This is a page of the utter nonsense my brain has at one point articulated to me and thankfully only me. Well, not anymore.
magic is not a leaf blower
sometimes I wish I was fat so people would stop looking at me funny when I use the elevator to go up one floor
I sit in the dark, the clap of the bass thumping in my ear. I dream, half-asleep, of violent images mixing with the mundane. An anarchist paperclip cell starts a revolution against the totalitarian stapler overlords. As the clash begins, sparks fly. Mangled paper clips and broken staples litter the battlefield carpet, an alluminum sunday. The paperclips do not stop in their war. No, they purge the lowgrounds, a decidedly wilder environment. Little do they know that Mr. Kooblesworth lies in wait. It stalks its prey mercilessly, leaving dust bunny ghosts in its wake. It rears back and pounces as the track changes. I wake up, stapler in hand, cat in lap, ready to defend myself. My actions startle Mr. Kooblesworth and I watch him scamper away, carrying a paper clip in his mouth. And I listen to the clap of the bass. (Note: this is why I don't write fiction.)
[Picture of a scuba diver]. "Help, I'm being eaten by an astronaut!"
Love is like track practice: you vomit in the bushes.
What you scraped off your shoe and put on display in your living room
fortunate vaccum salesman
torpid flood surveys
forgotten art museums
intrepid tube socks
engineering-based focal tangent
Tomorrow's forecast is rain with a slight chance of lesbianism!
When the sun explodes == the great ass-fuck
Dear autobiography, I think I forgot how to blog! Please help!
[picture of a helicopter] it's snacktime!
Farts...I Lost a Bet(tm)
Pirates and Ninjas agree: being cool is awesome
sometimes when I'm about to shut off my computer I hear the intense screams of a million bloggers cyring out at once...then: silence.
The full embodiment of the cruelty and uncaring nature of the universe is contained in the fact that I never got to befriend a brontosaurus.
Dressed to repress!
no more prissin' it's time for kissin'!
I'm jonesin' for some bonesin'
I've got a hankerin' for some spankerin'
How To Become More Ballastic by Glen
love not tomorrow for today we have laser pointers
By the power of Grey Skull I now pronounce you man and wife
Get the Flonaise and the Cinderella bags!
next stop bungalo!
entropy, you've got some splainin' to do
I am a bomb made of fists! kaboom pow!
looking for love in taco bell
Babies first words: "hello world"
it's a beautiful day for a nightrider
sticker idea: "now stuffed with more meat!"
Nebraska: the bible bra
text adventure psychiatrist
cat on a keyboard in space + dschinghis khan = the most amazing piece of multimedia ever created
sometimes when I brush my teeth I pretend it's techno music and dance
You know what they say, "'Early to bed, early to rise' is a stupid saying."
The needs of bloggers need not trouble you as you crowdsource atop them.
My main export is sunshine and my main import is happiness...it's steakonomics!
Spicy dick captain!
What did the organic chemist have for lunch? NOCHOS
as gay as a: lampost, pioneer, trash can, hovercraft
professional mathematician = numberjack (like lumberjack)
"I'm getting some woodrow wilson right now, if you know what I mean." "Ah, building a league of masturnations, huh?"
As he unholstered the bandsaw, she thought, this isn't the pregnancy I bargained for.
When you have a hammer everything looks like a nail. When you have a laser pointer, everything looks like a cat.
The harbinger of rotisserie stole my melon wafers :(
John... the lovable trampmobile
I am on the cutting edge of emo culture
"Mark Hamill," said Mark Hamill.
Get your mind out of the gutter and into my car
Chalkboard? I 'ardly know 'er!
like a scabies avalanche
my macaroni has been compromised.
"Please, take a bow, but not my bow! I need that for my shi--"
"I hate bibliographies. This is going to get bibliographic."
Like nailing a Furby to the wall...satisfying.
"I see," said the blind man, as he buttered his cat wistfully.
Units: batmans/min, hamburger-hours, gallons (rate)
"you mean it wouldn't be adorable if there was a robot version of me made out of chainsaws?"
shrews meet at home
shameful magnum opus
former champion of disease
I was voted most "likely to be a nubile teen when he grows up" in high school.
I am so sorry if you've made it this far.