town Car over a handicapped parking sign.
gaining 600 lbs go make it impossible for the mechanical bull under me to buck, as my father and his father before me did.
First off, I did not "fill" your car with snakes. There were six in there.
try { (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ } catch() { ┬─┬ ノ( ゜-゜ノ) }
The slow motion scene where the person walks away from an explosion but it's me walking away from self checkout without needing assistance.
my credit rating is *it is a toilet in a landfill. the toilet contains: a seagull, choking on a condom*
(•_•) <) )╯I've actually / \ \(•_•) ( (> Read / \ (•_•) <) )> Infinite Jest / \
Yelling "Freebird" into a conch shell
4-year-old came up to me last night to tell a secret. He whispered "I can lift this house." I ran, terrified. Haven't been back home since.
By the time he was my age, Lee Harvey Oswald had already shot a PRESIDENT. i haven't even shot a normal person
Sir, you need to put down the small woman holding the toddler holding the squirrel holding the gun. Ok good. Maam, you need to put down the-
Shit myself on C.Martinet's lap. Voice of Mario. He was surprisingly chill. Too embarrassed to apologize so I bought Mario Golf a week later
The best way to name a band? Open a dictionary to a random page and expand your vocabulary so you can get a decent corporate job.
In case you like finding dioramas hiding inside holes of old trees.... and you happen to be near Berkeley... see map! pic.twitter.com/UNPer2vsrC
Someone who has never even SEEN a saxophone can play one flawlessly in the rain outside an ex's wedding.
most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Friend: Ghosts don't exist Me: Yes they do Friend *Does jerk off motion* Me: I wouldn't do th *Friend is blasted by ghost jizz* Me: Told ya
"The Rocky Horror Muppet Show." Give me millions of dollars now please.
how to know if the two of you are in love: kiss opposite sides of a boombox and if it starts playing la bamba it is true
Scientists announce brontosaurus "may have whirled its head around like a helicopter to fly around." Scientists kinda smell like cheap booze
SEXY TIP: put a stick pretzel in your mouth, wink at your boo. Swish cheeks around. Pull out regular pretzel you hid in there previously.
I hate guys who are like “Women don’t poop!” Women totally poop. It’s normal/healthy. All they do is poop. Name a woman: she is pooping.
Wu-Tang Clan: are they something your child could be fucking with? Find out how to protect your neck and your family's neck tonight at 11
the first guy to ever throw up was probably pretty surprised
for every child you don't circumcise i am going to circumcise myself 3 times
I invented the long-on-one-side hairstyle by insisting my stylist cut around the parrot.
the rise of the selfy says exactly 1 thing about modern society: people got more cameras
i would like to address the rumors goin around that i was spotted jackin it @ a screening of Gravity - it is true and this is not an apology
how u feel spendin all your money at engineerin school while beavers is buildin dams day one like "fuck a diploma homie"
crime tip: secretley grease a cop's butt befor a car chase so when he slides acros the hood he'll slip off & keep on slidimg down the street
I have rugged intestines. Considering all the abuse, I'm just saying, there's gotta be a Cormac McCarthy novel transpiring down there.
your search "i was readin bout caves now it feel like i got the flu. did caves do this? how powerful are caves?" returned no results
I approach. "Girl are you a couch? Cuz I'm gonna try & fail to pick you up." She laughs. "I'm Jen." My training hasn't prepared me for this.
girl if i could re-arange the alphabet, i'd put M, O, and S after the C, so if anyone asks me if i kno the alphabet, i can say: ABC? MOS DEF
I want a Chrome extension that's like Dictionary of Numbers but it tells you whether or not a number is numberwang.
gardens are insane. "Oh that's just my box of dirt that pushes food at me very slowly."
"What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?" - my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
you seek out the oracle to answer your pressing question. the ancient woman opens her mouth to greet you: "Hello and welcome to movie crone"
In a bear attack, hold your hands up and approach calmly. Palm strike to the sternum. You're attacking a bear now.
Just asked Siri "surely it's not going to rain today". Siri said "it is and don't call me Surely". Forgot to take phone off Airplane mode
"I wrote a poem," he threatened
*pretends to throw ball* *dog runs to chase it* Ha, stupid dog. *dog keeps running, disappears over horizon* Um *dog tackles me from behind*
If the controls stop working and sonic refuses to run please do not send a bug report. This is not a glitch. He's thinking about vietnam.
IM WRITING A LOVE POEM IT BEGINS: YOUR MOUTH...IS LIKE A VERY SPECIAL BUTT
sext: 2 in the pink, 1 suddenly missing
is there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat
the boss hands me a gun, "you know what to do." I nod. outside, I frantically google: boss gun why how to kill is killing ok regift gun ok
Buzzfeed's Top 18 Most YOLO Uses of Chemical Weapons
Steakback Outhouse #BadStripClubNames
Help! I accidentally turned on erotocorrect and I dong know whore to get it off in the sextings
Introduction to Floating
WWII was just all the people w/ time machines who went back in time to kill hitler fighting the time travelers who wanted to protect hitler
#sadgooglesearches friend zone wi-fi password
Do people who want one even know who they would celebrate for white history month Who do you celebrate for advancing the white cause
Wanna feel old? This morning was 2 years ago.
I want a lady in the streets and a lady in the sheets and 2 ladies flanking the east tower. Hold for my signal. We're gonna get that bastard
lol what the fuck are all these books? "Keith, this is the library, man" oh.. *whispers* what the fuck are all these books?
The purest thing you can do in this life is build a table with your own two hands and suplex your father through it.
It's fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car's side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
"E. coli fears prompt ground beef recall" is probably true either way you parse it.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won't find them.
Stacy Ferguson is changing her name to Fergie Duhamel since that’s what people call her. Guess I'll have to go by PlasticFace McBitchMouth.
the whole neigjborhood is outside in the street crazy yelling because guy across the street managed to flush a basketball down the toilet.
sext: i vanish like a cheshire cat leaving only my smiling lips wrapped around ur dick
Jay-Z gets suspicious when he sees Kanye talking to Beyoncé, but it turns out he was just asking her how to get an é at the end of his name.
Did you know that a recent study showed that everyone is
Nurse, bring me 50 cc's! I need to write "hiccup vaccine" 25 times.
SEXT: we are 2 humans. we are 2 regular humans having a sex together. i love ur human arms and organs. ur skeleton provides internal support
So sick of the stereotype that Millennials want everything handed to us on a silver platter… that's so slow and annoying, just text it, geez
I was just Googling to see if any Disney Channel kid stars could've been conceived on 9/11. RT @aloparo Whatever happened to Ken Jennings?
i want that shitty jerk paper clip tattooed on my ass saying "looks like you're trying to fuck me"
Predictive keyboards hate having to grapple with the grapless lexical shitloops through which I drive my wordtrains.
Girl are you Henri Matisse? Cause I don't like your late period
Eduardo thrust his grotesque swollen member into Esmerelda's hot soggy she-hole. "oh baby" he cooed manly "im so turgid lmao"
I have been dumped by two kids wearing a trench coat on MULTIPLE occasions.
a goose is just basically a clarinet full of rage and ambition
i made a graph of the reasons i've been dumped in the past. this is the ex-axis and this is the why-axis
in a pinch,you can use the net inside swim trunks for a bball net.
*whistles* Hey, boy! Got any mustard to go with that sausage? Show us your balls! Get your ass in that garage and build me a deck
*Man walks into a bar covered in kiss marks* haha yeah well you should see the other guy
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
I don't like all these casual "I love yous" on the Internet. "I love you" is something for your dad to imply on his deathbed
when ppl mop grease off their pizza with a napkin i like to pick it up & ring it out onto my slice idk its just a power thing i guess
Five o' clock, boys. *pulls ripcord, jettisoning sleeves from shirt*
Pick up artists and garbage men should switch names.
I like to go to the aquarium and press a picture of my tan corvette against the big tank and tell the sharks to suck my dick.
do NOT yell "fuck you geese" at a bunch of geese. pick out a single goose, approach it and whisper "fuck you goose" into its goose holes.
Yo kids *turns cap backwards* let's 'take 5' *sits backwards on chair* let's talk about puberty *rolls backwards into the sea*
Millions of people don't want to acknowledge the truth, BUT. Drew Carey is the one man on this planet who looks the most like a totoro
sext: u delve too greedily and too deep
A Ferengi attracts the Borg towards a colony he wants to loot. Riker's replicator catchphrase, "Steak, for mouth, hot," needs work.
We just received a DM that just said "Wanna fuck?" and then a link. We cannot fuck anybody. We are a coffee shop.
World War 1 and 2 wouldn't have been so dangerous if everybody wasn't black and white and moving real fast.
if you catch your kid masturbating, close your eyes immediately then walk backwards out of the room while giving em 2 thumbs up
sing me to poop / sing me to poop / i'm tired, and i / i want to take a dump
People want a dance that makes them feel safe. They'll do anything for it, even leave their friends behind.
We can *pretend* we hate racism all we want, but without it we’d never have seen the Fox headline: “HIP HOP BARBECUE FAILS TO CREATE JOBS.”
I want to be wealthy enough that my gf can spin a globe and wherever her finger touches, that's the part of Middle Earth I tell her about.
sext: u wont stop dispensing gumballs
Hey Chuck! Chuck!! It's Marvin! Your cousin, Marvin BERRY? You know that new Twitter post length limit you've been wondering about? Well lis
wow it has been 10 years since the day marty traveled to in back to the future pic.twitter.com/xBVUeWRDqY
here’s how I’d express the Unix Philosophy. Sadly
The 1st rule of Spider Club is stop screaming.
as a kid u could get excited by small stuff: findin a body, pokin it w/ stick. now u gotta poke 10 bodies w/ 12 sticks just to feel anythin
"Ten years ago, we had no Jobs, no Hope, and no Cash!" --cemeteries
oh fuck oh FUCK i just stole a pie off a windowsill what the FUCK do i do now
people that are like "wow they must have been on DRUGS when they wrote this" probably don't take drugs and probably don't write
my youtube account "ThePepsiEunich" has earned me $48 in ad revenue throughout 2010-2012. id rather die than let the GOVT take a cent of it.
YO EARTHLINGS - UM I MEAN "DUDES" I SHARE UR HOBBIES. THE BEST POKEY MAN IS THE PEEKABOO. WHAT ARE UR FAV WEAK POINTS IN PLANETARY DEFENSE
sext: im hot and blonde and my legs go on forever long after the rest of me has crumbled to dust
She found a SNACK MACHINE behind the DAIRY QUEEN / She was the BEST SNACK FINDER that I've EVER SEEN
Hey girl.. you ready to [loudly toward the door] TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL *roommate sends in R/C truck with a bunch of condoms taped to it*
There's nothing in the rulebook that says a dog can't play baseball. There's nothing in the rulebook at all. We are free.
rappers wouldn't seem so hard if they had to say glockenspiel instead of shortening it for all their songs
"can i smoke in here?" "sure go ahead sir" "thanks" *lights scented candle* "can i scatter rose petals in here?" "erm- "can i dim the lights
I sold my soul to the Devil to license his soul-buying power. Then I bought a soul. So I've already broken even, but if you fund this Kickst
For a good pornstar name take your mum's first name and her second name and put em together
.jpg)
BREAKING: 30 people feared soothed in Yankee Candle fire.
"daddy where do babies come from" "we just don't know, sweetie...*peers through blinds, the sky is dark with babies* "...we just don't know"
HWeird, the 'E' key on my keyboard types out this message when I press ity, what's up?
Ayn Rand's favorite stuffed animal growing up was an eight foot beam of steel.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
@Glench if someone started traveling toward the sun at highway speed 30 years before the Civil War, they would just be arriving this year
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
*blocks kick from henchman* "nice try scumbag" *ducks kiss from girl* "not in this life bub" *hangs up on calling mom* "too slow dirtball"
Give your friends and family members big hugs without having to worry about horrible armpit
don't even bother making a mistake if it warrants an "oops" with fewer than seven o's
you don't know what the "it" in "it's snowing" is but it knows you
the motion sensor light in this room refuses to acknowledge my presence and I don't disagree with it
The only people everyone on Earth feels basically positive about are Mr. Rogers and Strong Bad.
infomercials. edutainment. I need a stylish portmanteau for the way I am going to hurt you with information
moved in with my dad /// should I just tweet everything he says /// "people will tell you you don't deserve a warm butt but you do...you do"
"France is at war? Did they surrender yet?" he said of the nation ringed by a continent-spanning carpet of corpses laid down by Napoleon.
Whenever I'm in a bucket brigade I pass marshmallows, then Hershey's bars, then graham crackers, then myself down the line.
is Reading The Entire Friend Zone Wikipedia Article Without Miming Jacking Off a sport
the national anthem should just be everyone screaming
cornell cried when he heard the demo. "I never really thought about the story...from the black hole sun's side" he said through tears
sext: hey baby, wanna come back to my place and help me destroy the marble chess set in the basement before the queen makes it to the stairs
GOT YR GIRL TIP-TOEING ON MY MARBLE FLOORS (SHE HAS TO TIPTOE CAUSE OTHERWISE SHE'D TRIP ON ALL THE MARBLES)
Sometimes I pull over for a hitchhiker & when they remove all the fast food wrappers & coke cans from my passenger seat I drive away.
What’s all the fuss about the N-word in Django Unchained? Bilbo says it like 40 times in the first scene of The Hobbit.
you in a motorcycle sidecar hooked up to me in a motorcycle sidecar and we're sitting there in the driveway looking sad
Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret. I know you're listening. Are you scared, God? Are you? You should be. Ｍａｒｇａｒｅｔ ｉｓ ｃｏｍｉｎｇ ｆｏｒ ｙｏｕ.
my favorite thing I saw this year was a beautiful dude in hot pants roller dancing around the only fountain in the world dedicated to satan
#TerrifyingIfLiteralButLessTerrifyingThanTheActualThingItRefersTo "Nuclear football"
whats the definition of a will? (lol come on guys its a dead giveaway)
we are on a date, while walking we come to a large mud puddle. being a gentleman, I lay down a less-attractive girl for you to walk across
SCENE I: i die instantly. next 4 scenes audience stares at my corpse until by the final act they can no longer breathe from laughing
probly the funniest thing ive ever done is try to hurl a half-eaten banana as hard as i could out my car window but the window was rolled up
Actual thing I heard an NPR anchor say this week: "But the Senator is far from a lame duck. He's a POWERFUL duck."
I wear tearaway street clothes over a tearaway tux over normal street clothes. "Join me for-" ::rip:: "-dinner?" [silence] "No? Ok." ::rip::
LOOKING UP HOPSCOTCH ON WIKIPEDIA LOOKING UP CHILDHOOD ON WIKIPEDIA LOOKING UP SOBBING ON WIKIPEDIA LOOKING UP TIME TRAVEL ON WIKIPEDIA
"How many teeth are in the human mouth? Might as well ask how many stars are in the sky. 1000?" - terrible dentist
vin diesel very carefully and tenderly buckling a bag of wrenches into a child's car seat #VinDieselSunday
parents just reaming ms frizzle out at a pta meeting. "you took our kids to god damn outer space. we didnt even have to sign a form"
' Śtiḷl tr̾ͪ̀́͘y̶̧̨̱̹̭ͧinǥ to ġęt ᵺê han͛ͪ̈g of twe͖͉̩̟͛͆̾ͫ̑͆̍ͫͥͨḙͯ̿̔͑̾̾ting wít̨̥̫͎h a ḟo̗uᶇẗaiṋ p҉̯͈͕en. ' .
*jerry seinfeld stroll into office* IS IT ME OR DOES IT SMELL LIKE THEDEALWITHAIRPLANEFOOD IN HERE???
If you can't handle me at my no jobs, no cash, and no hope, you don't deserve me at my Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope.
HOW TO JOG: 1. Put on jogging outfit. 2. Go outside. 3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street. 4. Try to milk that cow.
*races through airport at last second to catch girl before she leaves* *gasps for breath* you forgot your boobs hat *removes bra from head*
Way to Internet
Bucket list: give head while wearing the glasses w/ the googley eyes on springs, keep apologizing and putting them back in as they fall out.
Sext: My dick isn't small, it's just ... Far Away
Of the four dimensions I could've spent my life being pushed inexorably forward through, I guess "time" isn't the worst.
For the man of discriminating taste, miscegenate separate but equal parts Jim Beam and Old Crow to make a Jim Crow
Amazing to think that even the tightest, most diligently kegeled vagina is home to 12-15 spiders at all times.
Becoming a bounty hunter is not easy but I am here
Dogs have the best of both worlds. They don't know they're going to die, but they still get to.
Take me down to paradise city/where winding, empty catacombs riddle the jagged cliffs/and the girls are pretty.
"hey think fast dickhead" i toss a cup of eggnog to you, and you catch it. "too slow..." it's january. the eggnog is gone.
18-year-old girls who think it's erotic and funny to sit on Santa's lap at the mall: the joke is on you.
Nicholas Negroponte Demonstrates A Wifi Diaper For The Third World
If you were an ant who lived in a bowling alley, you'd think all humans wear the same shoes. But man oh MAN, would you be wrong.
I'll never forget the day that old gunslinger came into town. Just throwin' guns all over the place. That was a weird day.
Loose bones? Blood everywhere? Organs getting away from you? Try skin!
GOP announces that americas economy definitely in a "fucked up butt mess", despite claims from leading economists that "theres no butt mess"
sext: ur genitalia panic and scatter
Fire Proof Your Butt and Always-ALWAYS
#MINNESOTA: You can *REGISTER AND* vote today & stand with your gay brothers & sisters & attend HOT GAY WEDDINGS FOREVER! RT!
writing OBAMA & ROMNEY on each of my asscheeks, buying a G string, walking thru Bass Pro Shop, & whichever asscheek is the slappedest wins
(A MOUNTAIN WHERE WILL-O-THE-WISP-CON IS HELD)
Quick Q for the ladies: why am i screaming
reminder that you can have as many spirit animals as your spirit pockets can hold. NOW RUN!
Sometimes at the beach it's like "gross, is that a condom?" Yes. And it's staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
a birthday party magician tries to hang himself but the handkerchief just keeps getting longer.
DRAG AN ACOUSTIC GUITAR BEHIND YOUR CAR FOR 5 MILES, PICK IT UP AND PLAY. THAT IS MY TUNING.
RUN YOUR TURNTABLE STYLUS ACROSS THE LARGEST KNIFE IN YOUR HOUSE. THAT IS MY JAM.
LEAVE A VHS TAPE ON YOUR DASHBOARD FOR ONE YEAR, PRESS PLAY. I AM THE AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR MELTING AND GURGLING INTO FILTHY STATIC.
That's funny...I don't remember eating any blood...
I have a big headache this morning last night i went to a night club and got a disco ball fell on my head
Everybody get your hurricane jokes out TODAY while it's just killing Haitians and not white people yet
cool race car bed, kid. maybe someday u can be like me and sleep in a real car
The National Hurricane Center issues a Hurricane Witch. They immediately notice the typo, but she's already vanished cackling into the sky.
I am the Money King - And the good news is that I AM A MILLIONAIRE
love is amazing because it's the only thing a random collection of molecules ever got right
son, quit banging your head on things, it doesn't help anything, here I'll show you *bangs own head* wow that's awesome thanks kid you rule
Why do some people get pain in their ears in an aircraft? How do we hear? Is there a Hammer in our body? Taste
why did people stop using hot water bottles? it's like going to bed with a very warm pig
TALL TALL TALL TALL TALL TALL TALL TALL TALL TALL TALL TALL TALL OOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY LL
when jesus comes back he'll be like "um why did you put the thing they nailed me to everywhere. it's my least favorite thing. like, ever"
It's so awkward when I forget someone's name and just call them whatever brand of yogurt I can think of first.
one of my favorite things about twitter is how supportive people are of creatively worded self loathing
Romney whistles cheerfully as he irons a shirt. The iron is cold. "Good debate, Mitt." he says to the empty hotel room. "So proud of you."
Obama sits in silence on the darkened stage, patiently awaiting the next question.
When there were 8 sets of footprints, I turned in2 the GLOBETROTTERS but u were FORNICATING and MISSED IT which is WHY I SAID NOT TO DO THAT
date of birth: [a distant point in aeons past and future] sex: [an indeterminable spectral ether] name: yes please!!!
PLAN YR WEDDING IN HISTORIC NEW ENGLAND. FIND OUT-OF-THE-WAY CHURCHES WITH FORGOTTEN ATTICS. DISCOVER BEAUTIFUL GOWNS IN THE LARGEST TRUNKS.
The day the twee girl/Amelie/Zoe Deschanel/Pomplamoose aesthetic finally completes its ukulele death knell, I'll cry real tears of joy.
THROW YA HANDS UP IN THE AIR AND DANCE LIKE YA JUST DON'T CARE THAT YOUR HANDS SOMEHOW DETACHED AND ARE NOW AIRBORNE AND BLOOD'S EVERYWHERE
I tell the ladies the oxygen tank is for shark diving, and DEFINITELY NOT for relaxing after ballet practice.
damned if i don't love a babe with tanlines around her gasmask area
On the dance floor, lost in the labyrinthine beats. Asked Shakira how to escape. One of her hips lies and the other tells the truth. Help!
"biking is a cool drug that cops can't arrest you for"
Elvis got famous for how he used his pelvis. you'll go far, Enus
My Big Data, Your Fractal Curves: Let's Make Chaos
FACT: Every single one of our aunts has been fingered to Fleetwood Mac.
Houseplants are a double threat
sext: if any of us make it back, tell our story. people have to know. they have to know how fuckin sexy this was
San Marino is the only country that rhymes with a former NFL quarterback's full name
how would u like your steak sir? we've got rare, ultra rare, legendary, fossil, or u can try and catch your own steak in the safari zone
If you enter a stranger's home, always remove your shoes. Then remove their shoes. Hold them down. Take their shoes. Get their shoes off.
sext: hey baby. wanna come back to my place and help me figure out what happened to the floor?
that is IT Johnson! You're off the force. Hand in your badge and gun. and your shirt. and your pants. Ive always loved you Johnson. Kiss me…
The perks of being deflowered at a Walgreens.
my littlest sister (about 5 years old) just said "bugs don't have very long lives" and then followed it up with "i wish i was a bug"
Remember that one scene where Indiana Jones drives a rusty Kia to his sysadmin job at Geico? Yeah me neither. Take off the fedora.
James Cameron: How I Discovered Flirtatious Women At The Bottom Of A Deep Ocean Trench
HOW DID YOU FIND OUR SITE: dug up a skull that screams your URL endlessly. just wondering why u did this to me. how did you do this and why
I before E except after Revelation 6:8 because "I looked, and behold a pale horsie" just doesn't have the same ring to it.
PET PEEVE: When people use the word "clitorally" wrong. Ex: I ate so many ribs I'm going to clitorally explode!" You mean "fingeratively".
It's crazy to think that right now your soulmate is looking up at the same moon as you while feeding rotting meat to a human baby.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists sneak up on Periodic Table, add element of Surprise
When I was a teen we did cigarettes. I don't know what today's teens do. Play video games about cigarettes?
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
It's okay to be erotic as long as you feel a deep sense of shame afterwards and sob uncontrollably
u ever been havin the illest dream ever n u wake up right as its gettin real good and ur like damn i wasnt done smashin Jane Goodall's shit
My life is an erotic tragedy.
*plays it cool* *plays it cool* *leans up against a cool brick building one leg up lookin' cool* *entire building collapses*
#GoodPickupLines Hey baby, you must be tired, because our mortal toil is unceasing.
How erotic is it...that a lot of obese people wear sportswear...
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
RAPPERS NOWDAYS ONLY TALK BOUT HOW MANY XYLOPHONES THEY GOT, HOW MUCH SOUP THEY DRINK & NOT KISSING TILL MARRIAGE. WE OFF THAT.
imagine how often people with an "increasingly louder footsteps" fetish get caught masturbating
Mum just told me I was conceived in a graveyard. Is this kind of erotically nice or just fucking weird?
LEAKED! Clint Eastwood's search history! http://instagr.am/p/O_0hUMSx4X/
Only I would cut my hand on a door as I was erotically calling myself stupid...
1. slip a love note into the pocket of her cardigan 2. lose yr nerve completely 3. push her in the river so it'll all be washed away
wow neil armstrong beat buzz aldrin to something super cool again
if evolution is real then how come the supposedly "more-evolved" life forms have skeletons on the INSIDE ??
If I were an Amish kid on my first day of Rumspringa I'd go buy an electric pencil sharpener, hella pencils and a big bag of meth.
Fun Calendar Idea: Each month has a different pic of people grimacing, waving away a bee.
I want to fight a Turtle. Every time I look at one, it just gets me angry at how dumb looking they are.
Kind of hard to be on time for work when I have to stop at every steaming sewer grate to rip a sax solo.
One cool thing about being in a relationship is that it’s ok to chase your partner around yelling “I AM GOING TO CARAMELIZE YOUR ONION.”
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
#CelebritiesIveBeenToldILookLike That goat leg that hits the windshield in Jurassic Park
A TEXT MESSAGE FROM A LOVED ONE INFORMING YOU THAT "HUMAN IS JUST TUBES OF FOAM AN TROUBLE"
You can tell when you're dreamiⁿg beƈause tєxt is hอᵣd t₀ ᵣeₐd aกd y₀༥ canٖt fཱྀcu༧༦࿐༄
invite friends over - I m hiding
Ladies, here's how to turn a guy down: tell him your phone number is 911, and that your name is "I'm going to blow up a school."
Alphabet sorted by average line altitude: gyqpjuacovxwzsrenmitdbkhlf
[batman slams the joker into a wall] WHERE IS THE UPDOG!!!! [batman punches joker] WHERE IS IT!!! [batman throws joker into table] WHERE IS
1. I suck a cock for $ 2. I buy a Chick-fil-A sandwich 3. Chick-fil-A CEO buys Barbra Streisand CD with my gay $ 4. America is healed
Oh. My. God. Becky. Look. At. The. Sky. That's. Not. Normal. Becky. I'm. scared. Becky. Becky? BECKY? ＢＥＣＫＹ
on December 21,2012 Tim Taylor will bust open the seventh seal with a sledgehammer, and then true Tool Time will begin
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
exes fucking each other like shrapnel trying to rebecome a bomb
Oh. My. God. Becky. Death. Comes. So. Quickly.
*listens patiently while my preschooler explains their fingerpainting* yeeeah i dunno sounds like a buncha bullshit to me
Olympic events they still have: shooting, equestrian, rowing, foie gras-eating, hemophilia-having, croquet, and the decadentathlon
Hey girl Are you on the Inter net because I ...... Website...
.@jennipoos told me a 40-foot Voldemort will fight 30 regular sized Mary Poppins at the Olympic opening ceremonies.
Our dog Mac doesn't even wait for commands now. Hold up a treat and he just motors through every single trick he knows in rapid succession.
Obama sobs as he signs Theres No More Ice Cream Act. "Its really all gone?!" he cries. Biden winks to crowd as he sneaks up w/ giant sundae
shoutout to michelle obama. eyebrow arcs gotchu lookin like tha grinch who stole sexy and kept it all for she fine ass self.
Its gonna take alot to get me out of the house today. Maybe if the Ice Cream truck comes though.
Every woman has her date bra and her fat pants and her crying shirt and her murder wig and her courtroom brooch.
A Mobile Phone Powered By Digesting The Flies It Attracts
hey girl did it hurt when u fell from heaven? got a vulnerable mortal form now? sacrifice dat immortality to be among man? well make it clap
before mcdonald's i bet "don't buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule
Remember—you can't spell "Libertarian" without "the public schools that taught you to spell."
sext: i gently work a second finger inside whatever this is
welcome back to nickelodeon vonneGUTS i'm your host kilgore trout. kids life is absurd and pointless who wants to climb this stupid rock
NEW ON STEAM, THE GAMES YOU VOTED FOR: ZOMBIE BULLSHIT 20, SOMETHING WITH BACON, STEAMPUNK TETRIS
There are people who can vote now who never knew a world without invisible screamgoblins hiding literally everywhere. Makes you think
*Grabs you by the lapels* What ARE these!?
this is bullshit. this is horseshit. this is dogshit.Thank you mom for taking me to the shit museum today. I love you
bad news gang. the gf broke up with me by disconnecting the bolt on her motorcycle sidecar and drifting it down towards a sexy beach party
"Did it hurt?" "What?" "Damn. I guess not." [pause] "Hey, check it out—I think I figured out how to punch someone backward in time!"
Hi, I'm Craig Schindler, inventor of Craigslist.
Our law school sorority's poaching expedition went well. A barely-legal paralegal snared a regal pair of eagles.
We live over an ancient Indian burial ground. Recent Indian burial ground. There's a dead Indian downstairs. A live Indian. A Norwegian guy.
1 2 3 4 I declare a thumb war 5 6 7 8 Fingers we exterminate 9 10 11 12 Digits can't protect themselves 13 14 15 16 Thumb UN won't intervene
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Rule #1 of the successful Pick-Up Artist: this should be a no-brainer, but for gosh sakes fellas check your mouth for milk before u open it
My phone just autocorrected "recursion" to "My phone just autocorrected "recursion" to "My phone just autocorrected "recursion" to "My phone
Humanity's Greatest Achievements Are Driven By Fear Of Mushrooms
The American people don't want partisanship. They want cock. And that's what my campaign is about: values. ...Oh? Then what did I say?
Bruce Schneier Teaches Computer Security To A Tenacious Gecko
why is morning wood a thing why can't i wake up with ambition to be creative & productive? nope here's your dumb dick good luck today idiot
If you only see one mismatched headline and photograph today, make it this one. pic.twitter.com/QdFaEUIb
Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!
The World's Most Compassionate Supercollider
Can We Domesticate Tim Berners-Lee For Science?
For sale: baby shoes (+2 speed)
Weird how often my creative hobbies are criticized as "wastes of time", yet when I watch TV all day nobody cares.
I am a sentence but not a very good one because I'm kind of a run-on and incongruous fragments.
My new jeans are so tight that literally the only comfortable way to stand is by leaning on an '83 Trans Am.
Larry Smith: What I'm Worried About, And Why I'm Rowing Across The Universe
Probably our scariest president was that pyramid with the big eye on top.
I live in constant terror that the other person in the conversation will suddenly ask me what their name is.
we were too poor for Pokemon, so we'd just take our grandfathers to school and make them fight with knives behind the bike sheds
How To Kill Experts And When Not To
Unveiling The Beautiful, Fragile World Of Pillow Fight Club
Women who want men want me. Men want to be me. Men who want men want me. Women who want women want to be me, but a woman.
Second Life, Where You Die
Stay gold, Ponyboy. Please, stay gold. -King Midas, forever silencing his dark secret: his bastard son, the Centaur.
imagine everyone you've ever thought about while you masturbated all in one room, trying to figure out what they have in common
WHY was Mario Kart not called "Mario Speedwagon"
bet the ladies didn't know that in the men's room every urinal has another urinal above it in case u got a buddy on you're shoulders
Not to get all language nerd up in here, but I just legit adverbed "legit", verbed "adverb", and adjectived "language nerd".
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
It's wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
The Art Of Saying "Thank You, Now Die!"
blood in one tupperware, bones in another, hair, bile, brains in others. "what the fuck am I going to make with this bullshit" whispers god
ya, last name spelled: [distant howl] as in far off train, [metallic scraping] as in axe being dragged through quarry, [quiet sobbing] as in
What We Do, And How We Can Avoid It
Al Gore reveals his latest surprising climate discovery: from birth, babies prefer the subtle chemistry of top-shelf gin.
once I saw a fountain turn on while a duck was sitting on it and my grandpa gravely informed me that it would be the best thing I ever see
my OKC answer 4 both "what im doing w/my life" and "the 1st thing ppl notice abt me" is IM LOCKED OUTSIDE PANTOMIMING DOORKNOB USE TO MY CAT
Professor Stephen Hawking fulfills his dream of using sound and song to communicate with whales across hundreds of miles of ocean.
Craig Venter asks. His answer is yes and pretty soon. He walks through fire and falls out of hospitals.
I drive a flashy sports car to overcompensate for my thoughtful, reserved penis.
Give Students Video Lectures To Watch And They Slowly Turn Into Water
Keep talkin' shit, kangaroos. At least I'm not cargo pants with a face.
TUPAC IS DEAD BIGGIE IS DEAD AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
The cyberweapon animals use to make love
this is the wilhelm scream of pits. name any movie with a pit. this was that pit. name any of your family. i've pushed them into this pit.
Why Can't We Wreck The Next Amazing Thing
morning tip: close your sensory holes when moving from sleeping bag to waking bag. do not experience the unbagged void outside the bagwombs.
Why putting on clothes "to get laid" is counterproductive and stupid.
joke: a man walks into a bar and asks for punch "u'll have to wait" says the bartender "theres a line" the man looks around but no punchline
if your literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well, there's the door
Age? No, thanks ;) Sex? Yes, please ;) Location? Yes, please ;) Please, God ;) Let me exist somewhere ;) Anywhere ;) Out of this darkness ;)
iran all the way here to tell u: i saudi joke u made about the middle east. oman, israelly not funny!! u made light of a syrias issue!!!!
A bird just got trapped in our wind chimes and made the next Bon Iver record.
my Fantasy Centipede Team is dominating the league right now w/ 5,000,000 legs grown + 50,000 manifestations out of imagination into reality
#MistakesChristianWomenMake holdin there bible upside down at bible study. droppin their bible cuz its greasy. callin the Bible the Burble
an oscar the grouch in every trashcan doesn't break the canon that there's only one of him, each connects to a central body in the undercity
The next Meat is out there and I will rationally and scientifically apply my Knife to the environment until I find it
i sold all my lizards to buy my girlfriend a Toyota Tundra but she sold her drivers license to buy me a awesome obstacle course for lizards
ahahaha search for "starbugs" and check out at all the idiots misspelling starbuck- huh? look at the sky? oh...... oh............
We Must Win -- The World Needs Darkness
cultures yet to invent dogs still make speculative dog tweets. "they have form," says one. "they are formless," says another. both are wrong
A Super-kite To Defend Earth
TED Prize Wish: Join My Body
Why Nations Should Have A Human Beatbox
Women, Wartime And The Dream Of Flight In A High-tech Wingsuit
The Beautiful Math Class Needs Darkness
The Next Amazing Revolution In Love: Anti-Gravity Swarming Robot Pants
The Anti-gravity Sculpture That's Remaking My Apartment
Are Mushrooms The New Math Education?
2008 TED Prize Wish: Help Stop The Intricate Beauty Of Thought
Evolution's Gift: I Have Too Few Women
TED Prize Wish: Join My Subversive Garden Plot
Don't Eat The Lost Art
one of the last times I got really mad was in a parking lot when a single clown got out of an enormous van
im in total control of my life. alcohol's just my copilot. haha. oh fuck is the mic on. hi im your captain we're over an ocean i think.
I snuck into my roommate's room while he was asleep and hung a tie on the inside doorknob. Now he's trapped.
A transporter error quickly fills the ship with hundreds of excited dogs. Worf calls them "fools" and "disgusting".
The black hole on the coffee table really brings this room together.
But what if you put a DeLorean on a treadmill?
Before Twitter if you had a bunch of shitty ideas you just had to write a Ramones song.
Give me any group of people and I guarantee that I will have them burning
Is there anyone at the Dallas airport who'd like to be my Valentine for about 20 min. in the family restroom in terminal B?
yo momma so fat, we, her chattel, toil in her vast shadow, and die.
*9/11 footage freezes just as 2nd plane is about to hit south tower* now what kinda mess'd them Duke boys get themselves into this time?
Just hired two private detectives to follow each other.
When you hear "I've just gotta clear a few things out of the back seat" you're about to see, at minimum, a decaying raccoon.
Every time a guy talks to me and it's clear he's looking at my boobs, I say "Hey! I'm in here!" and point to a mailbox.
Gingrich claims we'll have a moon base by his 2nd term. Do you know how hard it is to craft a sentence where moon base isn't the crazy part?
Didn't realize this BangBus was being driven by Ms. Frizzle. Currently on dizzying educational voyage through stripper.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, knowledge manifests itself in radiant dreams that shimmer like the wild sun.
A big shoutout to those of you with a solid sense of identity! (You know who you are.)
What if birds are just out of control napkins.
parody twitters of celebs no one recognizes; each making lewd jokes about body parts no one has; each dictated over speakers no one can find
It seems the candidate is now LITERALLY gaining momentum, and may miss the debate entirely if he can't decelerate somehow.
imagine Ron Paul encountering a pineapple for the first time at age 76, stroking it, whispering "who the fresh hell do you think you are"
Excuse me, I have to go powder my nose in the shitter.
It's a poor craftsman who blames the Jews.
you break all my thing you KILL my family, you knoeckd over my scanner
what do you call santa's helpers? ... subordinate clauses.
*staring at a hot dude's bod* Nice abs, queer. You got a cool big ass, u fuckin fag. Fuckin homo, with your strong, gay muscles.
Please Eat Your Personal Apples, Wikipedia Founder Jimmy Wales. These Are Mine.
Imagine if literally everybody was kung fu fighting. Society would collapse. Dogs would get very agitated. Not a good idea, in my opinion.
Special Buy Nothing Day Sale!! Great Deals On: [ HOLES | VOIDS | SILENCE | NUMBNESS ] whisper coupon code "hello?" into a disconnected phone
bury me with my balls
@XboxSupport i accidtnly shot a man in GTA are you able to see if he is ok? he was wearing a red shirt and i shot him with a rocket launcher
A planet of genderless aliens invent sexuality in honor of Riker. Worf sits on Geordi's visor in sick bay, begrudgingly gets him a new one.
I hate when boys can't see me as anything but two big vaginas
halloween is the only day when it's socially acceptable for a girl to dress like a PIT FULL OF SPIDERS. DUDE TRUST ME IT'S A GIRL. GET IN IT
Wes rebuilds the Genesis Device for fun, with dire consequences. Riker sees a spider in his shower, immediately detaches the saucer section.
If a guy says he fantasizes about threesomes, why not surprise him on his birthday, by crawling into bed dressed up like one of the BeeGees?
a steak pun is a rare medium well done
Weird that inside each of us is a skeleton that will one day wander the earth carrying a rusty sword.
"Is Wario A Libertarian" - the greatest thread in the history of forums, locked by a moderator after 12,239 pages of heated debate,
Know what people used to do in the old days before twitter when they thought up a funny joke? Die at 26 of Spanish Influenza.
148 friends just liked every one of your facebook photos where you can see into your ear. their profile pictures are all earwigs.
PARTY TIP: Imagine a snake eating a banana and you'll have a sense of what it's like inside a baby's brain.
Wouldn't it be great if when the protesters showed up at the NYC courthouses, the judges there just started marrying them?
how many calories are there in a knife
MISSING: SUPER ADORABLE PUPPY. WILL COME IF YOU PLAY WU-TANG HELLA LOUD. THIS IS NOT A PLOY TO GET THE NEIGHBORHOOD BUMPIN', THE DOG IS REAL
All I have is a hammer, but it turns out hammers can make holes in houses. so soon I'll have lots of other stuff, too.
Dear recipes: quit telling me to add things "to taste". If I knew how much tasted good, I wouldn't need you.
The rapture starts based on local time? So Jesus's return is controlled by 1995 Kiribati legislation moving the date line?
Brutalism Is My Favorite Architectural Style And Also Dog Petting Technique
disparity between "net weight" and "gross weight" observed during first encounter with girl from net
for 3 years now everyone's old friendster pages have been posting in languages no one speaks on pictures of us in places we've never been
.@tacobell lost for 6 days now in floors 70-80 of Taco Tower Value Meal. not even any food in here. just traps. why do you sell this
COOL FOOL PRANK: label 3 pigs '1' '2' and '4' and be so physically repulsive even your family & peers just assume you're '3'
Your Grammar Camps I can get behind, but your Grammar Final Solution is going too far.
*lays $8 of quarters on the bar* Whats the plural of High Life
PARTY GAME: Stand face to face with a friend and take turns saying the word "party" back and forth, as fast as you can.
A remote sub made the Gulf leak worse. Stories appear about Al Gore's sex life. All in all, a pretty bad week for robots.
shivering
